Welcome Black Moms, African American Parents, Mothers of Color, Single Moms,Dads
Learning How to Deal with Black Men Helped me find the right Black Father...
KLoves post 'Why is it so hard for black women to talk about FATHERS, but so eas...' inspired me to expand on the topic and talk about how my experiences with men shaped my view of Black Fathers and ultimately affected my ability to choose a good father for my child.
Forgive me if I write alot. I ALWAYS got alot to say [lol]. Anyway, I'll start by saying that at some point in my life as a wanna-be poet I wrote:
Thinking on Paper I
From the diapers to the diaphragm I just don't understand why my lack of a father affects my need for a man.
I desperately wrote those words. Often reciting them to myself, trying to figure how the connection between losing my father at an early age and my countless failed relationships. Until those very relationships became my answer. I soon realized that all those years of being around my very, strong and independent mother and a long list of very strong, independent, very Single Black Mothers created an illusion in me that it was okay and quite normal to be a single mother. I prided myself on being able to calmly and truthfully tell boyfriends that if I got pregnant, I wouldn't tell them to burden them and if they knew they didn't have to stay because I could do it on my own. I didn't need a man, but it never occurred to me that I was also saying that my potential child didn't need a father.
That was naive of me to think, and so very far from the truth. Children need fathers. Boys need men to discipline them in ways women can not. Girls need to have that man, at least one man who truly loves them unconditionally, without any sexual strings or implications. Both girls and boys need to see that man love and respect their mother, they need to witness how the two interact, and mirror that relationship for themselves. But how could I possibly comprehend that as a teen or even twenty something, single black women who's father died too soon, who's older brother died too tragically, who only new that inspite of struggling, sista have managed to do it all bay their damn self and 'in the guise of attitude or fearless determination' make it look all too easy to young girls like myself.
But behind closed doors, my mother, those mothers, and soon myself - we all shed that tough exterior in private rooms to either ourselves or to that one black man who seemed to understand. We acknowledge that economically speaking, a two parent household thrives far better than a home with only one hand and many mouths to feed. We curled up to pillows and realized, as strong as we are, who do we turn to when our children need to be protected or when we need to be loved. Being a single parent might seem normal, but in the black community it is actually just a normal disfunction, that has insufficiently raised too many children.
It was only when I met - now this is going to sound cliche - a real man, that I realized how wrong I was and how much I needed to alter my thoughts as a Black Woman. Having spent so much time with friends contemplating and debating about how hard it was dealing with immature dudes, users, players, cheaters, dead beats, etc. I had know clue that there was a whole other layer of complexities and self revelations that went along with being in a real relationship.
I quickly learned that a couple who seems perfect and flawless to others is so far from that. When you are really committed to each other, and equally opinionated, you have to batter it out and meet each other at the finish line. I learned that as a black woman:
I am so used to getting that last word I often demand it, expect it even. But compromise must be made. Respect must be given. A man must be allowed to be a man. When dealing with boyish men you constantly have to train them, encourage them to be ambitious and responsible. You have to push them, call them out when the act wrong, suga them up when they do right. But real men, when there right you got to swallow that pride and not try and retain your independence. You got to - as my man puts it - remove that penis and remember than woman inside of you.
You have to respect that man when he says he will be a good father and expect him to be one. You have to LISTEN when any man tells you he does not want to be a father, when he shows you by not being the man he wants to be, when he flees hold him accountable to his children.
You have to resist the temptation to fix a man. Now though I had to work on my man, I got him pretty much in tact. Working with a man to actualize his ambitions and mature is one thing, trying to completely over haul 80% of his traits is another. If he broke don't try to fix him, because you will turn into mommy and let me tell you every bird at some point will fly from the nest. When I stopped focusing on just physical attraction, and stopped disregarding clear signs of 'Girl Leave that One Alone', I really was blessed to find a strong man. And that again, challenged me to redefine what it meant for me to be strong:
Though some of us don't want to admit it. As a strong black woman, single mother, or whateva, we like to be in control for the power, the praise, and to be in charge. Sometimes I found myself wanting to dictate the situation, expecting him to only input, but not really and that is not how relationships work. I've learned to relinquish some of that power. Because if I wanted to be with a good man, if you want to be with a good man, we can't always be in control. And we can't always do everything alone.
