Why is it so hard for black women to talk about FATHERS, but so easy to talk about MEN?

[Kiri Love]

A few radical anti-feminist afrocentric black males, have brought to my attention, that raising good boys to be good men, being a good wife, and praising the good respectable black men are not even at the top of black women's priorities. It is not the white man , but the black woman who DOES NOT GIVE PRAISE TO the numbers of GOOD BLACK FATHERS. The minute people see the words, 'black' and 'father' in the same sentence, it's a cattle call for male bashing. Are there more bad stories than good stories? Our bad experiences with black men are part of who we are. But what are we doing to change things for the future generations? Or does it feel safe and comfortable to say, that "you can't change black men, they are the way they are going to be" 600 years after slavery?

[Mahogany Momma]

Glad you brought this topic up KL, and I'd love to put in my 2 cents if I will. I think 9 times out of 10 most Black Women don't talk about Black Fathers because it is a concept that for most does not exist.

- How often do many of us have the pleasure of talking about dear old dad?
- When having a child? What is the first think black women think of with respect to the father? Do we think he will stay or flee? Do we care about what he thinks about abortion or adoption?
- How many of us are married so that father, rather than baby daddy is the term we use.

Slavery, drugs, crack, homosexuality, aids, miseducation, all of these issues have destroyed to relationships between black women and men so badly that the concept of 'Black Fathers' has to be completely re-invented and re-instituted into the Black Family.

I also feel like, on some level the statement misery loves company continues to ring true. Whether some women just enjoy complaining about their men OR simply can not find another way to express the issues they have with the fathers of their children, all the Media or many Black Women ever seem to want to talk about are Sorry Ass Baby Daddies. It's a stereotype, its a reality, its a hot topic of discussion. Like good will and happy thoughts, good black fathers are not what folks want to talk about. Honestly, it saddens me to say that. Do you know that one of my Mahogany Momma eMagz, was focused on Proud Black Fathers and Positive Black Male Figures and TO DATE, that is the only issue that has not sold one issue. No one cares. We complain about the lack there of, but to acknowldge the good ones, we don't do it!! And we should! Part of the reason I wrote that issue, created this site, or any site for that matter is because we DO NOT see enough positive Black Images or people enough in media so we HAVE TO start becoming our own media. If you don't see or hear about good black fathers, how can you talk about them. It's like Black Children aspiring to be Doctors while we sadly joke about how much we loved the Cosby's but an upper middle class Black Family with a Dr. for a dad and lawyer for a mom isn't for us 'realistic'. When in reality for many of us it is.

To be quite honest with you I am both tired of hear And talking about the bad in our culture, if that is all we are going to do. I want to 1) Hear some Good and 2) Start seeing some pratical solutions about how to fix the bad and I firmly believe that highlighting the good can help address the bad. We need to show off our Black Fathers, give our boys some one to look up to, give our girls someone to crush on instead of these fools who sadly don't know better than perpetuating the same damn stereotypes that keep us down as a people.

We as black women, well we need to do a lot of things when it comes to Black Men, specifically the fathers... I got a lot to say on that so you know what I am going to start another post on it... but I'm gonna continue to write comments here... I can't wait to read what others have to say!

[Carmell]

Wowwwwwwww so powerful and so true. I am shocked that noone has purchased this quoting you:

Proud Black Fathers and Positive Black Male Figures and TO DATE, that is the only issue that has not sold one issue.

It saddens me and you are right, something must be done and it starts with having positive roll models as you stated and it has to start within our very own black communities and families. I am proud to say my family has a long history of positive black men!!

