Should Children Always Be Allowed to See Their Fathers?

[Kim Crouch]

Not too long ago I was having a conversation with some friends of mine about the state of black America. Wherein the conversation quickly turned to absentee fathers. One of my friends, who is a single mother, talked about how her son's father never pays child support or does anything to take care of her son. But once or twice every year he shows up wanting to see him, spend time with him (i.e., be a father). My friend refuses to allow him to see his son because she feels like if he can't act like a father why should he be entitled to the privileges of fatherhood. Her comments made me think about whether fathers, who don't take care of their children, should be entitled to see them? What are your thoughts?

[kim]

Hi Shwan,

I respect your opinion but I have to disagree with your comment about part time versus no time. I am a strong believer in a father especially black men being involved in their childrens lives. However.....you have to look at the situation on a case by case scenario. Because all shoes do not fit all feet. You know what I mean... Not to mention children need consistency, and stability. Period. Do you think a father that comes to see his children sproradically isn't creating mental or emotional abuse for his children? I am speaking from experience. Actually the part time father I am already experiencing which is also known as "joint custody". Speaking for myself their are no personal feelings that get in the way . It is simple. Love your kids, spend time with them, and be there for them. It is more to being a parent then when it is convienient for you. And I agree paying child support is not what makes a man a father BUT.......SUPPORTING YOUR FAMILY DOES. Children or adults do not live off of AIR. Maybe the father didn't have a father to teach him how to be a man but is that an excuse? NO. When you have children they don't come with handbooks and it is up to an adult to be accountable and responsible for raising their children . And if you don't know then you find the resources to learn how. As black women we should not make excuses for the fathers who are irresponsible and un-involved with their children. AND for the many fathers who get it THANK YOU AND WE CHERISH YOU.

[di]

You are so right. Mine didn't have a father in his life and when I mentioned joint custody he said no. And that is because he wants to see him when HE wants and not be told when he NEEDS to see him.

[Single Mama Diva]

Agreed.

[Kim Crouch]

Great thoughts! Glad to get a man's perspective.

[Fadia Ward]

Well I'm kinda in a situation like that. my daughters father is a mess. I went down to family court last year to sign away my rights to child support to prove to him and my daughter that it wasn't about money he agreed to take care of his daughter and be the man that she needs but he has yet to fellow through on anything.

she has spent 4 weekends with him in 12 months and he never answers the phone when she calls only if she calls from a unknown #, today was her birthday and he didn't even call.

I told my daughter that today was the last straw i will no longer allow contact, thats it and we are going back to court for child support.

[di]

Girl the money is for your daughter not you. He should help to pay for exspense she accures (and I mean that in a positive way, we would not have these if we did not have our children AND we did not bring them into the world without thier help) and he should pay for half of whatever account you have for her in the bank. Your right is not about money it is about responsiblity and getting what is need to help through money for HER.

[Lady Phenom]

i'm in a very similar situation....i havent heard from my sons father since january..because he was so hung up on our relationship issues that he opt'd not to be a dad. In the meantime i just started seeking child support..he's complying with that..but i was thinking to myself..what if down the line he wants to spend time with Micah? I came to this conclusion..because i dont trust him..i would not let him take him away anywhere without me...i just simply dont trust him..he didnt wanna have a kid...so im gonna treat him like i would a psycho stranger and supervise the visits with PROTECTION.

[di]

That is right!!! When I went home and James saw Jalen for the first time since he was six months, and he was then two, Jalen wasn't going NO WHERE without me. My son did not even know who he was and he cried when were in the store and he took him to the toy section away from my sight. I did not worry too much because we drove around in my car. But I hurried up and went to our son's side.

[Soon 2 b mom of 3]

I am in the same situation as your friend with my 2 boys, ages 8 and 5. Their other half ( he doens't deserve to be called a father) doesn't pay child support, which is only $50 a month, doesn't bother to come see them and only calls around birthday and christmas time and sometimes not even then. He has said that he'd come visit, but when the day comes around, he's a no show. I tell him not to mention to the boys when he'll come see them so that they won't be disappointed when he doesn't show. My youngest, who was only 6 months old when we seperated, doesn't even really know who he is, that's how much he is a part of their lives. I will never keep my kids from knowing who their father is, but at the same time, I'm not going to let him jump in and out of their lives when he feels it's convenient for him. I've told him numerous times, he's either there full time or not at all. I'm not going to put my boys through an emotional rollercoaster of not I'm here, now I'm not. It's not fair or health for the child to go through that. When my children are older and see what he's really about and they decide they want to be around him, then that's their choice. But right now, I think it's up to me to make that choice for them. I really don't think a "father" should be entitled to see a child that they are there for only part time if even that.