Good relationships are hard to find and even harder to maintain. I honestly find them harder than bad relationships because inspite of all that negative energy, it is easy to yell, to vent to friends, to focus on his issues rather than my own insecurities. Oh what you go the real thing, when he puts in just as much as you, when he know what is means to be a parent, that's when we step back and go hold up - Mama didn't prepare me for this. We don't know much about this. Cause even though we want it, let's be real, many of us don't know what it is to have it or how to keep it when we got it.
There are so many things you learn about yourself, when you are in a relationship that allows you to grow as a couple. And I've learned that I've got so much to learn about being a woman, tapping into my softer side, not trying to fix everything for everyone, asking someone else for help, not always having to be right.... This list grows every day, but that's good. It's the type of growth that has helped me acknowledge my own faults, really understand how important it is for my son to be around his father, and it is the type of growth that helps me better understand the importance of marriage, family, and redefining these concepts for ourselves so that I can perfect them for our children.
Forgive me if I write alot. I ALWAYS got alot to say [lol]. Anyway, I'll start by saying that at some point in my life as a wanna-be poet I wrote:
Thinking on Paper I
From the diapers to the diaphragm I just don't understand why my lack of a father affects my need for a man.
I desperately wrote those words. Often reciting them to myself, trying to figure how the connection between losing my father at an early age and my countless failed relationships. Until those very relationships became my answer. I soon realized that all those years of being around my very, strong and independent mother and a long list of very strong, independent, very Single Black Mothers created an illusion in me that it was okay and quite normal to be a single mother. I prided myself on being able to calmly and truthfully tell boyfriends that if I got pregnant, I wouldn't tell them to burden them and if they knew they didn't have to stay because I could do it on my own. I didn't need a man, but it never occurred to me that I was also saying that my potential child didn't need a father.
That was naive of me to think, and so very far from the truth. Children need fathers. Boys need men to discipline them in ways women can not. Girls need to have that man, at least one man who truly loves them unconditionally, without any sexual strings or implications. Both girls and boys need to see that man love and respect their mother, they need to witness how the two interact, and mirror that relationship for themselves. But how could I possibly comprehend that as a teen or even twenty something, single black women who's father died too soon, who's older brother died too tragically, who only new that inspite of struggling, sista have managed to do it all bay their damn self and 'in the guise of attitude or fearless determination' make it look all too easy to young girls like myself.
But behind closed doors, my mother, those mothers, and soon myself - we all shed that tough exterior in private rooms to either ourselves or to that one black man who seemed to understand. We acknowledge that economically speaking, a two parent household thrives far better than a home with only one hand and many mouths to feed. We curled up to pillows and realized, as strong as we are, who do we turn to when our children need to be protected or when we need to be loved. Being a single parent might seem normal, but in the black community it is actually just a normal disfunction, that has insufficiently raised too many children.
It was only when I met - now this is going to sound cliche - a real man, that I realized how wrong I was and how much I needed to alter my thoughts as a Black Woman. Having spent so much time with friends contemplating and debating about how hard it was dealing with immature dudes, users, players, cheaters, dead beats, etc. I had know clue that there was a whole other layer of complexities and self revelations that went along with being in a real relationship.
I quickly learned that a couple who seems perfect and flawless to others is so far from that. When you are really committed to each other, and equally opinionated, you have to batter it out and meet each other at the finish line. I learned that as a black woman:
I am so used to getting that last word I often demand it, expect it even. But compromise must be made. Respect must be given. A man must be allowed to be a man. When dealing with boyish men you constantly have to train them, encourage them to be ambitious and responsible. You have to push them, call them out when the act wrong, suga them up when they do right. But real men, when there right you got to swallow that pride and not try and retain your independence. You got to - as my man puts it - remove that penis and remember than woman inside of you.
You have to respect that man when he says he will be a good father and expect him to be one. You have to LISTEN when any man tells you he does not want to be a father, when he shows you by not being the man he wants to be, when he flees hold him accountable to his children.
