Should Children Always Be Allowed to See Their Fathers?

[Kim Crouch]

Not too long ago I was having a conversation with some friends of mine about the state of black America. Wherein the conversation quickly turned to absentee fathers. One of my friends, who is a single mother, talked about how her son's father never pays child support or does anything to take care of her son. But once or twice every year he shows up wanting to see him, spend time with him (i.e., be a father). My friend refuses to allow him to see his son because she feels like if he can't act like a father why should he be entitled to the privileges of fatherhood. Her comments made me think about whether fathers, who don't take care of their children, should be entitled to see them? What are your thoughts?

[Cheryl Irvine]

I agree with you. I always allowed my daughter to see her father and grandparents. Although the grandparents were more reliable than her father. They went on vacations together, I made sure that she was present at every family event, etc. Well my x-motherinlaw passed away in February 2003, and my 26 year old daughter passed in August of the same year. She loved them so, I am glad that I didn't act ugly and keep them from seeing her. Now they are both in heaven together.....

[Ether64]

My ex felt that if the mother of his daughter wanted to receive any support from him, that he should get to see the child first. But then, he never paid the support anyways, unless child support had to run him down for it. My perspective is that this is not as complicated as some people try to make it. If the man is not pulling his share of the care, then he doesn't see the child, because it takes two, and if you have to fly solo in paying for everything, then why would you need the additional confusion and complications his popping into the child's life once in a blue moon, would create?

I went to court and told the judge exactly what my husband had said when he called himself joking around. He said that when my son reached age 5, he would take him and leave, because at that point, a boy no longer needs his mother. I didn't take it as a joke. I told the judge there was a risk of him stealing my son when he reached 5 years old. I told the judge about his track record of responsibility, and fortunately, the court itself had sufficient record of that in unpaid traffic infractions for ten years. I used that to my benefit, to point out his irresponsibility, and the fact that it was not safe for my son to have contact with him.

I got awarded sole custody with a six month review that would have to be initiated by my ex for re-examination of his eligibility for visitation. He never initiated or requested the review. So my son was mine permanently.

The only thing you will have to deal with if your kid(s) are very young at the time of the divorce, is them looking at every man as daddy for about 2-3 years in the beginning. My son was 2 when we split, so there hadn't been enough time for him to bond that much with my ex.

Once he was old enough to understand a little, when he asked about his father, I explained to him what a judge is, and what the judge said-basically, that because his daddy wasn't helping to take care of him, he could not see him. I asked him, "Who takes care of you?" and he answered that I did. I asked him if he thought mommy should have to do it all by herself, or if he thought his daddy should be helping, and he said he thought daddy should help. I explained to him that daddy was supposed to help, but he wasn't, and because he wasn't helping to buy his food, his clothes, or help pay for his sitter and so forth, the judge said he couldn't see my son until he did so. My son understood this.

As he got older, whatever questions he asked about his father and my relationship, I answered honestly. When he wanted to know why I wasn't with him, I told him the truth in a manner that he could comprehend. I made sure that he understood that it had nothing to do with him. I also tried to make sure that he understood that this was a choice his dad made, and was not because he was unlovable.

I just asked him about this, (he's now 13) and he said that he did think it was his fault until I told him it was not. I really think that if moms just talk to their kids and ask them how they are feeling about these sorts of things, they can help them through it. Just leaving your kid to deal with the reality of a negligent dad is hurtful to them if these things are not explained, and damages their self esteem. They have to know that that father is responsible for his decisions, and that they are not at fault in any way for his negligence of them-it's him that's the idiot for walking away.

I tried to make sure that I pointed out good things about his dad as well, because I didn't want it to appear that I was just slamming him. Remember, your kids self esteem can get affected if you only tell them the bad stuff because they are a part of that person too. They will begin to wonder if all the bad in them is their dad. My son did go through this for a minute until I caught on to his thinking and corrected it. I think you just have to be diligent and pay attention to your kids emotional health. But I reiterate that I don't think an non-paying father has any rights at all, and I'd rather cut him out of the picture, than to put my child through the torture of a bunch of unfulfilled promises from a worthless man. Peace.

