Are You Still In the Game? Single Black Moms Are You A Liability Or Asset?

[kim]

Recently my girlfriends and I were discussing getting back into the game.What game am I talking about...the dating game. After going through a seven year relationship and three kids later, my perspective on men and myself has definitely changed in a lot of ways.

First can we talk? What in the hell is going on with these men out there. Some men seem to think that because you have kids and no man that you are an easy target for them to take advantage, just so you can have a man. Unfortunately for some women with low self-esteem that may be the case. But for me You MUST BE CRAZY.

First of all I have something that women should have and if you don't have it you better get it. It's called STANDARDS. Now to be honest after being in a marriage, or committed relationship for years with that one person, breaking up and having kids is a huge change. Now that I am a little older with children my outlook is a little different. But I am still me. I know that I am confident in myself but is there shelf space for the single mom who's real, who has experienced life and wants a quality relationship with a man who can add to her life. I have to tell you for me dating with kids can definitely be an ASSET. But can these men handle it. What do you think. Real talk...Kim

[Look For Me!]

I WAS JUST GETTING BACK "IN THE GAME" BUT REALIZED I WASN;T READY. SO I'M TAKING A PAUSE TO EVALUATE MY GAME RULES- MY STANDARDS. I DEFINETELY KNOW WHAT I DON'T WANT. BUT I NEED TO REDEFINE WHAT I WANT BEFORE I GET BACK IN THE GAME.
TO ANSWER THE QUESTION: MY PRINCE AND ARE AN ASSET TO A REAL MAN. A MAN WITH POOR CHARACTER WILL SEE US AS A LIABILITY AND WE DON'T WANT HIM ANYWAY..OKAY! BUT PART OF STANDARDS HAVE TO DO WITH NOT EXPOSING MY CHILD WHEN I AM DATING. THERE WILL HAVE TO BE SOME SERIOUS SCREENING BEFORE HE GETS TO MEET MY YOUNG PRINCE. PATIENCE IS DEFINATELY A VIRTUE.

[kim]

Hi Ebony,

Currently I haven't had the time or energy to be in the game, with everything that is going on in my life.
But....if an opportunity should present itself like, a Denzel, or Tyrese, Blair Underwood, Morris Chestnut...You see where I am going right?! Then everything changes. But seriously, if more women would raise the bar and stop settling than men would have no choice but to step it up. I'm with you my sistah!

[Lovenia]

I just became single and the fact of that scared me not to mention the fear of not having his dad around and the thought of doing it alone. I don't know what to expect, I dont really know how to handle conversations with him now, and I cosigned on a car for him last week and am not sure how to deal with that issue. Dating for me is not an issue at all until I get my self straighted out and become stronger, but if anyone could give some advice to me please feel free my ears are wide open and my mouth is wide shut at this point. -Lovenia

[kim]

Hey girl,

Been there done that! and you will too.

Don't worry it is hard at this time and you are raw. Take time for you to review and process your relationship with him and this new situation. You may just be going through something temporary or maybe not. Only you know for sure. But I encourage you to be strong. Be calm. and really think about what is good for you and your beautiful son. If your personal relationship cannot be saved then try and really focus on strengthening the relationship you have with him as a dad to your son. Definitely get some ME TIME to renew yourself, and remember who Lovenia is.

[Crystal]

Why did you and the father break up? Also I commend you for not jumping into a relationship until you have gotten yourself together!!! Have you ever read the book by TD Jakes The Lady, her Lover, and her Lord? It has wonderful advice for women single or married. It teaches you how to love yourself and how to be comfortable being by yourself before you can ever truly be in a successful relationship or marriage. I'm trying to learn that myself. I have 3 kids and they all have different dads and in each situation I lowered my standards and accepted abuse and mistreatment that I didn't deserve. As for co-signing for his car.....think about this and answer these questions for yourself and you should realize what you need to do...for instance why did he need you to cosign for him? does he have bad credit or no credit at all? does he have a stable and good paying job? Has he been paying on time? this is definately a serious situation b/c if he doesn't pay like he should you will have problems in the future. I'm not sure, but I think that you may be able to talk to the finance co about coming off of the loan, I know in certain instances if you pay well and on time for 6 months to a year then the finance co may consider taking the co-signer off if the person can show that they can pay on time. I hope this helps....I'm new here so come and visit my page sometime! I'm in the process of trying to upload pic's, but I'm having problems i see that you have a pic so I may need some help this weekend getting them on there. Be Blessed,
Crystal

[Keish]

Hi Lovenia,

Not sure how to say this...but being a single mom is scary yet at the sametime you forget your fears b/c ur child needs you. I have been doing it for 7 yrs now....and yes at times I still cry b/c it can get so hard. I would not change my situation at all b/c it has made me into the woman that I am. A lot of my girlfriends ask me if I will get married or have more kids..honestly I don't know. I do know that b/c of what I have endured as being a single mom I will not accept just any ole man. I know what type of man that I want and in due time he will be here. While I am enjoying my life and my child I enjoy dating and having friends. I don't look at each man as a possible mate b/c then I am setting an expectation. What I do expect from any man is that he respects me and the fact that I do have a child. My wants and needs come after my child. Do I get lonely? yes. Do I sometimes wish I had someone to hold me at night? Of course lol!! After awhile those feelings go away. I have to be stronger than want my flesh and heart my desire. At this time in my life I have to think logically about what it is that Keish wants and needs. What I want is to continue to raise my daughter into a wonderful young lady who will one day b/c a wonderful woman that respects herself and has standards. My best advice to you is to put your emotions to the side. The only thing different with your relationship is that you are no longer a couple. Take this time to just be friends and try not to get upset or let him see you cry and hurt. Let him do him and you do you and who knows?? Do not co-sign ever again for anyone. If you are good enough to co-sign for him then why can't he work out the issues within the relationship?? With the whole car thing. See what you can do to get yourself off the loan and also if you have not done it you need to do it now...advise him of what will happen if he defaults on the loan. Whatever you 2 agree upon get it notarized and give him a copy and make a few extra copies for yourself. I know that your credit it important to you so I would include a clause that if he fails to make a payment and you end up making the payment he has a certain amount of time to get that money back to you and make sure you have a key. It's not being unfair or being childish..its protecting your credit b/c that is with you even if the relationship never works out. I hope that I have been helpful to you.

