MOMMY WARS--IS THIS A FIGHT FOR WOMEN OF COLOR TOO?

[Lovebabz]

I have been reading a great deal about this so-called Mommy War--Women who stay at home versus Women who work outside the home. A couple days ago the New York Times ran an article about Elizabeth Edwards and her decision to continue campaigning with her husband John Edwards in the midst of battling cancer. A few women (white)-owned blogs have taken her to task for her decision to continue campaigning while she is fighting a terminal illness. The tone of some of the comments were so 13th century that I was really surprised. So here I am wondering if Sisters feel this same sort of duality about staying home with children or going to work? I know, our history has pretty much settled this with the era of slavery--we have always worked no matter what. But here we are a couple hundred years post reconstruction--with some measure of success and some of us on par with our white counterparts in terms of economic security and achievements. I am wondering is this our fight now too? Let me know what you think--and brothers feel free to weigh in.

[Quiana]

It’s really a sad case that as Moms we continue to find ways to separate ourselves. As if being a Mom is not already hard enough. The fact of the matter is there is no one better way. I am happy for my friends who can afford to stay home or have the opportunity to work from home. It is not an easy thing.

However I am a working Mom (outside of the home) and entrepreneur so even with my own biz, I am still out of the home much of my boys’ daytime hours. This too is not an easy thing. Sure I miss my boys terribly during the day but then again I miss them when I have to run to the store to buy groceries.

I have never had any of my black friends say anything negative about working Moms. Probably because they know historically it’s what we did. Period. But I have heard some of my friends of other races say the moment they conceive they are making their exit plan. They believe Moms should not work unless they have to (widowed, husband hurt, etc.).

I generally don’t listen to what any other mom says about my parenting. I feel like she has her way and I have mine. It is not necessary for me to brow beat her into taking my side and vice versa. When I have food in our pantry, clothes on my boys back, heat and electricity I know I am doing a good thing providing for my children and no one can tell me otherwise.

[Lovebabz]

I think you are right. My White women friends seem to ascend to have a different take on staying at home--even if it poses a bit of a hardship for their family. On the other hand my Sister Friends don't see it that way. Soem would stay home if there was more than enpugh income coming in, but for the most part they are rooted to their careers and do not want to lose ground professionally. I do think this is a race and class issue. I have well-to-do Sister Friends who can afford an au pair etc and they are not totally comfortable staying home. We haven't had the drama white women deal each other over this go to work vs staying home. I believe history lets us off the hook. Even if Sisters can afford to stay home, you don't get the badmouthing from them about it's better to stay home. So I am thinking this isn't our fight.

[Mahogany Momma]

When I got pregnant, the first thing I did was quit my job. I'm not where I want to be financially, but I am where I want to be physically - at home with my son. As much as we love to be independent and career orientated, I have heard so many sisters struggle with working and longing to me a stay at home mom. I am not very clear on what these MOMMY WARS are all about, but I can say that for many of us, there is an internal war - wanting to spend more time with our kids and still be able to survive financially.

-lh.

[Yvonneb]

Well, I applaud John Edwards wife for continuing to campaign and travel with her husband. I can't imagine what I'd feel like if I were in her position. In my opinion, if she can muster up enough strength to be with him then she should go there. What do people expect her to do, curl up and die? Second, there is a big jump between a woman with cancer continuing with her life and a new mommie who has another life to care for. Personally speaking, it was a difficult (however, not a CRIPPLING one) decision to come home to raise my children. Considering that I had two babies "back to back", and was breastfeeding them, it was the best decision that could be made. Who better to leave an imprint on their lives at least for the first three years, besides me? Now, my daughter is at the head of her kindergarten class and my son is also the exception in his. They attend private school, so it's not like they got an easy shake either. They are so loving, so articulate, so mannerable. They have their mommy and daddy to thank for this, not some day care worker or neighbor. One more thing, we were struggling financially more often than not. So, our decision was based on what we believed was best for the kids and myself over if we would be able to travel all the time or eat at red lobster.

[Aiesha Turman]

I have experienced both sides of tis. I was at home with my baby until she was 15 months. We had a wonderful time and really bonded with one another. Then, it was just time for her to be around some kids on a regular basis and for me to get back to being around adults (and getting aid for it.) So, I went to work P/T and went to grad school. She went to daycare and loved it!

It was my goal to allign and balance my goals (work experience and higher education) with her getting what she needed. We have both grown because of it. I was lucky enough to find an amazing childcare provider just three blocks from my home and a wonderful job just six blocks in the other direction.

We all have to make the best choices for ourselves and for our families. I knew that I had goals that I wanted to attain outside of the home and that it was in my best interest to do so. Also, what better way to be a role model for my little girl than to see her mommy setting and realizing goals! No, everything is not perfect, but we do the best we can and are enjoying the ride.

