Trans-Racial Adoption

[Kris]

Hello Ladies,

I'm a white woman who is considering adopting a 4 year old black child who is currently a ward of the state. I'm looking for HONEST opinions from all of you, your thoughts, feelings, concerns, etc. I am college educated, own my home, and have absolutely fallen in love with this little girl. I've heard from other people that the black community generally frowns upon the adoption of their children - citing that the children rarely have enough exposure of the black culture.

I myself live in a mixed race neighborhood, and have both friends and co-workers who are of color, and believe that I have a good network of folks who will enable me to raise this child with a strong sense of her black identity.

I am concerned that in adopting this girl, I may steal her from a chance of being adopted by a black couple who may *possibly* be better suited for her. The other side of this, is she also has a good chance of being raised in the foster care system since she is an older child, and therefore less likely to be adopted. I want to do what is best for her. I can provide her a loving home, and everything that comes along with it. My question to you, is my network of black friends sufficient enough to provide her with a strong enough sense of her black identity without having been raised in a black home?!

You may think I am ignorant for asking, but I feel it would be worse for me to not ask at all. As much as I like to think we are all the same, there are differences which will be HUGE to her if she grows up and feels she's been short changed of those experiences. I do not want her to feel that I've neglected such a huge part of her life.

Since I am 100% certain I'm going to pursue the adoption, I'm reaching out to you for advice, suggestions, ANYTHING that can help me prepare this child for life in my household, yet will help her maintain her black identity to grow into a confident and well rounded individual...

I do not have a church, but am spiritual. If I were to attempt to take her to join a black congregation, would I be accepted for her sake? Should I take classes on hair care, or would it be better to allow her to go to a salon on a regular basis if only for the experience?

Please be honest, and I welcome any and all comments... even if you feel this is totally wrong for some reason, I welcome those as well.

I know the perception of some is that a white person adopting a black child is only to 'save' that child. Or, to provide them with things that they would never have otherwise.

My motivation is simple, I want to be a mother, and this child needs a mother - I'm not biased or prejudiced, and can provide her with a good life. She is only 4 years old, which is young enough that she may never remember her original family. I don't know the circumstances that brought her into foster care, but I certainly don't want that loss of her family to also equal the loss of her identity as well.

Which is why I'm reaching out to all of you. Please help me to understand what your lives are like, and how I can help her live hers to embrace yours.

[Kris]

Thank you in advance for discussing this topic with me - I do appreciate your responses. :-)

[lynvalerie]

Hi Kris-

Hmm...I have a few thoughts and opinions about parenting a black girl, of which I'm going to share very candidly with you, in hopes that you read with an open mind. I want to begin by commending you for deciding to adopt- motherhood truly knows no bounds, and I'm happy to hear that you've formed a bond with this child that will satisfy both of your needs.

My first and most obvious concern is this- although your intentions are pure, and you have "black friends" that can help you, its a fact that no one can prepare a black girl for the ills that she will face for being a black woman better than a black woman. It sounds exclusive, but the truth is that you will never know how it feels, and won't be able to relate in that manner, thus severing a bond that traditional families share. For this, I'd see that your child has black women that she can confide in.

Second, the issue of acculturation will undoubtedly rear its head. Whether your daughter lives in an integrated neighborhood or not, she will always be deemed the "white girl" of any given black group, given a stigma because of her upbringing. However educated, well-fed, and well-mannered you raise her, she may rebel, assuming a more "black" role, to fit in with her peers, or vice versa. Self esteem and self confidence might be a struggle for your little girl, but as long as you listen and give advice with an understanding of the cultural differences that your child is facing, she should be just fine.

The last and perhaps the most pressing concern that I have personally is this- make sure that your intentions are SINCERE. I've worked in the non-profit field for three years, and have interfaced with professionals who feel like its their mission to "save these little black kids from their surroundings and themselves." While your little one is in a predicament that is not beneficial to her upbringing, please don't go into your relationship with the mindset that you are doing a service to black folks, saving a little black girl from being a [insert generic stereotype here], because apparently black people can't do for themselves. Yes, your daughter to be is in foster care, but she is NOT a charity case, and you are NOT doing a service to black people. It might be mind blowing to hear, but there's truly nothing you can "save" her from- give her the tools to be the best woman she can be, and hope that she will do the right thing.

