Should Children Always Be Allowed to See Their Fathers?

[Kim Crouch]

Not too long ago I was having a conversation with some friends of mine about the state of black America. Wherein the conversation quickly turned to absentee fathers. One of my friends, who is a single mother, talked about how her son's father never pays child support or does anything to take care of her son. But once or twice every year he shows up wanting to see him, spend time with him (i.e., be a father). My friend refuses to allow him to see his son because she feels like if he can't act like a father why should he be entitled to the privileges of fatherhood. Her comments made me think about whether fathers, who don't take care of their children, should be entitled to see them? What are your thoughts?

[kim]

After reading your response I have to say that first I respect your views....However, I really don't think that you gave much thought about your answer.

You stated that mothers are natural protectors of their children. That I would agree with, and as a protector of your children you cannot leave things that are responsibilities of adults to be made by children. Sure not all fathers are irresponsible but if we're going to discuss fathers that are not responsible then no a father (or mother for that matter) should not be entitled to see the children.

And so what if you lie down with a man you could get pregnant....So both consenting adults should not be both responsible for their actions, if a baby is the result.

Please...

As for child support why is that a separate issue? If you have children feeding them is an essential part of raising them along with providing a roof over their heads, insurance, education, enrichment/quality of life. You get the picture. Support be it financial emotional, physical, or mental is definitely linked together, you cannot separate the two.

An absentee father who is un-involved with his children is privileged if they do spend time with their children. That is the time that the mother or whoever the caretaker is, that they see their children who is well taken care of, educated, and most the time happy...No thanks to the father who decided to do his own thing. So yes, it is a privilege.
I really don't think that after raising children on a daily basis that mothers really have the time or the energy to use their children to get back at the ex. We have too much going on to be bothered with BS. Like taking care of the children that they refuse to help take care of.

Again...so what if you/I lie down with a man and make a baby That doesn't make it good enough. Come on you can lie down with that same man and he beats you does that mean you deserve to get beat???? If a father/ mom is abusing drugs is that good situation for the child???

I agree it is complicated and therefore, it deserves more thought than... because I am a father I am entitled to see my children, even if I don't spend time with them, or support my kids. Let's be real...just look around and see all the broken black families, boys and girls running astray due to a lack of positive father or no father in the household.

respect.

[T. Renee Cole]

Hey Kim,

I feel you; the problem I had was that there is not enough space to explain my thoughts. Your points are great, but your intrepretation of my post is completely incorrect and you sound angry though I could be wrong about that so I apologize if I am. Often times we can only speak from our own experiences. I happen to have a friend who was married to her child's father. He never supported them financially even when they were threatened with eviction, but he did EVERYTHING else. Of course, my friend got fed up and eventually divorced him but they remain friends. My point is her daughter knows her father and what to expect and what not to expect of him. Frankly she can count on him for everything excluding a consistent flow of money. Now that their child is a teen learning to foster relationships on her own, she knows what she loves about her Dad and what she hates and what could be better. As a result the two are better people. He is still broke but she loves him unconditionally and knows him and that aspects of him flow thru her.

I don't understand your analogy regarding lying down with a man. My point in saying that phrase was simply to remind women that if he did not treat you well, cause most likely he didn't, why expect him to treat your child an extension of yourself well and then complain about it? And yes stuff happens, but if the baby is now here now why complain that he (the father does not help) if he gave indications of that while he was in a relationship with you? You gotta handle that...the child support is a separate issue to me because you will never get enough of it to raise your child. For one thing the government is involved so they get something, for another thing you cannot put a price on raising a child--read the book chains and images of psychological slavery by Naim Akbar. You are better off doing what ya gotta do on your own!!

I am too real...families are broken because people both men and women want to play house but don't think about or want the repercussions! We are living in a selfish, narcissistic world where men don't want to play without the responsibility and they glorify that with terms like playa, pimp, etc and women want babies because they think its "cute" or their biological clocks are ticking. Then when babies grow and begin to require teaching, nurturing and lots of money people want to complain and point fingers at each other instead of learning to deal the best way they know how.to foster a positive environment for their child.

If the father only comes around once in a blue explain that to your child in a positive manner; don;'t just say oh you can't see him. What if your child needs medical attention and the only person that can help is the father or the father's family but your child had never seen his father?

Further I specifically said from the outset of my post that she should not let the father see the child if it is a harmful or abusive situation.

So I concur with Bill Cosby, C'mon people!

[kim]

Hi T. Renee,

First my apologies, for coming off as angry. I'm not angry but I am very passionate about this issue. You are right.. there are so many thoughts in regards to this issue that instead of me making a comment it would be a book!

In light of your recent comments made, I have to say I do understand where you are coming from... However; everyone's situation is different and one size does not fit all.

It appears that you are assuming that mothers haven't sat down with their children to explain why their father is absent. I mean are we discussing the question if children should be allowed to see their fathers. I will quote above

"One of my friends, who is a single mother, talked about how her son's father never pays child support or does anything to take care of her son. But once or twice every year he shows up wanting to see him, spend time with him (i.e., be a father). My friend refuses to allow him to see his son because she feels like if he can't act like a father why should he be entitled to the privileges of fatherhood. Her comments made me think about whether fathers, who don't take care of their children, should be entitled to see them?