[Clifton Thomas]

I agree with you mahogany, and Carmell, today i am a single parent, i am a 57 year old widower who is raising my three daughters, and that is because my wife pass away October 2006, and this is not the first time for me to do this. My 2nd wife died and i had three daughters to raise at that time. My father was at home with me, so i know what it is like to have a father at home, and there was a lot of love in my home, but now i am a lone raising the 3 of them , i thank God every day for my 2 oldest, they are 23, 19 and baby girl is 13. The 2 oldest girls help me with the 13 year old, and all 3 are good girls, we talk all the time and no matter what they ask me i tell them. But it is hard trying to raise the 13 year old with out a mother in the home, but i have to do what i can for them, i always tell them that daddy will go to hell or jail for them. But the problem today is that most of these young men today come from the same problem, where there is no father at home to help them grow into a man and do the right things that a man will do for a family. These young men today need a positive roll model, to show them how to be a father, a husband, and a man, and until the positive black brothers out there step up to the plate and help our young men become a real man, a real father, and a real husband, this problem will always be here. And most of all these young men need to finish high school and go on to college. I had 8 daughters 3 wives, and all my girls went to college, the 2 oldest one at home are it college now and baby girl start high school next year, and she will be going to a new one where she will be in a Jr. College, so when she finish she will have a AA degree as well as having finish high school. But it is up to all of us to help all the black children that we can to mive forward to become men and womaen.

[Mahogany Momma]

I commend you for doing your part in being a loving parent, that what so many children desperately need.

Great fathers are worth cherishing.
-lh

[Clifton Thomas]

Because i had my father at home for my 2 sisters and myself is one reason why i am a good father, plus the Love that was in my home helped a lot as well. I could never think about running out on any of my children, even though most of them are adults now, they have become good mothers and there husbands are great fathers. God has bless me with my 7 daughters and that 4 out of the 7 have finish college, and 2 out of the 3 i have at home are in college, but my baby girl who is 13 is finishing up the 8th grade, and she will be going to college when she finish high school. But it all comes down to Love, showing Love, Talking to them all the time, letting them know that they are safe, and most of all letting them know they can come to me about anything. Now that there mother has gone home to be with the lord, it is very important that i be mother and father to them. I don't look at myself as a great father, because i make mistakes, but when i do i tell them i am sorry and i hope that you will forgive, and we talk it out. But to end this all i can say is to all the good brothers out there, take a young man and teach him what it is to be a good father, if we men do this, there will be more young men taking the roll of father to heart, and doing what is right, and that is taking care of there children. Let us all work on this, it is our job to help them to become a man and a father.

[Mahogany Momma]

That's good, more people need to be able to say that about their families.

[kim]

I have a lot of issues with this statement. For one thing the black women is the black mans' greatest and strongest supporter. Period. The black woman I feel is the one person in this world who truly understands the black mans' experience as a black man.

Now that being said. I personally always praise any man who is a good father black or otherwise. I believe that there are brothers out there that are doing excellent jobs as fathers and husbands and really get a special amount of praise, because let's be honest, in our community there are more men who aren't worth a damn dime.

My question is why do these brothers feel that other people are giving the black brothers a bad image instead of the black man. This is really one area where the white man didn't have to put in any work. Come on now....Brotha's please don't act like you haven't been the author of your own story.

Can we talk about some of your books that are out. DADDY WAS A ROLLING STONE, MY DAD JUST WALKED OUT AND LEFT US, PIMPING AIN'T EASY, AND DRUGS, DEATH AND DRIVE BYE'S are some books currently out to name a few.

Let's not pretend that yes there are really great brotha's in our community that don't get the shine or praise from our community or society in general but to say that it is because of black women would be untrue.

Now please forgive me if I begin to rant, but Let's have brutal honesty about why black women seem to be sour about black men.

Speaking for myself I believe that one reason black women may seem sour is because "she" may not have experienced the man who is a good father. Maybe there was no positive father figure in the household or maybe no father at all. Economics-meaining- the woman with the higher education vs. the blue collar or lower income man. That could equal problems for some women or men. Women just being used by the man. The issues are endless. but you get the picture.

Sidebar: Another problem women not raising their sons to become responsible, happy, loving, men. Lack of attention via male figure or mother due to mom always working. which also leads to drugs, driveby's and death. So black women you are not completely off the hook.

