What's Wrong with Half Siblings and Multiple Baby Daddies

[Mahogany Momma]

KLove sparked my desire to talk about fathers and I really want to put in my 2 scents about half siblings and having children with multiple partners. I myself am of Caribbean descent as is my son's father and we both come from a long line of half siblings. Though I am an only child on my other's side, my father had 4 children with 3 different women. My grandmother on my mother's side, had 5 girls, all with different fathers. My significant other has one brother and a sister, and again all 3 do not have the same fathers.

This happens so often in black culture and its one of the most common things people bring up when they talk about black women and sex or black men being dead beat dads. But there are other layers to this issue beyond failed black relationships that I think we don't talk about, but are actually very important.

When I got pregnant, my son's father and I participated in that genealogical survey you have to do during the first or second trimester to find out the probability of any birth defects in the child. The doctor asked us about any known health issues in our family, and after going down the lists of half we realized how completely clueless we were on the subject because our genetic lines were so all over the place. It was then we realized that on the topic of heath issues and genetic diseases, we had little clue about what our future held, or that of our child, because we had little clue about where either of us collectively came from. Shortly after that doctors visit I found out I had gestational diabetes and soon after that an aunt from my fathers side, informed me that not only did she just learn she was diabetic, it is common on that side of my family. This took me back for a loop when I sat down and not only contemplated the fact that I could be diabetic, but the reality that I have no clue about what potential health issues await me as I get older.

I feel like in our ignorance of normal family structures, lacking generations of grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts and uncles to connect to we lose so much knowledge of ourselves. This isolated issue really brought home all those grand and overall intellectual debates about the importance of rebuilding black family structures. It was the first time that I saw all our halfs as more than just a quicky commonality, its one of the many ways in which generation by generation we loose connection to our personal heritage and ancestral lines. Unlike other, for example Jews or the Irish, I can go back and talk about any one older than my great-great grandmother and now that she has passed, all of those people have died with her. But who would those people even be when we are constantly splitting into broken up families of mothers and multiple children of multiple fathers without shared grandparents, aunts, or cousins to bind us and make us one.

This is something that my significant other and I have talk about in great detail and we both feel that if we don't have any other children together, we certainly are not going to have children with anyone else because we want our children to have a shared family background. The same relatives to tap into, as opposed to a web that is far to complicated for any of us to navigate.

[Kiri Love]

My grandmother who was born around 1919, married once, had 12 children by 8 different fathers. My mother had 4 with my father, and 1 by another man, my father had an additional 3 kids by 2 more women, my sister has 5 kids by 4 different fathers, I have 2 kids by 2 different fathers 12 years apart, now my tubes are tied. I'm talking about all religious people here. I could go on, but you get my point. I'll have to come back and tell you how I feel about this.

[Mahogany Momma]

Amazing. Quite a list there. It's interesting how many of us have this in common...

[Carmell]

Ok my parents (married 48 yrs Leap year Feb 29,2008)have the 3 of us and that is it...no outside or step anything, and I myself have 4 kids 3 different daddy's and was married for years to my 1st daughter's dad and my 2nd daughter dad was a joke(I think I was going through my a stage in life when I did not have high standards lol), but glad I had my 2nd daughter, and my last 2 share the same dad that I have known and been with off and on with for 17 yrs now and remain good friends and he does his part like he is suppose to for the most part. They are ages 23,19,soon to be14(daughters), and 31/2yrs(son).

My oldest brother have 2 son's with my sis-n-law and raised her son since he was 2yrs old and he is 26 now and my other nephews are 12 and 21.

my 2nd brother has no kids and has been in his relationship for 10 yrs now.

[Kisha Jones]

As I'm reading the posts I start to think about my husband and his kids. He has 5 kids by 5 different women. It was hard to explain to my parents and friends why I decided to step out on faith to be with him but I did and things have been great for years. I do worry about the kids often though.... I worry for my son and the others because I wonder how they will handle/are handling the questions that people ask. My son and my stepson are just months apart and often, when we're all together- i get the questions and comments like, "Are they twins?" or "did you adopt this one"?- I've heard it all as people delve to find out what's really going on. With the comments I hear when I have both of the boys, I'm just concerned about what they hear when I'm not around.

I know the kids love one another no matter what but I just wonder how it will effect them as they grow and develop. Do they wonder why some of kids look different or have different names? I wonder how my husband is going to explain this to them as they start to ask questions.....
How do you as mothers explain this to your kids? I would also like to know how your significant others handle having to deal with multiple dads? Most of the mothers I have to deal with are just........"special" to say the least and sometimes it's challenging.

[Mahogany Momma]

This topic is a hard one as it is always going to be challenging. My half sister and I are 9 months apart so literaly while I was being born, she was being made - lol. Folks have always asked us the same questions about why we are so close to age and why we don't look alike. Hey, it is what it is. Both my mom and her mom and my dad (while he was living) made an effort to keep us together and in a good loop, if there was drama we never knew and that is what needs to happen. No drama around the kids. Of course my mom would feel alitle awkard when folks would ask about the other daughteer, but you have to deal with it, be honest and truthful. Though this is not common, I was always proud to say that there was never any Baby Mama Drama. My dad sat me and my sister down and told us that it was important to stick togehter, because if he died we would need to know about each other and suppport each. Sad enough is words came to pass and we have to do that just. I rather have lived dealing with questions and comments from others rather than lived without knowing all the halves of my whole family. But still,it does make for quite a complicated extended family!