Therefore, we are discussing fathers who are basically irresponsible on a lot of levels. As for lying ( thanks for the proper spelling ) down with a man...I would just like to add that your example is not the standard.

Personally speaking my husband treated me very well but people do change. But I hear where you are coming from with your analogy.

To conclude my dear sista' I respect your opinion and am glad that we could exchange our different views on a very important topic....and maybe we gave a sista' who may be going through some similar issues something positive to think about.

kim

[T. Renee Cole]

Hey Kim,

Very much so, this is what it is all about. Everyone's experience is different and its great to share information to see others perspective. I respect your opinion as well as it is extremely valid and I absolutely agree that my example is not the standard. To share a little more, I have a step-daughter and my husband does everything; pay support (he was married to her mom) and nothing was ever good enough for her mom. If he wanted to take her shopping for school, spend time with her, etc. Her mom would make an excuse, "Oh you never take her to the library so you can't see her we're going somewhere" and many women use that power because the father is not what THEY themselves would like a father to be as oppose to doing what is in the very best interest of the child. So, that was my only point in saying fathers should be allowed to see their children as long as they are not bringing them harm after all that man is a part of that child just like the mom...hard to illustrate in a post or two. Have a great weekend!!

[kim]

Thanks, T. Renee - - You have a great weekend too.

Chat w/you later!

[Kim Crouch]

The other thing to remember is there are no right or wrong answers just opinions. We face so many issues as a community it's just important we be able to raise all facets of an issues such as is it even good to allow men who are irresponsible (i.e, only attempt to see their children minimally but don't pay child support) the right to access. These are tough issues and evoke powerful responses because we can all relate to the issue. The important thing is to just get the discussion going.

Kim Crouch
http://mothertoson.blogspot.com

[Laura]

Ultimately, I think that any presence is better than no presence at all. Yes, it is very frustrating to have to deal with parenting a child mostly by yourself and the absentee parent seems to have the option to come back and forth. But isn't denying your child the love of the other parent even worse? Sometimes you have to make the best of a bad situation. In the long run, we want what's best for our children.

[Darlene]

I was very interested to see this topic. I think it depends on the circumstances as to whether the absentee Dads should see their kids. In my case, my ex had a mental disorder and would not seek help. We were not married buy were in the relationship for about 10-yrs. Well after we broke up he started stalking me and the kids, I had to get a restraining order, various court appearances you name it. He even went to prison for 22 months. Well my children were 7 and 9 at the time. I never said anything bad about their father. I explained that he was sick and needed help and that they should never stop loving him and to forgive him for the bad things they witnessed. In my case, my kids who are now 13 & 15, don't want to see him until he gets help.

I think that being able to see your father, even if it is only once or twice a year, is better than growing up and not even knowing who your father is. Don't under estimate how smart children are, they know who has been with them thru thick & thin. They will eventually have their own opinion on what type of man their father truly is over time. Plus they will also have a greater respect for their mom for letting them see the father. Well that's just my thoughts on this subject.

Darlene

[Tavia Mouzon]

I have asked myself this on many occassions. Up until a few years ago, my daughters father was always there. However, he moved away and still spends time with her in the summer and on breaks. However, he doesnt help me financially. I have come to the conclusion that I will let her continue to see him, because at the end of the day I dont want her to resent me. Even though I am working two jobs to support her, I knwo deep down he still oves her or he would completely cut her off. I try to always give him options, but they always seems to fall through. I have cut out the agruing and put my plan into effect. I feel at the end of the day my daughter will realize who put there best foot forward...

[Single Mama Diva]

Very good! Your kids will remember you well for that and so will the universe.

[Carmen]

I see that this was posted earlier this year. I'm just seeing it and I wanted to respond. Yes, children should be allowed to see their fathers. The only exception I see is when their is some type of abuse. That is not a decision that we (mothers) should make for our children. We can, but I don't think we should. I think sometimes, those decisions are made based on our anger and frustration. They(children) have to decide/or develop their own relationship with their father(parent). If it is a case of promises that are continuously broken, it is so hurtful, but I think we have to work with our children. They are very smart and sooner or later, they may say "mom, I not waiting on him or her" (because it is not always the men who do this stuff). They may love their parent no matter what (and maybe that small thing no matter what (even perhaps a promise)is what keeps them going) and to take that away is not fair. Whether they pay child support or not - I don't think we have a right to do that. It may end up hurting the mother and creating resentment between the mother and child later on. I am not clear on what the "privileges of fatherhood" are or how money should entitle them to these priviledges. It is a responsibility that includes more than money; and it doesn't go away even if the parent is not their.You are right; you do have men who don't do right financially and otherwise,(and that is a big mess and trust me I do know both sides of this story - as a child and as a single mom); I just don't think this is the best way to handle it - at least if we are thinking about long term consequences for the children and even our relations with our children.

[Nappykat]

My answer would be yes. If the child is not in danger or harm (sexually, psychological, emotionally, or physically), then they should always be allowed to see their children.

If he's coming around once in a while, tell him you appreciate the time he does spend because he child needs and misses him, but you want him to spend more time with him. Work our arrangements and let him keep the children as often as possible. I'm sure if the child is with him, he will buy things for the children when the child needs it.

Some fathers think mothers only want the money, and that they want the money more than the time. If this is true, then you (the mother) should decide which is more important to you. If money is an issue and you want it, then go to court and get it. And stress that he still needs to spend more time with his child either way.