Should Children Always Be Allowed to See Their Fathers?

[Kim Crouch]

Not too long ago I was having a conversation with some friends of mine about the state of black America. Wherein the conversation quickly turned to absentee fathers. One of my friends, who is a single mother, talked about how her son's father never pays child support or does anything to take care of her son. But once or twice every year he shows up wanting to see him, spend time with him (i.e., be a father). My friend refuses to allow him to see his son because she feels like if he can't act like a father why should he be entitled to the privileges of fatherhood. Her comments made me think about whether fathers, who don't take care of their children, should be entitled to see them? What are your thoughts?

[Mrs. Nikki C]

I am not an advocate of absentee fatherhood, if a father wants to spend time with his child he should be permitted to regardless of the mothers feelings of the father and what he isnt doing. Unless that man is abusive..and it is a safety issue. That child in due time will draw his own opinions of his father. But as a parent we shouldnt bias or prevent a relationship because it isnt the way we want it to be. Children need there fathers, in more ways than one, whatever issues the parents have should be worked out amongst the parents but the kids should not be a pawn.

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[Misha]

My husband and I both believe that a father should be able to see his child and a mother should encourage the relationship at all times. What we need to do is pray for these absent fathers and hope that seeing their children and spending time with them will encourage them to do the right thing. We must remember that the child is the one being punished.

[Nicole]

This is a very difficult subject!! I feel that as long as the environment that the father or absentee parent subjects the child(ren) to is not contrary to the environment in which the custodial parent is raising the child(ren) in then visitation while it should be minimal it should be allowed. My children's father recently took our children on a mini vacation to the beach with his wife while he owes me thousands in back child support. Am I upset? Heck yes! There are so many things that I could do with that money to pay myself back for the times that I had to cover both my share AND his share. I deserve some relief too! I am happy that my children had that opportunity but honestly feel that their father doesn't deserve the opportunity to create those kinds of memories with them until he does his fair share.

[Kim Crouch]

All of you raise very interesting points and the truth is I'm not sure there is a right or wrong answer. But it's definitely an issue that deserves discussion. I actually talked about this issue the other day on my radio show because a friend of mine started an initiative entitled The Good in Him which seeks to help foster better co-parenting relationships between moms and dads. I do think children should get to see their fathers but I think it a bit unfair to children when fathers show up every once in a while or don't provide financial support for their children.

Kim Crouch
http://mothertoson.blogspot.com
www.kimcrouch.com

[Adiaha Akpan]

My thoughts are, if you feel as though the impact of your children seeing their father would have a negative on your children then no - especially if his standards and values does not meet your's, too many times Mother's carry the burden of not only the child but what those father's mother's did not do for their son's - my question is why should we? - I feel the right mature and responsible male would come along and you would know within yourself whether this is the right role model as a father for your children.

Adiaha

[Misha]

It has taken me a very long time to get this point in my life where I understand the importance of my children having a healthy relationship with their father. I hope that I do not offend anyone when I say, we as women need to be careful who we lay down with and have children by. I continue to pray for all the single parents out there doing the very best they can.

[NIcole Townsend]

I am going through the exact same thing with my five year olds father. I would get on him about making promises and having the child sit in the window for hours waiting for him and he would never show or even call with an explanation. One day he arrived out of the blue and I gave him the third degree. afterwards, my daughter came to me and asked why was I mean to her father. I told her that when a person says they are going to do something it is important that they do it then and not two months later. SHe said to me in a voice that only a child could,' I dont care when he comes as long as he comes". i was cut like a knife.At first I felt betrayed by my daughter who I have solely carried the financial weight for since birth but then the GOD said, allow her time to make a decision about her father. I still am frustrated but each time that he breaks a promise, I have to know that GOD marks it down in his book and there is no need for me to keep a running tally. I guess it hurts when you think that they do things for the other children or for someone elses child but not for yours. I can honestly say that I have always had inspirational, string black men in my life either through family or friends that make sure that my kids always have a role model. As a single mother at 36, I feel good that I am buying a home, working towards two degrees and can afford to take my children on vacation more than one time a year. So its ok if he doesnt fullfill his commitment because I will fullfill mine.

[Kim Crouch]

Wow. I commend you for being so open to your daughter's comments. Absent danger or safety concerns, I do think children should always be allowed to see their father even when they aren't doing all the things we expect of fathers. I've come to learn that kids need some interaction with their father and I assure you kids are smart they know which parent has their back. When his promises don't materialize, God is not only marking them down but your daughter is too. THis is why I think you should always allow them to see them because this allows the child to develop their own opinions about their father.

