Issues Facing Black Boys

[Kim Crouch]

What do you think as a mother will be the single biggest issue you will face raising a black boy?

[Kim Crouch]

Georgetta, wow this is a hard one on so many fronts and I appreciate your candor because let's be honest it's hard for parent to admit certain things about their children. Here is my thoughts and i hope others read your post because it definitely deserves some thought.

As an initial matter, never give up on your children. They are your children and they deserve and need your support no matter where they are in their life. With that said, that doesn't mean you have to accept the things they are doing. The key thing to me here is your son is 18. Consider setting a time line for him to either go back to school or get a job in order to stay in your house, but make it a realistic time line. But whatever timeline you set you need to stick by it. you know what you can deal with because the bottom line is you have 2 other impressionable kids. Also I don't know the circumstances as to why he came to live with you but if there are other underlying issues that may prevent his progress (i.e., I'm confused why an 18 year old only has an 8th grade education. Did he drop out in the 8th grade or did he graduate but this is where his skill set is at) or may be the cause of his low self esteem then you also need to address that.

No one ever said having children was easy and Lord knows they don't always turn out how we want them to or do the things we need them to but he is 18 and i think you have a lot of competing interests to balance so just do your best. Try to help him without enabling him and that requires timelines and pushing.

[Nicholle]

Hi Georgetta,

This situation sounds very challenging. I would suggest the first thing you need to do, is to speak with his father, and find out what happened in the last 16 years. What kind of standards, guidelines and expectations did he have for you son. You need to find out how your son got to be at this point- no drive, no ambition, and some serious identity issues.

Second, I suggest talking to your son. Find out why he is choosing to present himself as a girl, ask if he is gay, but remember, the two are not mutually exclusive. It is very possible that he has some identity issues (google Gender Identity Disorder) and until he is comfortable and clear on WHO he is, he cant go out into the world and BE who he is. (hence not going to school/work etc) If you have health insurance, or if your states childrens health care insurance covers kids until they are 21, get him in to counseling. If not, check with a local university clinic or public clinic for counseling so he can deal with his sexuality/gender issues.

Third, talk to him about what he wants to do with himself. Like Kim said, work on a time line. Find out what HE sees his needs as (we already know he needs an education, a skill or trade, food, clothing and shelter) but does he realize he will soon be responsible for providing these things? Ask him what his plans are for his life, find out what his interests are, what his skills and talents are, and help him with suggestions that will allow him to use his skills and talents/ additional training to support himself. Work with him on a plan for aquiring his education, a skill or trade, and the other things one needs to be a functioning adult.

Fourth, if he is clueless, there are some programs to help him get his education, acquire a skill and become self sufficient, such as Job Corps, CityYear, and more new ones that were funded through Obama's stimulus plan to provide wider access to education/jobs for workers.

Finally, (and perhaps this should be first) let him know you are on his side, and you want the best for him. Let him know you want to partner with him to accomplish his goals and to become a self sufficient human being. Explain to him that you as a parent have loyalties to your other children, and one of them is providing a safe environment, which you can not do, if you are not certain of where he is mentally and how he plans to fit into the family. Ask him what he sees his role is in the family and how he plans to fulfill it.

Get your community/extended family involved in supportive roles as well. Have an uncle thats a carpenter? ask him to spend some time with the 18 year old to just mentor him on self sufficiency and to model what it is like to have a job. Have other relatives let him know that they are resources for him - not to give him money or a job- but to serve as examples, and sources of information/knowledge, and emotional support.

I saw this because his "role models" right now are his friends, and we see how thats working out. He needs to know that there is a future, and its coming whether he is ready or not. He needs to SEE what it means to be a grown up adult from a male perspective.

Work with your network and family for the support you need in getting him on the right track. Dont exhaust yourself, or beat yourself up for his situation. He has choices to make, and once you have given him the information and support he needs, it is up to him to decide to do better or suffer the consequences.

Hope this helps
Nicholle

[Georgetta Rena Scott]

The Following thing you have recommended I have tried and when I am unable to talk to his father but I know what kind of person he is from the few conversations we have had right now I have him enrolling in Job Corps to experience aside of life where people are doing something constructive and maybe that may help because I see In my child's eyes every day how lost he is but I will try those suggestion again

[Kim Crouch]

Georgetta glad to hear you will keep trying. Honestly, sometimes it takes a few times for our kids to get something and a few additional life lessons. We just hope they get it before it's too late. I suspect there are a lot of things that have happened over the last several years with him so it is going to take time.

[bygINCpesents]

I haven't been on this site for a while and missed a comment you left about talking to black boys about my life lessons. I've recently published my book, 17 to Life: A Black Boy Memoir ( On Becoming a Human... Being in Am.... The book addresses what it was like to go from black boy to black man in this country. I would love to get feedback from you, your sons and other mothers about the content. You may also click my Youtube page to hear me reading from the first few chapters... Look forward to hearing from you and your sons.

[Tyra B.]

Making sure my husband and I are providing my little guy the confidence and opportunity (via schooling, christianity, extracurricular activity, travel) to grow into a successful Black Man.