[Claressa Pridgen]

I totally feel you on this. My significant other has three children and I have a daughter. He has been in my daughters life since she was seven months old and she is two now. He is all she knows as daddy and she calls his children her sisters and brothers.

One day my daughter hit my step daughter(14) with one of her toys. My step daughter yelled at her and my daughter said she was telling "daddy". I heard my step daughter mumble under her breathe "thats why he not your real dad anyway" She didnt know I was in the next room listening to the entire altercation.

Even though my daughter was wrong for hitting her shes only two. What would have happened if she was older and heard what my sd said. I dont know how I would explain that to my child. I know the situation may arise one day but I dont want it to happen that way. My child would be crushed she adores her dad as he does her. I think sd is jealous of thier reelationship at times. They have the whole Daddys Little Girl thing going on when she used to be daddys little girl.

We have both explained to her that she is still his little (even though she wants to be treated like an adult) but now daddy has baby girl. I make sure he does activities with all of the children together and seperatley so no one feels left out. Yet I'm afraid one day her temper is going to get the best of her (or she may do it out of spite) and shes going to tell my child that her dad is not her "real dad" or that they aren't "real sisiters".

My signifigant other and I are in the process of him adopting my daughter so all the children will have the same last name. I have the same question you have how will this affect my child as she grows up? I feel like if I dont say anything about the situation up front and she finds out she may be mad and feel as though I've lied to her all her life. Then on the other hand she may feel like why did I have to tell her and mess up a good thing especially if she comes across her biological father who is a dead beat. I'm not sure there is a perfect way to handle the situation.

[Michelle Cobbs]

I have a half sistem that is 6-years older than me who has a different father. I also have two older brothers, and a sister we all share the same father. I am the baby, for both my mom and father. I have never throught of them as my 'half' sisters and brothers. To me they have always been my sisters, and brothers period in my eyes once you start to distinguish between my mother; your father one is starting to be divided.

We are family period, I for one don't let that come in between staying connected. Now for comments on the issue of different fathers, I don't agree with it which is why my sons have the same father. One of my sisters, has three baby fathers. My niece has two baby fathers, we grew up in the same house I don't understand why she did the same thing my mother did and I did not. Growing up as a child my friends had 1 father so I would always say to myself that is one thing I don't want to do is have multiple father for my children, having to deal with the drama of it all is not something I would want to have to deal with if possible.

Its no picnic, I have friends who have to deal with such issues.. thanks

Michelle

[di]

I am the youngest in my family and my fathers only child. He adopted my brother and sister, who have different fathers, and raised ALL of us as a family. We have the NORMAL sibling problems, even at 42, 50 and 54 respectfully. Well not always normal my sister wants all the attention on her, she is the middle child, and makes it differcult to deal with. But the bottom line is multiple and bi-racial child is all too common with the black community. My son is bi-racial. Hell if you look at our genetic background from history are any of us just purely one race? But mulitiple fathers has become acceptable (which is not the best thing). So on the comment about this happening it depends on the situation. As for my mother, for example, she was 17 in NC and became pregnant by a soldier at FT. Bragg, my sisters dad was EXTREMELY abusive and then there is me. My father took her and her two children at the time and made a good life for us. So I am not here to judge that issue because there are different circumstances. Some women decide to have children from many fathers because of ignorance and others circumstances could have a beneficial reason.

[Queen92606]

My husband has done that with my oldest 2 kids. There father left when they were 2 and 9 months they are 8 and almost 10 now. My husbnad is the only father they know and love. It was mistake for choosing the wrong man but I was 18 thought I was in love, my kids are not a mistake but a blessing. The key is learning from your mistakes dont keep choosing the same wrong man over and over again to where you have 7 kids 7 daddies and they are all back to back. I have nothing against having alot of kids I had 7.

[Mahogany Momma]

True it really is important to break the cycle of picking bad men. *Sigh - unfortunately a lot of people are just too afraid of being alone to really stop and make the right decision.

[Mahogany Momma]

I definitely agree that it is circumstantial, but I think the issue is that it is such a big issue in our communities more so than others. Many people do it yes, but I feel as though black families are so much more divided and there are so many complexities that have help to keep those divisions in tact.

[kim]

As I read the different posts on this topic I can't help but say "wow" again.

I too come from a family with more than one dad. My older sister by 4yrs...we grew up together in the same household and no one can tell me that is not my sister. Love you Shell!!!

Anyway my own personal family is made from 2 different relationships. But I will be honest....for me I don't want multiple baby daddies. I mean I had my first child at 19yrs old and my last 3 kids started at 31,34 and 36 yrs with the same man. After that relationship ended I thought.....at this point in my life...the shop is definitely closed for me on having anyone else's baby.

For me, having multiple baby daddies reminds me that I'm not making the best decisions for myself or my family.

I also believe it says something about you. There is a problem if a woman continues to have multiple baby daddies. I'am not saying I am better than anyone...TRUST ME....I AM NOT
but we all know the drama and all the other aspects of being in a situation like this.