[Cheryl Irvine]

I know first hand about this. My daughter's father was the king of deadbeat. With a Ph.D I know that this man could afford to pay child support. I didn't keep her from her father or her grandparents. She loved her grandparents dearly, went on vacation with them, always visited them for holidays. Children will grow up, and when they do, they will know which parent was there for them.My mother always used to say to me "You always do the right thing, no matter what anybody else is doing" I did that and I am so glad. Her grandmother passed away in February 2003, and my daughter passed away in August 2003 at the age of 26. They all loved each other and today my heart is at peace.

[Latricia Watson]

This is a very good topic. I myself am a single mother of two, a 2 year old daughter and 4 year old son. My children have not seen their father since November 2007. And I have not received any type of assistance for them from him since then. He has never really provided consistent financial assistance. But, b/c he is their father, I tried to still work w/ him. But, sadly, he is just not committed to being their father. This man forgot BOTH of their birthdays this year and he also forgot our daughter's full name. On top of that, the last time I heard from him has been over a month, and that involved me giving him money (he had sent money for me to handle a situation for him, but it was too late). He asked about seeing them then, but I believe it was b/c he figured he was supposed to ask. And my only hangup is that he isn't stable and he needs to be able to provide them stability. I've had to comfort my son on more than one occasion b/c he missed his dad so much. I even had to just tell him "Baby, I don't know why, but daddy doesn't come around. But God, mommy, your sister, aunts, and uncle love you very much." It had gotten to the point that every time I was on the phone, my son would ask if it were his daddy. Or, if he heard a vehicle outside, he was looking to see if it were his daddy. So, I know that having him just come into their lives when he finds it convenient actually has a negative impact on my babies, particularly my son. Now, the sad thing is, their daddy has become a concept to them. My son had actually forgotten his daddy's name. I try to be positive whenever they refer to their daddy. But it is just such a shame that he has no role in their lives.

[Rfuaw Diarra]

Yes, this is a very complicated matter. As a single mother, I am a true believer that if a father wants to see his child he should be full time. Parents being separated does not stop a real man from being a good father. Father's that want to come around once or twice a year are only hurting the child. They get the child's hope's up and then break them down. I say if you are not going to be a full time father it is best to stay away from the child. Because all he is creating is mental issues for the mother to have to deal with. Especially our son's they can't deal with the let down, my son who is 11 years old is always saying things like what does he want, whenever we get that call once a year or every two years. Children are more happier with both parents, but can manager better if the absent parent just stays away, especially if they are going to lie to them, make promise they won't keep. Most single parent that get child support are very lucky, because most men think they are giving the caretaking parent something they don't deserve. They say we are spending the money on ourselves, as if we don't have the child (ren) 24/7 in our lives. I've heard saying like I will quit my job before I give you a penny. Mother's we all have to be strong in raising our children. My mother was mother and father, we turn out mentally and emotionally healthy. Just be there for your children and don't forget to praise the fathers that are very supportive and helping to raise their children. There are many good fathers out here. Mothers we are the giants of the universe we must stand strong and raise our sons to be better humanbeing first and secondly teach them the important of being a good man, teach them responsibility, respect and keep them on track. Our daugthers need us also, we have to keep them close and give them both quaility time and keep talking to them or this vicious cycle with continue in our community. I love all children, we have to take back our villages and raise our children. "It Takes a Village To Raise A Child."

[T. Renee Cole]

This is very complicated; but I think unless there its an abusive or harmful situation, a father is entitled to see his/her child(ren) just as much as a mother is. My view is that an absentee father usually showed signs of his lack of regard for responsibility while involved with the mother. The problem is that mothers are natural protectors of their children and do not want their kids to hurt the way they probably have at some point during their relationship with that same man. So they shelter the child from any relationship with him which can (not always but sometimes) be more harmful than good. Eventually the child, on its own, will see their father for who he is and decide if they still want to have a relationship. Allowing children to learn how to interact and deal with their emotions on their own makes them better persons than trying to make every situation right for them. For me, child support should be a separate issue. Each time you lay with a man there is a possibility of conception unless you take the necessary precautions. As moms we take on the bulk of responsibility in caring for our children...thats just natual. If you ask me child support is a whole other animal, the 21st Century slavery, to project the separation of families especially black families. Your friend considers a father seeing his child as a privilege to the father??? That tells me that she is using her child as a pawn to get back at this man for the pain she feels--it has little to do with the child. The man was good enough for her to make a baby with. She should allow the man to see the child and then let the child make his/her own decision.