As for me, my experience with my EX- children's father or aka"baby daddy" has really surprised me, but here is another brotha' who is not an example of a good father or man due to all of the issues I just explained. But I am slightly optimistic that I will meet a good man who I will outwardly and openly give his deserved praise to because I know the value of that praise and more importantly that man.

527~) one love
kim

[Jasmine]

Question:
When you're in a relationship what are you most likely to tell your friends? The answer is the negative. I think for the most part you hear women talking about bad fathers because they are venting and talking out of frustration. Good fathers get the praise but please do not forget that they are doing thier job, this isn't volunteer work, this is what they are supposed to be doing. Does society priase black women for being good mothers whether they be single or attached? They don't because the expectation for women is to stick around and raise children and unfortunately for the black community it seems the women are doing this alone or illegitmately. I think it's absurd to praise a man for sticking around and contributing to the rearing of his (key word HIS) child. A Real Man doesn't need outside praise for he knows he is doing what is expected of him and what he feels is his responsibility to himself, to his child and to his community.


It's absolutely ridiculous to state black women do not prioritize raising their sons into good black men. No self respecting mother wants anything less than the best for her child and that includes rasing him to be an upstadning citizen and contributing member of society. Any black woman who has had to raise her child on her own would not want thier son to to repeat the actions of the father. The statement is just simpl;y laced with ignorance and these are the types of sterotypes that we must get away from if we are going to see about change in our community.

[Nappykat]

Why should good black men/fathers/husbands be given praise for what they should be doing in the first place?
Well they ain't gettin none from me.

Then again, I'm not the one with the attitude that there aren't any good black men/father/husbands.

Our experiences reflect our attitudes. If all we have had is bad men, or we haven't had good men - that that will reflect in our negative attitude about men. But our attitude also reflect our experiences. If we say 'ain't no good n*ggas, they are all deadbeats' then even when we do get a 'good' (however you define that) man/husband/father, then we are just waiting for him to mess up so that it reflects our negative attitude about men. Change your attitude, and you just might change your experience.

[Tracy]

Thank you Nappykat, why should we run around praising a "father" no matter what color they are for doing what they "should" be doing as... a father.

People kill me with this one. How many men do you know are having a discussion on how good a woman is with her children. Or how many talk shows or programs do you see giving recognition to GOOD MOTHERS. It's automatically "expected" so it's not a issue.

There are some WONDERFUL fathers out there, and I praise black men in every aspect of their lives. A good black man is just that whether he's a father or not. The fact that he's a good black father is the next best thing to a good old, down home, sweet potato pie. I think sometimes when a "sista" has a bad experience with a "brotha" she replaces that hurt with harm and if she can't do anything else but tongue lash him, then that's what she's going to do. And if all a woman knows is "bad black men/fathers" then that's going to be the basis of her conversations about men/fathers.

[Ashanti Danielle Hasam]

I think that so many woman have had bad experiences that unfortunately it is out of habit a male bashing in the makings whenever black men are called fathers. When I was younger I too was guilty. Once you grow up and actually take the time to acknowledge facts instead of emotion everything can be put in perspective. Most men and women don't acknowledge the terms of their relationship. It always go unspoken and when the child or children come into play the parents are so caught up on the terms of their realtionship that they forgot that no matter what your decisions are no longer for your comforts but for your child or children. Women tend to push more so for the care of their children being emotional but for themselves and when it is not recieved then we tend to put everything into pushing for financial care which is deserved but we tend to do it for selfish reasons instead of what is really neccessary. This causes the extra stereotypes. This is what makes men think that money can purchase the title of father. This is what makes us bitter. We all have to take a step back...All dads are not bad but all are not good that is just human for any color or person period. There are plenty of mama bashing stories. I hate the term baby mama...I almost dislike single mother. It is like an insult because the assumptions of a single mom is that you struggle and cannot be helped, that you are needy and only want a relationship to help with your kids. It is truly a double edged sword to be called anything today. REAL FATHERS and MOTHERS need to be more visible so that it can be known we do exist and that all of us are not bad be it men or women(and this is coming from a lady who has no valid relationship with any man)

[Denise]

interesting