keish

[Keish]

Since I have been a single Mom since my child was 6 weeks old...not b/c her father was a dead just made a dumb dumb choice. I just recently ended a almost 4 yr relationship with the only other man that my child has met besides her father. With that situation my daughter knew that he was not her father, yet she did call him "my other daddy". We thought it was cute b/c she thought this up on her own and asked us if she could call him this...now mind you she was 4 and a half at this time. We dated for about a year before I actually let him meet my daughter. That was a challenge within itself. I had to see if he could understand that this child comes before all and if I don't have a sitter there is no coming to see me when she is sleep nor was there any "come hang out" with me and child. With all of that said lol, seeing how this relationship broke my daughters heart b/c she loved this man just as much as I did. I made the choice to date yet not to allow another man into my childs life. I was there to wipe away her tears when he left. I still allow him to call and email me b/c he wants to know how we are doing, yet I DO NOT allow him to talk to my daughter. He was unsure if the life he had with me and our kids(he has a son also)is what he really wanted. I can handle the heart break and still be his friend after the fact. I can not allow him to stay apart of my daughters life unless he can fully commit to be apart of her life even if we are not together. It is so much more complicated than the few lines I have typed. I won't say that he does not love my child yet he walked away from not only my child yet he took his son out a situation that he knew for 3 yrs. Our children are a month apart so his son still talks about me and my daughter. He still asks his father what happened and why can't he see us anymore? I have no problem with seeing the only little man who I will forever love as my own yet his father does not understand how I can handle us not being together. I tried to explain it's not about you or me but about our kids that did not ask for this situation to begin or end.

[MocaMomma]

I totally agree. Just because I am a single mom, does not give you the right to think that I am desperate. I am educated and have a career. Can provide for my son and myself. So pump your breaks on thinking you coming to chill at my house. Pump your breaks on thinking you are going to get a kiss just because you took me out. And actually I weed these types of men out from our first few conversations. If they are like so when you put your son to sleep maybe I can come over. So I say oh ok, well let me put him to sleep and I will call you back. Yeah and I never call back. But on the other hand now a days a lot of guys in my age group 30's have kids from previous relationships also. And I notice the ones who have a good relationship with their kids tend to be mindful and more respectful. But you can always tell those who don't spend time with their own kids who act like jerks.

[kim]

Ladies!!!!!

I knew I was in good company. I am so glad that we all are responding to to this topic and sharing our experiences, advice. Because you already know to be a mother is hard but a single mom has to really weed out these tired brothas' who want to take advantage or are just plain corny.

IS THIS THE Black Woman Motto??? we may not do what we want to do but we always do what we have to do.

Madea's Family Reunion.

kim

[ShiningStar]

Sistah's I agree totally.

I'm so tired of dating it's pathetic. It is totally exhausting and I have gained a ton of weight (about 15 lbs.) from becoming a serial dater. LOL Men think that because I have 4 kids I like to lay up or I have multiple "baby-daddy's". When they see that I don't take their s***, they label me as being a B****, too deep, crazy, spoiled or too high maintenance. I am me. I will not change who I am because what you see is what you get. I purchased a shirt recently that read, "I Will Not Lower My Standards to Raise Yours".


Lovenia, I feel your pain. We have all been in situations like yours. You WILL get stronger. I was in a situation like that a few months ago where this guy I dated always asked me to help him out. I'm thinking that he really thought I was a silly female because my response was always NO or I'LL SEE (which also mean hell no). When fellas come off like that we have to ask ourselves what type of REAL man would want to take from a woman with mouths to feed? A real man would try to add to instead of take from the pot. The same way guys say they need a woman that brings something to the table we need the same. Will he be an asset or a liability? If he's not an asset he's gone. My aunt told me before I left my hometown, "Baby be careful. Men will want to be with you just because you have those babies. They'll see that you are providing a roof over their head and and clothing them and feeding them so they'll think as long as they're with you they'll get the same". She was so right. There are men that set out to prey on us and our vulnerabilities. I used to talk to my guy friends about some of my issues but not anymore. They see that as a gaping hole to go ahead and attack. Now I just lay back and chill and let them bring it.

[Shanita]

After dealing with a jerk for a year. I raised my standards. I agree all women should have standards, especially single mothers. I know it's been a while since the last post on this discussion, but I feel it is a good one. I waited 2 years after my daughter was born to get in a relationship. (Well that's how it happened cause I was looking.) I had gotten tired of the old rap lines, games dealing with just talking to a guy. But currently I am in a relationship where there is understand and trust. And no games. So I am sure when dating happens, you all will find someone worthy of your standards. Oh and Ms. Shiningstar, sometimes you have to be the B- word just to get your point across.

[kim]

Hi Shanita,

Thanks for your response! and I agree with getting your point across.