[Ebonie]

I am a single mother of 2 young sons (2 and 1) and they're father is always incarerated, never does anything for them financially, nor is he there for them emotionally. My sons barely know him, but he wants to every so often come take them to his grandmothers house (where he lives!!) and spend time with him. I REFUSE to let my children go anywhere with him because he isnt mature enough to take good good care of my young children. Plus, I want my sons to be around POSITIVE men and he is far from positive. Even though he's 26-years-old, he isnt a man yet hes still a boy. What positive things can you teach them? What can they possibly learn from you? Everything he does is negative (i.e. hanging in the streets with his boys, being pulled over by cops, drugs, etc.) so therefore I will not let my sons around they're father because of these things.

[Single Mama Diva]

I understand your feelings. However, you said that he wanted you to take his sons to his mom's house "every so often" and that your sons "barely" knew them. Every so often while you are there is a good trade off. Also the fact that your kids "barely" know that side of their family is an even better reason for them to go, but only while you are there.

I think we forget the power of supervised visits. If your go there with your kids they can see for themselves how their father lives and you can answer all of your kid's questions up front. Later, they will remember your efforts to keep them connected, be able to make informed decisions about why they do or don't want to continue seeing their father and then you are free and clear. Sometimes it can be a POSITIVE thing to let our children see a bit of negitivity, so they can understand better why we as mother's make the choices we do.

Try it. And after a few times if you still feel like your kids don't deserve to know their father then stop. But at least try. Also, do NOT argue with their dad or act angry when you get around their daddy. This was the hardest part for me, but I managed. It's so easy to just act like he doesn't exist. I understand the temptation, but in the long run it will all come back to haunt you through your kids wanting so badly to seperate from you to connect with him later.

I have a girlfriend who did that with her daughter by the time her daughter was 14 she ran away constantly to be with her dad, who by the way was a terrible example. But the daughter had been deprived of the natural desire to see her dad that she just completely disconnected from her mom altogether to be with her "sorry" dad and their relationship has never really been the same since.

[Georgetta Rena Scott]

I do believe that a child should always be allowed to see their father. The only way I fell a child should not see there father if their father is the type to get them and then drop them off or if the father is unfit

[Ashanti Danielle Hasam]

Here is the thing that everyone needs to understand. As a mother we tend to instinctively want to protect our children from what we know about the man that is the dna father of our child. But this is a double edged sword. By not allowing the absentee father be around even if it is for a day. We are still continuing the cycle of allowing them the excuse that he is not allowed to be around. This also can cause resentment from our children who don't fully understand why momma don't want daddy to come around. We have to as a group(single mothers) not make the decision for the men but let them be man enough to take the initiative and don't close the door on him. At the end of the day when our children grow up enough to understand the concept of what is going on then that relationship is ultimately decided between child and father. Unless the father is abusing the child there is no reason because you are upset about how he is handling the situation that you should deny him whatever small bond there may be. That one or two days could be the most meaningful if you let it. Time is not always on our side. Whats a few hours gonna hurt beside your own emotional strain. Yes we have so many of our brothers who duck and dodge but what they refuse to admit is that they don't really know what to do and half of them are afraid of doing what their fathers did to them and don't even step back to realize that they are continuing the cycle. Don't ever think that it doesn't get to them to. This is why you have the scenarios where a "baby father" can't accept another man raising his kids. It is simply because once he witnesses how easy it is to just be present he kicks himself in the butt for not doing the same. I am not all the way rooting for them by no means but it isn't our job to police the days someone can and cannot see our children maybe be a little more open and don't make the unspoken hostility or try to control the situation. It isn't about us.....Its about our babies....

[Ether64]

I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with you. Why do you think 1 or 2 days every so often is good for the child? If that child's expectations are not being met, then there is nothing but hurt and angry feelings building in the child and they will act out explosively. They have a frustration that they can't express because someone is inconsiderate and is playing with the kid's feelings by making a bunch of phoney promises and never delivering.

It's completely different if you have a man that is responsible and reliable, but when that is not the case, you as the mother have to step up to protect your child. But you have to let the man take responsibility and accountability for his own actions and/or foolishness. He will perpetuate the cycle if that is what he wants to do. Don't give an excuse for them or put yourself in the middle to cover for their ineptitude or laziness, or just plain and simple lack of interest. It is the man's responsibility to step up as an equal partner in raising the child and if he doesn't, its not our jobs as moms to cover for them. We have enough to deal with.

