Should Children Always Be Allowed to See Their Fathers?

[Kim Crouch]

Not too long ago I was having a conversation with some friends of mine about the state of black America. Wherein the conversation quickly turned to absentee fathers. One of my friends, who is a single mother, talked about how her son's father never pays child support or does anything to take care of her son. But once or twice every year he shows up wanting to see him, spend time with him (i.e., be a father). My friend refuses to allow him to see his son because she feels like if he can't act like a father why should he be entitled to the privileges of fatherhood. Her comments made me think about whether fathers, who don't take care of their children, should be entitled to see them? What are your thoughts?

[holly]

This is very complicated. You have a mother who is working hard and trying her best by herself and a deadbeat dad who doesn't do anything for his child. He may want to come around like the childs neighborhood buddy. But I know a child may resent the the mother if he or she isn't allowed to see the father. I can understand a mother not wanting the father to come around ecspecially if he was negative, abusive or unbearable to her. In extreme cases, the father needs to stay away. Other than that, its all about the kid. However as they get older, they will know who the real parent is but will never be able to say, my mother kept me away from my father.
The child support situation makes it even worse. I have herd guys say, i'm not paying! and they ditch any way they can. If i was in this situation I would be very angry and wouldn't want the father to come around. Sometimes its hard to be the bigger person all the time.

[Clifton Thomas]

The both of you are right in a way, now i am a 57 year old widower, who is raising my three daughters, my wife of 25 years pass away October 2006, so i am a father trying my best with my girls. The two oldest one are in college and my baby girl who is 13 is in the 8th grade. Now i have no uses for a deadbeat dad, first they should call them deadbeat dads because they are no father, so they should be called deadbeats. Now i have one of my daughters who her mother and i where not married, but i took care of my daughter until she hit the age of 22 when she finish college. I am a real man but the problem is that not enough of the good brothers out there don't take the time to teach our young men on how to be a father. As far as letting them have time with there child, and they are not helping to take care of there child, but want to see there child now and then to play daddy for a hour or so. Sorry help NO they don't have any right at all. I take care of my girls and even now its hard but i do it because they are my daughters. If you give them rights and they are not giving any money to help care for there child then NO, they gave that right up by not taking care of there child needs. There is no such thing as a part time father, so my answer is NO NO NO Way.

[Melissa]

I am in the same boat as your friend, unfortunately. My son's father has been given every opportunity to be in his life but has chosen not to. Then on holidays or I guess when he's bored he expects me to rearrange my schedule so he can spend time with my son. I usually say yes but now my son is 3 and he will ask for him and ask where he is. I am also very conflicted because on one hand I want him to know who his father is, but on the other I hate to have to keep making excuses as to where his father is and why he is not around. Just these past few weeks I have been thinking of cutting him off from my son's life but I don't know what to do either. It seems that whatever decision I make I will always be labeled the "bad guy"

[Michelle Cobbs]

Do you want a child that will have the support and help of both parents part of the time or would you rather wait until this child is a teen at a time in their life when they really need both his/her mother and father. As I see it its not about you and him, its all about the both of you raising your children together whether that is part of the time when he/she gets to see him or her in some cases on a regular basis or not.

The priority here are the children, you were able to come together to conceive these children now that they are here why is there a issue to make sure they are have all they need. Any issues you have with him or her are just that 'your' issues with that person those issues need to be addressed privately between mom and dad, your children do not need to be apart of that discussion remember they are children and should remain children and not brought in the middle of adult issues.

It is and can be a very complicated situation, in the end I believe both parents have to have the best interest of the children in mind. For those moms who say no to letting fathers see their children what do you do when the child asks to see them do you still say no. What do you do when the child reaches out by calling his/her father, will you continue to not let him see them.

Its about the children, I get that some dads and moms too never step up to the plate. When they finally wake up what do you do. It important to remember it about the children. thanks

:)

[di]

You are so right about it being about the child(ren). But my question is what do you do when you have always made every option open to make sure your child is in the father's life and he makes no effort? Which is my story. I grew up in a two family home so it is VERY differcult for me to understandwhy J's dad does not make any effort to see him and take on the "father" role. I live in GA and he lives in MD. Last year I went home, I am from NY and lived in MD for six years, I wanted his father to see him. J was 2 at the time and his father had not seen him since he was seven months, his choice, and then we were living five hours a part with me in MD and him in NC. Naturally J did not know who he was and had to warm up to him. But once he did it was really good to see them together. I have told and had been telling his dad that he can come here and take J to Orlando for a few days and then go back home. He has not accepted that offer. I send pictures so much it clogs his inbox. When he calls J talks to him and if he is not here I make sure to let him know when he will be back. There are SO many things that I can tell but there is not enough minutes in a day for that ;-)
So like you said there are those that have not stepped up to the plate for one reason or the other. But what do you tell that child(ren) when they are young and thier father is not consistant in thier life and they want to know why daddy doesn't call or why he does come to see them.....