All in all, I think although it will be tough, in the end its worth it to see the little one smile, and to know that you helped to mold her into what she is destined to become. You'll get racist remarks, you'll be befuddled on how to tame her hair (I'd suggest getting her to a salon regularly), and you'll question your decision many times, but in the end what you're doing is indeed a great feat. If you love her sincerely, you'll ultimately know what is best.

Hope this helps,
Lyn

[Kris]

Lyn,

I greatly appreciate your candor, and the honesty of your response is what I was hoping for. Thank you. I do realize it will be an uphill battle - some white people may not be accepting of me having a black child, nor will some black people be accepting of me raising a black child. It was a concern that she may be treated differently from her peers because of having a white mother. I'm hoping that role models would help to offset the comments of other children and the insecurities that may bring, because I know there will be parts of her life that I'll never be able to relate to because of our differences.

However, I feel it is important for you to know that I am being very sincere - as the way I view this, she does NOT need saving, and certainly not from herself. I think a person that views adoption in any form as a 'service', 'rescue', or 'duty' is most definitely NOT ready for the commitment, and is approaching the adoption for all the wrong reasons.

I also know that no matter how much I say this, there will always be a lingering doubt as to whether my motivations are misguided, simply because of the race differences.

I don't stereotype, because you never know the circumstance that brings a person to any situation. I work in a financial institution - and in today's economy, I see that hispanics, blacks, whites, asians - ALL people are losing their houses, their jobs, their vehicles every day, and although some do make poor decisions, others have no choice but to deal with the situation because of circumstances out of their control.

For example, a person who paid their bills on time every month for YEARS may now not have the resources to continue to do so - of no fault of their own. Some people would stereotype and say that this person is a deadbeat, or a loser, or lazy.

It is very easy to judge another person - and stereotype, but I also don't know if they're saving every PENNY they have to pay medical bills they now have coming in, because one of the spouses is now facing cancer, and they view this as a private matter, so it is never discussed, yet you can see the illness is tearing away at them. Another person might have a crappy credit score - and some people would view them as deadbeats as well - without knowing that it isn't due to their ability to pay their bills. Instead, it's due to a terrible and messy divorce. EVERYONE takes a hit to the finances in either situation - and to blindly label someone as a deadbeat because of circumstances that are out of their control is simply wrong. You can't judge another person's situation fairly unless you're filling their shoes. Although I know this is something that can never really happen, I do believe that if someone really tried, they'd find it a lot harder to walk in them as they can in their own.

Likewise, a child landing in foster care is not due to a circumstance they have created. To stereotype a child, black or white, because of a situation they are in is completely wrong and unfair to them. I realize some people DO do this - however, if there is any 'saving' to be done, it's already been done. The act of the courts to remove these children from the abuse or neglect at home is saving enough.

I'm just hoping to give her back the safety, security, and love in life, and plan to continue soliciting for advice from ladies such as yourself - because I am very aware that "no one can prepare a black girl for the ills that she will face for being a black woman better than a black woman". I feel that the only proper way to raise her is with the advice and insights of black women, so she has a solid grasp on her identity. I don't want her to lose her sense of self along the way.

The racist remarks can be dealt with, but I have no intentions of making her a target by walking around with hair that looks like it was poorly done... I wouldn't wish my (current) hair care skills on my worst enemy, and she certainly doesn't deserve that. Aside from this, I'm sure that the details in everything else will come in time, as our bond grows.

Thank you again for your candor - I'm sure my daughter will thank you as well.

Kris

[Nicholle]

Hey Kris,

How thoughtful and smart of you too ask Black Moms what they think of parenting a little Black girls. It already shows that you are a resourceful person, conscious of what your weaknesses may be. As a sociologist first, I'll say yes, there has been tremendous backlash from Black Social workers and families on this issue. However, there has also been a lack of action on this issue, and I am sure you already know the stats about foster care, older children and older Black children especially. Despite this backlash, the fact is, kids need homes, regardless of color.

I understand your acknowledgement of the issue of "saving" the child- (one of those issues associated with white guilt)... and you stated you were not doing this adoption out of any ulterior motives, so I suppose that issue is already settled.

So, to answer your question, I suggest you read up on transracial adoption. I can send you a few sources if you are interested, that include some testimonies from children who were transracially adopted. Just message me on here.

