Should Children Always Be Allowed to See Their Fathers?

[Kim Crouch]

Not too long ago I was having a conversation with some friends of mine about the state of black America. Wherein the conversation quickly turned to absentee fathers. One of my friends, who is a single mother, talked about how her son's father never pays child support or does anything to take care of her son. But once or twice every year he shows up wanting to see him, spend time with him (i.e., be a father). My friend refuses to allow him to see his son because she feels like if he can't act like a father why should he be entitled to the privileges of fatherhood. Her comments made me think about whether fathers, who don't take care of their children, should be entitled to see them? What are your thoughts?

[Chawanda Brown]

I have had to make this decision with my daughter. Fathers that show up every once and a while to visit their children are not fathers to me. They should be there for their children 24/7/365. I don't understand why they just don't get this. What they don't understand is that mothers have to be both mother and father and it's hard. Even if they pay child support (Thank God) they are still not being a full parent to their children. I hate that mothers are forced to make this type of decision that impacts the child. I PRAY that absentee fathers(whatever race) see and feel the impact that not being there for their children will effect the childs life now and as adults. Absent fathers have taken away their visitation rights and put visitaion in a position to be viewed as a PRVILEGE. Be Blessed!!!

[Lashanda Barber]

I would never restrict my child from his father due to non payment of child support or lack of involvement. If he only wants to show up when the spirit moves him so be it. I would definietly talk to and counsel my child constantly and be up front with him about the sporadic dad...like I tell my son many people love their children but are not equipped to be there as a parent. My son and I have no contact with my ex husband because he was abusive and dangerous.

[Spirit Filled]

My ex-hubby was one that tried to use "being a father" as a control devise. If I did not answer his call, he would not see the children. But I never denied him his rights to see his children. Now that they are old enough, they have come up with the very own opinion of "dad"...not mine : )

On the flip side, I am dealing with my step-children and their mom. She refuses to pay child support, which is not a big deal because we are blessed to be able to support the children, but it's sad to see a mother respond that way. She rarely see's the children, but when she does, it's total chaos. But to answer the question, I would not deny the father his rights to see the children. Because what I learned, the children grow up to know the truth for themselves. But I guess it's what works for the individual.

thanks for the post.

[Kimberly Robinson]

Spirit, I agree that children grow up to know the "truth". My oldest son has been so angry that his dad stopped being there for him, after he got married. I always told my son to stay in touch with his grandparents on his dad's side and encouraged him to call his dad, but he would not. Although my son made the choice not to do so, I did not force him to see them or call them, although I felt he needed to have a relationship with them. I let him make this choice for himself, because I knew it hurt him to see the grandparents and not dad. I could see the hurt in his face and eyes, and it hurt me to know that I could do nothing to take that pain away from him.

Then, I began to look at the situation from another perspective. The grandparents were not trying to reach out to him. They did not call him or send him a card on his birthday or anything. They would get him something for Christmas, but where were they at the other 11 months and 24 days of the year?

Not only that, "Where was dad?"

[Kimberly Robinson]

I feel that if the father is not taking care of the child or paying child support, he should not be able to see the child/children. There is no balance or structure in the child's life. It is not good for the dad (not father) to see the child/children here and there, because it confuses the child/children. I call him dad, because a father takes care of his child/children regardless of what the situation may be with the mother. A father spends time and has a bond with his child/children.

Daddy comes and goes as he pleases, with no respect to the child/childrens feelings. As the saying goes "mama's baby, daddy's maybe".Although, we think it is alright for daddy to see the child when he wants, it hurts more than it helps. My oldest son is 18-years-old and his dad would call and say he was going to come and pick him up, when he was younger. I would tell my son, your dad is coming to pick you up today and he would be so happy. He would stand at the window and look for him, but he did not show up. After a while, I would have to tell him that daddy's was not coming. After this happened a couple of times, I stopped telling my son he called or anything else. His dad had gotten married, and spent the night with him and his new wife. When he came home, my son told me that the step-wife and her mom said something out of the way to my son. I talked to dad about it, and it was overlooked. My son never wanted to spend the night with him again. Soon after this occurred, daddy became distant from my son, so eventually I filed for child support from him. When I filed for child suppot, daddy got mad and he had a fit with me about my filing. This hurt my son tremendously, because he felt as though his dad did not want to take care of him. Honestly, if I had not filed for child support, daddy would not have sent any funds to me to take care of him. I should not have had to call him for anything, because that was his son and he knew that children always need something.

[Umm AbdurRahman]

He may not be good for financial support and she is the one doing all the work so I definetely feel as though she has the most right in terms of making decisions for the child. Those one or two days though may mean alot to that child and those one or two days may soften his heart and turn into added support in other areas of the child's life. As a result of those two days of him smiling at that child and making him feel good about himself that child may grow up and say, "You know I can't say much about my father in terms of financial support, I mean my mother held it down she did everything and I love her for that, but we sure had fun those one or two times a month that he came around." Children need fond memories that they can look back on.

[Unique]

I have to say there is a lot said here and a lot I can relate to...
If a mother has done everything possible to allow the father a space in the child's life at some point it is up to the father to walk through that door. If there are issues that get in the way of parenting then these issues need to be addressed for the well being of the child. The bottom line is and always should be the child. For single moms how do you get the father to see what a joy he is messing out on and encourage there participation? For single fathers how do you get the support of working together for the sake of the children? When a parent can just throw away a life and not look back there is something seriously going on there? At what point does it stop? Fathers need to stand up and step up. And mothers need to let them and encourage them to provide for there children.

[Unique]

I am not one that would deny my children access to there father for not paying support or not being consistent. When you really look at the amount of single parents to each generation in most family's it is so sad that we have accepted this as normal? What does that really say to our children about parenting and relationships?

[C_Beyondlimits]

I guarantee that this type of (part-time) "father" gets that feeling around his birthday or around Christmas/New Year's. That's when I see more of an "effort" from the father of my children. It seems like when his birthday rolls around, he suddenly realizes that another year has passed and he sees how little he has contributed. Or, it happens around New Year's when there is an implied feeling of renewal and new chances on the way. He makes the same "I'm gonna" list and falls short. He has come through on occasion when I really needed help, but I rarely ask him for anything. With all of this said, I never keep his kids from him. Ladies, please don't hold the kids hostage to try to "punish" him for not doing enough. He won't get the lesson in that. Instead, look at it as a learning opportunity for your kids. They need to see for themselves what kind of father he is going to be... they will need to build a "tough skin" so that they realize how strong they are without him. They will take the father for who he is. Yes, they will learn about disappointment in the process, but what life do you know of that doesn't include a lesson in that?

The only time you should keep the children away from their father (or anybody else for that matter) is when they are putting your children the direct path of harm. If they are putting your children in dangerous situations or teaching them things they should never know, they have no business with them.