[kim]

I think when your child is old enough to understand, you tell your child the truth in a loving and compassionate way. But at this age he is too young. ...but you can prepare your son for his long absences by not expecting anything from the father. This way your child does not get disappointed when daddy does not show up and when he does it is a pleasant surprise for your son.

[Kiri Love]

I believe in regularity or not at all. But it depends. If the child is use to the father, had a relationship with the father, and longs for the father that he knew, the kid should see the father no matter that it is twice a year. If the child is not in any danger, regardless of if child support is paid or not.

But if the child had not known the father, never grew attached to the father since birth, have no bond or relationship with the father, then I believe that seeing the father twice a year is mere torture for the child. I have alot to say on this subject because I'm experiencing the absentee father with my 1 year old. I already blogged a little about it. http://www.myspace.com/kirilove

[kim]

Hi Kim,

This is a hot topic!

However in the scenario that you described I would say an emphatic HELL NO.

Stability and consistency is key in a childs' life. I too am a single mom and my ex and I have joint custody agreement. Which has the standard every other weekend visitation arrangement. My ex can't even maintain those arrangements. We have been in court 2yrs in April and many a time I have brought him to court on violations of the visitation arrangement. He has had suspensions of visits and even requested to give up his visitation all together all because he wants to be father when it is convienient for him. The judge had to urge him to rethink his actions and actually gave him 30 or 60 days for him to think about his decision. Wow I wonder if I can get 30 days to figure out if I want to be a mother or not!!!! The nerve.

Anyway a child needs more than an occasional visit here and there. Raising children requires love, consistency, and financial support to name a few. These "daddies" have no idea what it is to be a parent. It's easy to play daddy once a year or whenever you feel like it. But what are you really saying to your kids? What are you really saying about being a father.

End Story- men who aren't going to stand up and be responsible or involved in their kids life should do their children a favor and get lost.

[Kiri Love]

Wow Kim. That's alot to deal with too. When you have the time, please read my blogs on myspace. http://www.myspace.com/kirilove If you have a myspace page, please request me as a friend. I have a ton of things going on. I would like to talk more about this subject.

[Cynthia O.]

I agree with you 100%. You can not live off of water 2 times a year. So why should children have to be a father only twice a year. Sitting there dangling in their faces it is so close yet so untouchable. I think that they would be better off with out him. If I would have seen my father twice a year I would be a wreck.

I am a product of a single parent house hold. . . well kind of. I have 3 sisters and we lived with their dad. Whom "raised" me since I was a baby til I was 18 when he and my mother split up. He has since then remarried and he will call my sisters over on holidays or other occassions and leave me out of the picture. His wife has 2 grandchildren by her daughter and they are allowed over and to spend the night, but not my kids. So to get to the point my pain is not in the absentee "blood father" that I never knew, but in the one that wanted to play daddy and has now basically disowned me.

[Ms. Shawn]

My thoughts are, as long as the father is not abusive or harmful to the child let him see his child a part-time father is better than none at all. Mothers have to let their feelings/opinions go becuase the child may not view their father the same way as the mother view him and may act out due to the fact they want to see their father and mom is keeping them from thet.As the child become older he/she will then form their own opinion of their father. Paying child support is not the only thing that makes a man a father.Maybe the father didn't have a father himself and don't know how to be a man let alone a father.As strong black women we have to swallow somethings for our children.

By the way I raised a son who had a deadbeat father so i'm speaking from experience.

[Clifton Thomas]

I am so sorry for all of you lady's who have to go through the things that you are going through with the missing father. I grew up with both mother and father at home, and with my mother who is white, and my father who is black it was hard for my sisters and myself. But my father told me when i was very young that any man can say he is a father, but only a real man can come to the plate and be a father. The problems with most men today is that they have come from a home where there is no father in it, so how can they learn to be a father if there is not a father there to teach them. I am a widower and am raising my 3 daughters now, and it is very hard with no mother in the home for my 14 year old. The other 2 are 23, and 19 and are in college. I do agree with the lady that said that you should tell them the truth about there father, when they are old enough to understand. It hurts me to see fathers that don't take care of there children, the children didn't ask to come into this world, and they really need to come to bat and be a part of there child/ren life...God Bless each and every one of you mothers, who have to raise your child and or children by your self, but remember show them all the love you can, and they will turn out to become good mothers and fathers when there day come.......