From what I've read, they key is providing age appropriate answers when the questions come up, and not forcing anything on the child. They usually go through up and down cycles of questioning about race and difference etc.

You stated you believe you have a good network. Have you tested that belief yet? What are your friends/coworkers willing to offer? How are they willing to be of assistance?

As a parent of a Black child, you should realize that mainstream society often ignores children of color, and when they are addressed, it is usually as a "problem". So, you , as a parent of a Black child regardless of your race, have to be responsible for providing positive images of blackness to your child- books, dolls, movies, tv, music. But also, present her with material that recognizes the diversity of the entire world. For example, my children have books about Black boys, Latino girls, Asian children etc. Some are in English and some are in English and Spanish, although they are Black boys who speak English only. There is a member here on BMC who actually writes books about little black girls. I think his name is Derrick Barnes, so check out his page and his books. One thing to remember is that when you go to mainstream stores you will have to WORK to seek out books about people of color, toys that are ethnically diverse, and media that is supportive of the black family.

Again, with the church issue, you may be better off finding a multicultural church, IF you want to start attending a church. That way neither one of you feels ostracized, as youre more likely to be surrounded by people who will not see your family as an anomaly.

Finally, in regards to the hair issue, there are plenty of natural hair care forums on line for you to learn how to care for her hair. Most Black women do not take their children to the salon until they are teens, unless it is a special occasion- Easter, Christmas or unless they want a special style- braids or something complex like that. At the age of four, you can wash her hair, condition it, and then plait it up, and style it into ponytails with barettes on the ends, or take her to a beauty school and let them braid it once a week. By doing this, you can also learn to care for her hair and do it yourself. This is nothing to be apprehensive about, there are plenty of Black men I know who do their daughters hair, so it is something you can learn. Plus there are tons of black hair care magazines available, and more and more are focusing on natural hair, so you should have no problem learning to care for her hair. The key is keeping her hair healthy, and not letting her begin to think her hair is a problem, just because it is different from yours and require a different type of care.

Overall, I suggest letting her know she is loved, doing things to ensure she feels good about herself, and caring for her like any mother would care for their child.

[Kris]

Hi Nicholle,

Thank you for taking the time to discuss this with me. I have definitely given this a lot of thought and am encouraged with the responses I've received so far. You have definitely given me some new items to consider, research, etc. - which I do appreciate. I would very much like to see the resources you have on trans-racial adoption. I have already looked into the links that this website provides relating to books, dolls and the like, and was impressed that they had it organized so thoughtfully - and it was obvious a lot of hard work and care was taken with compiling it. Some friends of mine adopted a baby girl from China - and at that point in time, it was hard to find Asian items on the shelf or even online. Finding an ethnic doll of any kind was very difficult - and when I did find an 'ethnic' doll - it didn't even say what ethnicity it was. It could have passed for Asian, Black, or Hispanic - as it had traits of each; Asian eyes, dark skin, but had blue eyes, which I know are somewhat rare in each ethnic group. I don't know what the doll company was thinking - other than to hope that it would pass enough so people would purchase it for their children. I bypassed it - and held out until I found a Fisher-Price Chinese character doll. What I didn't know at the time, was that her mother had such a hard time finding an Asian doll, that my gift was the first one she had encountered. Oddly enough, it was found at a local chain store - but was the only one on the shelf.

The multi-cultural church is a great suggestion, which I will definitely look into when the time comes. I had also considered whether she's been attending as a foster child, to see what I can do to take her back to that particular church so she can visit familiar friends.

I had planned to have a discussion with the friends I spoke about regarding what whey would be able to assist me with/educate me on. However, I believe that the resources at her school, as well as any parents of her peers might help me to fill in any gaps I might encounter. I may be naive, but I would like to think that I could have an honest discussion with a parent of my daughters' playmate if it were necessary to go that far. Of course, I also have resources on this site as well. I am thankful it is here.

Your insights on hair care are very helpful, it's good to know what the 'norm' is for styling, and the suggestion of the beauty school is excellent, I hadn't thought of that. I have read a lot online regarding the use of natural oils, natural bristle/boar brushes, the importance of not over drying her scalp, moisturizers, conditioners, etc... are very important. I now know the basics In theory... now in practice, well at least I know what to be cautious of - until I can get the hang of it like the Dads do. Some things only come with experience - but I think awareness goes a long way.