You have to resist the temptation to fix a man. Now though I had to work on my man, I got him pretty much in tact. Working with a man to actualize his ambitions and mature is one thing, trying to completely over haul 80% of his traits is another. If he broke don't try to fix him, because you will turn into mommy and let me tell you every bird at some point will fly from the nest. When I stopped focusing on just physical attraction, and stopped disregarding clear signs of 'Girl Leave that One Alone', I really was blessed to find a strong man. And that again, challenged me to redefine what it meant for me to be strong:
Though some of us don't want to admit it. As a strong black woman, single mother, or whateva, we like to be in control for the power, the praise, and to be in charge. Sometimes I found myself wanting to dictate the situation, expecting him to only input, but not really and that is not how relationships work. I've learned to relinquish some of that power. Because if I wanted to be with a good man, if you want to be with a good man, we can't always be in control. And we can't always do everything alone.
Good relationships are hard to find and even harder to maintain. I honestly find them harder than bad relationships because inspite of all that negative energy, it is easy to yell, to vent to friends, to focus on his issues rather than my own insecurities. Oh what you go the real thing, when he puts in just as much as you, when he know what is means to be a parent, that's when we step back and go hold up - Mama didn't prepare me for this. We don't know much about this. Cause even though we want it, let's be real, many of us don't know what it is to have it or how to keep it when we got it.
There are so many things you learn about yourself, when you are in a relationship that allows you to grow as a couple. And I've learned that I've got so much to learn about being a woman, tapping into my softer side, not trying to fix everything for everyone, asking someone else for help, not always having to be right.... This list grows every day, but that's good. It's the type of growth that has helped me acknowledge my own faults, really understand how important it is for my son to be around his father, and it is the type of growth that helps me better understand the importance of marriage, family, and redefining these concepts for ourselves so that I can perfect them for our children.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Kiri Love on -
"Girls need to have that man, at least one man who truly loves them unconditionally"
This is effecting me so deeply and emotionally, I have to stop here and come back.
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Permalink Reply by Spirit Filled on -
These are the kinds of words so many of our women need to hear, both young and old. I am a, let me say, mature woman, celebrating my 40th birthday today (yipee!) and today has been a day for me to look back and reflect. I recently got married for the second time, but spiritually, the first. And a lot of what you said holds true for me. I had to get to a point in my life where I was honest with myself, and confessed that I had no idea what I wanted in a man. My first marriage lasted 8.5 years, I was married when I was 19 and he was 20. I don't fault the marriage on our youth because we were both mature, 2 beautiful children, owned homes, the entire nine yards, but for us, we lacked the spiritual attachment. Due to me not having a relationship with God, I had no idea how to fight for my marriage nor did I understand the importance of it. But once I "pumped my breaks", and gave my relationships to God, MY ENTIRE LIFE TURNED AROUND. I took the time to develop a relationship with God I focused first on the "Kingdom", and my husband was placed right in front of me. I actually bumped right into him, not looking for him, not expecting him, not thinking about him (a man), but when the time was right, the time was right. We met 02/23/08 and was married 08/08/08. And God has been ordering our footsteps ever since.
We all will go through seasons in our lives. Some of will notice this and others will miss it. But one thing is for sure. For those of you who notice it, sometimes it is sooooo much bigger that what you are going through at this moment, it's God trying to get you to where He wants you to be. And it usually starts with you starting to ask those self-examining questions, "What is my purpose?", "I dont know what to do with my life." "Why am I going through this." When you start to ask those types of questions, it may be time for you to get in touch with your Spiritual side, or focus more on it.
It's time for mothers/women to find their true identity. Understand it's not the man that makes you. Once you understand who you really are, you will start to attract a different kind of man, one who understands who he is as well.
In closing, we, as women and mothers, have a value that no one will ever understand. Remember, God could have sent our saviour anyway he wanted, but He chose to send Him through a woman. We have to embrace that and always remember that. I wish all of the readers the best of luck. Stay strong and blessed.
"Remember, give a stranger a smile today, it may be the only smile they get." ~ Spirit
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