I'm not saying keep the kid from a man that wants to be responsible to and for his child, just because of your personal differences. I'm sayin' if you have a nikka that is just a gamer in all aspects, and is one of these once in 6 months or a year kinda dudes, and doesn't call or inquire about the child, don't waste time and effort on him; nor give him the opportunity to break your child's heart. Better you tell that child what's up and why he can't come until the child is old enough to make the decision for themselves. But why put your child through that pain?

That sounds like a woman who is actually allowing foolishness for a personal agenda, like trying to get back with that man, so she uses the children to do it. I'm not saying that's you, I'm just saying that the scenario you introduced sounds like that to me, because I can't see why any mother would allow a situation that would potentially be so damaging to their child, and the child's self-esteem. Peace and blessings.

[Georgetta Rena Scott]

In my opinion about the whole thing really is that sometime men do not deal with there children because of the mothers. Do not act like you don't know some time we as black women can act real dumb sometimes (I am not putting any one down, just think.) If you and your child's father is no longer together and he move on to another relationship and still wants to see his child PLEASE STOP saying this you can come get the kids as long as they are not around that B*&^h. As long as the women has not harmed the child, let him be in his kids life. Yes there are a lot of dead beat dads. Sometimes if a man can only give his child time then let it be. A child should always and I mean always be able to see his? her child

[Single Mama Diva]

Das what I'm talkin' about! I totally agree with YOU. Sometimes women create or make the problem bigger than what it is. I am a woman, have seen the women and do not agree with this behavior. I have seen it more often that the mom just won't let the dad see the child more so than just the fact that he is a dead beat.

[Single Mama Diva]

If the father is NOT being abusive to the child or on drugs and endangering the kid I think he should be able to see the child whenever her wants until the child is old enough to say, "Mom, if dad can't be consistant then I don't want to see him at all." When we don't allow our children to see the faults of their parents the kid can develop a false sense of who that parent really is and will resent the other parent for keeping them a part.

At one time my children's father was going through some things and I would only let the kids see him in my presense. This was very grueling for me but it kept their relationship in tact until their dad could get the help he needed. I was honest with my kids about why the visits had to be supervised, so they were NOT lied to. This taught my kids that most issues have many alternative solutions, rather than just all or nothing.

Over the last few years their dad has finally matured into a responsible loving dad who is now in therapy and I think is a great example of how to turn your life around. Of course I was NOT this positive when I was going through. My kids would have never forgiven me had I forced their dad to STOP coming around because he wasn't "acting" the way I thought he should have. Sometimes as women we can jump the fine line of being nurturing and controlling destiny.

Conditions mom should set bounderies are:
1. If dad is abusing child
2. Lying to child and breaking their promises
3. On drugs, crazy and prove incapable of taking care of kid

I do not think that a father should be snatched away from his kid if he is not paying child support, because the child has no concept of money and can not comprehend that a parent must pay to see their child. That is ONLY clear to the other adult parent.

I have seen fathers not see their child because they were mad at the mother for getting too much child support from them. So they decided they would punish the mother by NOT seeing his kid. Either way, letting money stop a parent from being with their child is just as bad as the parent not paying child support.

Children must be able to see both parents whenever they want if the situation is safe.

[DeNana]

I can't tell other parents what to do, but this should not be an issue of what the FATHER deserves or doesn't deserve. The question is: Is the visit in the kid's best interest? I never, ever saw my biological dad growing up, and thank God because that was in my best interest. However, if the kid already any kind of relaitonship... Oo, that becomes tricky! My mom made damn sure to do all she could so I would a lead a lifestyle that left no room for baby daddy drama. I would never wish that upon myself or child, and most of the time, it's preventable.

[Tracy]

In my situation, I was married to my kids father, we divorced and at first it was ok. We talked about him continuing to be "daddy" even with him not in the same house. It worked until he met his "now" girlfriend. He did a 360, and it became very difficult to try and maintain a positive position when it came to him with the kids.

My mom told me to stop trying to make excuses for his shortcomings and let the kids see and judge for themselves. I did just that and as it turns out... they saw that he was a jacka$$ on their own. I think children who are refused to visit with their dad holds anger and hatred for the mom. Even tho' it's not her fault that he's a deadbeat, it's easier to take your frustrations on the one that's before you!

As long as he's not harming them or you , then I say let him see them, but try to explain to the child the whole time that he's not going to be around on a regular.