Thank you for the information and the encouragement.

[Iyabo]

I have to give you credit, you have guts. I am not in favor of white people raising black children, but I will admit you have me intrigued here. I agree that love knows no color, it is people that have the hang ups. Your child will be ostracized, because her having a white mother makes her an easy target for people to hurt her.

By reading this discussion, you seem to have a sincere dedication to this child to take on this lifelong struggle. Whatever you do, make sure you are honest with her about people and racism. You already know that no matter how deep your love is for her, you will never be able to live in her shoes. My suggestion is to find a black female mentor for her and yourself. She has got to have some black woman guidance in her life from the beginning. Be sure to feel very selective, you are a mother and naturally you want your child in good hands.

It is absolutely phenomenal that you reached out to a group like this. I would say to also seek out groups like this in your area, maybe try meetup.com or something to locate "black mom groups". Introduce yourself and let them know your situation. While they may or may not be accepting of you and your decision--NO TRUE BLACK MOTHER WILL TURN HER BACK ON A YOUNG BLACK CHILD. Irregardless if she birthed that child or not, all black mothers know what lies in wait for a black child's future and our duties as mothers will not let us ignore that.

[Kris]

Hello Iyabo,

Thank you for the credit, and for the kind comments, but in all honesty I feel that there was nothing for me to lose in posing my questions here to everyone. The alternative would have simply kept me guessing and wishing that I had - but I think that in my heart I knew that ladies would still discuss this topic with me for the sake of the child - as mothers would. I don't feel like I have done anything exceptional in opening this discussion with you - but from other sources I've seen - I might be the exception in asking for advice. I'd like to think that other prospective white parents of black children have at least discussed this with the black community at some time or another. There is a lot to be gained by communication, and I have the utmost respect for ladies such as yourselves for candidly speaking with me on what I'm sure is something that is bound to be a sensitive subject for all of you. It must be hard to watch children be adopted by very un-qualified people, who then strip the children of their sense of self in trying to make them fit into white society.

I'm trying to make myself the exception here, for the health and well-being of my daughter. I feel it would be very irresponsible for me to bring her into my home and NOT address these items, and if for whatever reason I do not have the courage or willingness to discuss them with black individuals, I certainly have no business bringing a black child home to live with me - because I wouldn't be prepared for what she's up against.

I've already got a mentor in mind, who is a good friend of mine - who would be an excellent role model for her. This lady is a professional at work, is highly respected in the community, and is very active in her church. I'm not saying that a woman would have to be any of these things to be a good mentor, but this lady has worked very hard to achieve her successes - and it is something my little girl could gain valuable insights from, because we both know the world will be working against her, no matter how much we fight it. I admire this person very much, and believe that my daughter will be in good hands. I just need to have this conversation with her - as Lyn pointed out earlier.

Thank you.

And - thanks again to all of you for the time, care, and courtesies you've extended to me in this conversation. I still welcome all comments, but felt it important to give thanks again, because I really respect the fact that you've responded with the candor as you have.

:-)

It is good to know that you are here.

[Mahogany Momma]

Hi Kris,

This is lhenry, the founder of BMC. Both your membership request and this post intrigued me, which is why I was happy to have you as a mommy to be on our growing network. To repeat what others have said, I definitely commend you for seeking out this space and being courageous enough to ask questions. I know you've said that you don't feel there is anything really extraordinary about this step you have taken, but it truly is a unique and positive thing as most don't take the time or have the courage to do what you are doing.

That being said, I will put my two cents in by stating that what you are doing is a good thing. Although, like many black women, I can honestly say I too frown upon white people adopting black children but not because I think its just a 'race thing'. I think for many of us, the issue is a feeling that we aren't doing enough to help our own children, so apart of it is guilt.. it is a fear that these children will grow up to be successful but in so many ways detached from issues relevant to the black community at large ... our fears, failures and lack of action tends to be presented as simply a dislike of trans-racial adoption, but like many things, there is more to this issue than meets the eye. But that's the big picture that we tend to get fixated on when thinking about this issue on a grand and larger then life scale...