[Zakiya Hashim]

Hey ladies my name is Zakiya. I thought I'd introduce myself before dorpping my thoughts down. I have experienced both being a working single mother to being a married stay at home mom that works at home also. I know first hand from other forums that white women think, act and live opposite of us. This is not the only topic we can us to show the differences between the 2 races. I have been at home for the last 8 years and have changed my mind on careers hundreds of times . In between the 8 years I went to school became a cosmetoligist and decided not to take up that career. I then started selling shoes on ebay and that took up most of my time for a good 3 years. Though my passion is singing I am runnng my online store at home. The econmy won't allow most of us to sit home with our children without getting some type of assistance be it WIC , welfare, foodstamps so I think both parents have to work. I would not give up being home with my children for the world. Sometimes I dont know how we did it but we did. My children are breastfed and nurtured by me their own mother. It wasn't easy but it's getting done. As far as viewning the need to stay at home as if we were in the 50's I don't have the same views becasue if need be I will get out and get a job if my family needs the extra support.

[Quiana]

I think it is great that more women of color are able to stay home. Not too long ago it was almost impossible for our women to do this. One thing I think it is important to mention is that just because a mom works does not mean she is unable to breastfeed. I breastfed my twins (drinking 6-8 oz. every other hour since they were 2 weeks old) for a year. Actually a bit longer because they got sick around their first birthday so I pushed forward. That was my goal before I decided to go back to work and so I kept it once I did go back.

I was a pumping machine (when I was at work) every other hour for a half hour to 45 min. It was an agreement I made with my employer before I stepped foot back in the office. I was given access to an office with comfortable seating, adequate lighting, and even magazines older moms brought in that I might like. I pumped in the car and everywhere I could find a clean comfy spot. That was a dedication I made to my children, husband, and myself. It was not easy but it was excellent for all of us.

Also another thing I think needs addressing is that all children who's moms work are not in daycare. My husband and mother in law split child care duties when I was at work. Hubby works from home. On the flip side, because my schedule was flexible I was able to be home more often than a lot of my other working Mom friends. I think what we as Moms need to do is stop comparing ourselves to each other. I know we all do what we feel is best for our families and that should be it. So long as our children are safe, healthy, and happy who cares what another Mom chooses to do?

[Aiesha Turman]

A co-worker (and good friend) of mine is experienceing something similar. She pumps at work and she has family that takes care of her son on a rotating basis.

I don't have family, other than my husband and child, within a 300 mile radius. That also played a role in our decision for me to stay home with her for so long. It was the first time that I did not work outside the home or wasn't in school or some combination of the two.

When she went to daycare, she went P/T because I worked P/T and we still spent time together in the mornings. I breastfed to about 13 months and am glad that I I was able to do so.

I agree, we really do need to stop comparing because all of our situations are different. What is best for me is not best for you and vice versa. What's important is that we raise healthy and happy children.

[Kisha]

I have been on both sides. I worked for about 6 months at night in the next town over which is a 40 minute drive for me. It wasn't worth it for us for me to work and now that I am back to being a SAHM I know it was for the best. My daughter missed out on things and I was not happy. It's a personal choice for every mother to work, work from home, sahm, whichever. We all need to do what is right for us.

[Chandra]

In 2006 I resigned from teaching in the middle of the school year after 9 years. I had a baby in June that was born 10 weeks early and didnt get out of the hospital until 3 weeks before school started. The 2nd week of school she was back in the hospital with croup and developing RSV. All this while I had a 17 month old at home with her own health issues. Guess who my mommy war was with? My father and my in-laws. My friends, co-workers, and especially my principal encouraged me to go home and take care of my children. My former principal is African American and stayed home 13 years to be with her children (of which 2 are now doctors!) But my father complained, "I didn't send you to college to stay home. Everyone else works you can too. My baby had surgery the following Monday after I quit, and had I not quit we would have had problems. I was out of sick days! My in-laws were the biggest trip!

My MIL was upset because the financial burden was on my husband. Unfortunately it had to be. My SIL wouldn't speak to me and everyone in his family kept asking when are you going to go back to work. Nevermind the fact that I had to take someone to a doctor's appt at least twice a week.

I joined a local chapter of Mocha Moms, Inc. and pleasantly surprised to learn that there were so many moms who were experiencing the same issues. I am back to work now. My daughters are 2 and 3 and their health continues to be a struggle. Same issues as in the beginning. Baby has croup and an ear infection right now. But we're dealing with it. Hopefully I can hang on 10 more years, and retire. I want to be an at home mommy again and they will be teenagers, I couldn't think of a more important time to be home.

[isis moma]

hi sis
i stay at home and work from home.....people mainly hae a problem with it cause they resent your situation and we are becoming a culture more concerned with material growth than mental growth. you can have a house...and never really around to enjoy it? enjoy yur girls they REALLY need YOU...not the bit left when you'e come from working, grocery, laundry cookn, shopping! .....
take care enjoy the heck outa work while you still there. p.s men whose wives stay home usually become more successful that 2 parents working.

[Chandra]

Thanks, I needed to hear that. It really drives me crazy that when I pick the girls up from school, we are rushing to get home, eat, take a bath, play, read a story, and go to bed in a span of 3 hours instead of in a normal sense! I've been at home studying for a test since yesterday and IT'S BEEN GREAT! I cleaned up and really cooked for everyone. I picked the girls up from school, they ate and we went to a t-ball game and the girls got to play outside. I can't wait to be able to be a SAHM again but medical expenses, food, and GAS are making that a long term goal.