[di]

I had the same situation. My son's father had the nerve to tell him that he would see him this summer, yes I keep the phone on speaker so I can hear EVERYTHING. When he finshed talking to Jalen I kindly told don't he EVER in life tell Jalen something he know will not happen. Jalen doesn't have any money see his dad, can't make a plane arrangements and at three can't make that decission. If he was going to come to get him and bring him back I MAY have considered it. But he wanted me to do it for just one week. And he knew I wasn't staying so I would have to get a plane ticket to take Jalen and bring him back. Yeah right!!! So like you said he has no choices in the situation I do.

[Kiri Love]

Please listen to my very first BTR show that aired May 31, 2008, to hear what other peple had to say on this matter. It was worth the conversation.
Why do MEN hide from their children?? Was your Papa a rolling stone?

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/psycheofthesingleparent

[di]

WOW! I was just talking to my girlfriend about this. The situation game up when my son's older brother told me that he was thinking about getting a job in DC/Maryland, where there father lives. I am EXTREMELY close with James, Jalen's older brother, and we had talked about that once he graduated from college in December he would finally get the chance to spend time with Jalen. But he had said that he would be getting a job in NC or try in Florida when I moved there. See their
father lives in Maryland and I don't want him to have easy access to our son, Jalen. And the reason is because he was VERY upset when I had Jalen. We were both 39 and 41 at the time. We talked about having a child together and he said that I could have his baby. We went as far as me taking clomin to get me pregnant. Well when I did I went through the whole pregnancy alone. He came to Jalen's birth and the next time I saw him was when I had Jalen's dedication to Christ. After that he deployed, fell in love with someone else and we went our seperate ways. I moved to GA, because of the military and he relocated to DC. Where I use to live. Thank God I was relocated. Anyway we had HORRIBLE arguments on the phone. Cussing, screaming and hanging up on one another. I wanted him to spend time with our son. Jalen went through his first and second birthday without being seen by him. Through the years I was ALWAYS the bigger person. I sent pictures, gifts for holiday's and what ever I could think of. I NEVER want him to say that I kept him from his father. I told him that he could come here take Jalen to Florida to all the attraction and bring him back. He NEVER had any money. Mind you he makes $77,000 a year. He got married and his wife is really insecure about me, another story, so she rules that house. Well last year I went home, to Maryland, and allowed him to spend time with Jalen with me there. He had not seen him since he was six months so I was not allowing him to take him ANYWHERE without me. After seeing him he wanted to spend time with him. The same man that had not seen his son since he was six months, the same man that when I was going to deploy to Iraq and I asked him to watch our son he told me to let my mom watch him, the same man that wants me to fly our son to DC come back to GA fly back to DC to get our son and use MY money. And he only wanted him for one week.
So when my son told me he was thinking of going to DC to live I was not happy. Because he would want to have Jalen and I would not have a problem IF he was not where their father was. I am sick of being the bigger person and I am not making it convienent for thier father to see Jalen. Jalen does not know him and he know NOTHING about him and his ways, does not want to stay with him unless I am there (something he said on his own because we are really close) and for someone that would not have seen our son if I would not have went home last year I am just not having it.
So HELL no he will not see Jalen again UNLESS he comes here. I don't want him staying here, but he should spend time with our son BUT not at my convience again. I have done enough by making sure him and his famiy have been apart of Jalen's life through cards, pictures, phone calls and gifts.
If he was doing the right thing by our son I would have no problem with him seeing him but he will not be there for him when he wants to. Jalen is ALL I have and I am REALLY protective of him. I know what it is like to have a father in my life and what a GOOD man is because of that. So he no longer reaches that standard like I THOUGHT when we were dating.