In reality when I think about the individual children, like the little girl who will hopefully soon be your child, I think that irregardless of the real race issues that might arise, the important thing is that you love her and you become the family she deserves to have. There are children born in bi-racial families with parents who have no clue how to relate to them, many of which don't even try to do as much as you have. The fact that you are conscious of the realities of raising a child from a different race means that even as imperfect as we humans can often be, you will know enough to improve on your imperfections and make the right decisions as a concerned parent - a responsible parent.

Above and beyond this, I can only suggest that you not only research the adoption process, but take the time to learn/ teach her about her own culture. If you know any personal family history, where her family was from, her specific cultural background, make the time to share that with her so she always has a sense of who she is. As others have said, positive images are crucial. I tell black parents they need to surround their children with positive black images as its not popular in mainstream media, so if you can do that you will be far more proactive than many biological parents are today. And don't force it. Do what you can, how you can, with the resources available to you. No need to try to be something else to accomdate what you think Black Folks or White Folks think is right for your child. What is best is good parenting, everything else is secondary.

Whether she comes from black parents, white parents, or anything in between, she still is going to at some point have to develop her own understanding of race relations and how she deals with them. So long as you always provide positive reinforcement and a listening ear, experiences will only make her stronger not less black. You being white, can not make her less black and that should never be a thought for you. Issues and comments are going to come up, prepare for it rather than try to overcompensate in the hopes issues won't arise. I think, that you will find that the more confident you are in who you are and the relationship you want to build with her, the less you will be consumed with other people's perceptions of what you have done. Leave the talk to the talkers. Act like a good parent, continue to be open to growth, and be aware that you will make mistakes (as all parents do).

Good luck,
LaShanda

[Kris]

LaShanda,

THANK YOU for approving my request to join this site. I did try to respond to the acknowledgment e-mail but I believe it did the whole 'do-not-reply' address thing. I was really hoping that I would be approved, because I felt very strongly that this would be a good sounding board for my questions and concerns. It is a great thing you have here, and I am grateful that you trusted me to become a part of it. Everyone here has been supportive and have given me valuable information - even while saying that they, as you, were opposed to black children being raised by white families - and I completely understand your reasons and I respect them.

I appreciate the candor of everyone on this posting. And I promise to do what I can, how I can, with the resources available (including mentors) to raise my daughter to be conscious of the issues that the black community face, so that when she does become successful, she can hopefully help to contribute to the changes that need to be made in society - or at the very least know that changes should be made. She won't grow up to ignore all we've discussed, which is the primary reason I contacted you. I want to be aware of what's out here, how to handle it, and how to raise her to be conscious of it - because it is all very much a part of her.

Your comments and suggestions will be taken into consideration with everything else I've gleaned from this posting over the past few days, and I am honored that you all were gracious enough to carry this conversation on this far. I am truly appreciative. Thank you again for allowing me access to post here. The courtesies you've extended me will not be forgotten.

Thank you.

[Kris]

Hello Sa,

Thank you for your comments. I think most everyone is against the adoption of a black child to a white family because there is a huge risk of the divorced culture. That is a very good way to describe it. My reaching out to the ladies on this forum was an attempt to avoid exactly that. I don't know what it is like to be black, but I'd like to believe that a white mother for her is better than not having one at all, despite the issues that may come of it.

I can only work with the resources at hand, educate myself, ask questions, etc. That is why I asked to become a member of this site - I wanted to hear from the perspective of other members to see what we'd be getting into, if it is fair to her, and if my plans/actions would be ENOUGH for her to be secure in her identity while being raised in my household. I can only strive to do my best with what I have, and can ask questions on the rest.

For your side note, I agree with you. I am not adopting my daughter to 'save' her from such problems, but I definitely agree that they exist and it's going to take a huge commitment from everyone to see that when help finally does come, that it goes to who needs it the most; the children.

[Andread]

Hi Kris,
I am happily amaze that you are willing to take on such an honorable challenge. Yes, the "race thing" is still a terrible issue that we all face, even in 2008. But a stable and loving home will transcend all of those challenges.
Life may never seems fair. And it sometime deals us an unfavorable hand. But it is people like your self, who is willing to look beyond those unfavorable issues and open your heart and home to offer "hope." Regardless of the color the skin. This child needs a loving home. Sure, it will be tough. But according to my favorite book, The Bible. "Love never fails".

[Kris]

I'm pleased that you feel the same way as I. Love never fails.

Thank you Andread. :-)