Trans-Racial Adoption

[Kris]

Hello Ladies,

I'm a white woman who is considering adopting a 4 year old black child who is currently a ward of the state. I'm looking for HONEST opinions from all of you, your thoughts, feelings, concerns, etc. I am college educated, own my home, and have absolutely fallen in love with this little girl. I've heard from other people that the black community generally frowns upon the adoption of their children - citing that the children rarely have enough exposure of the black culture.

I myself live in a mixed race neighborhood, and have both friends and co-workers who are of color, and believe that I have a good network of folks who will enable me to raise this child with a strong sense of her black identity.

I am concerned that in adopting this girl, I may steal her from a chance of being adopted by a black couple who may *possibly* be better suited for her. The other side of this, is she also has a good chance of being raised in the foster care system since she is an older child, and therefore less likely to be adopted. I want to do what is best for her. I can provide her a loving home, and everything that comes along with it. My question to you, is my network of black friends sufficient enough to provide her with a strong enough sense of her black identity without having been raised in a black home?!

You may think I am ignorant for asking, but I feel it would be worse for me to not ask at all. As much as I like to think we are all the same, there are differences which will be HUGE to her if she grows up and feels she's been short changed of those experiences. I do not want her to feel that I've neglected such a huge part of her life.

Since I am 100% certain I'm going to pursue the adoption, I'm reaching out to you for advice, suggestions, ANYTHING that can help me prepare this child for life in my household, yet will help her maintain her black identity to grow into a confident and well rounded individual...

I do not have a church, but am spiritual. If I were to attempt to take her to join a black congregation, would I be accepted for her sake? Should I take classes on hair care, or would it be better to allow her to go to a salon on a regular basis if only for the experience?

Please be honest, and I welcome any and all comments... even if you feel this is totally wrong for some reason, I welcome those as well.

I know the perception of some is that a white person adopting a black child is only to 'save' that child. Or, to provide them with things that they would never have otherwise.

My motivation is simple, I want to be a mother, and this child needs a mother - I'm not biased or prejudiced, and can provide her with a good life. She is only 4 years old, which is young enough that she may never remember her original family. I don't know the circumstances that brought her into foster care, but I certainly don't want that loss of her family to also equal the loss of her identity as well.

Which is why I'm reaching out to all of you. Please help me to understand what your lives are like, and how I can help her live hers to embrace yours.

[Nappykat]

the only other thing I gotta add is - I still feel the same way about what I said.
But my daughter has a white foster mom, and for the most part she's been a good mom who seems to really love and care for my daughter. This has me rethinking some things. So instead of just letting a black child languish in foster care, after attemps have been made to find black parents of a child - then I guess a loving parent is a loving parent regardless. But I do think attemps should be made by white americans to involve the child in a positive black community whenever possible. I'm not a fervent supporter of the church or the salon but you gotta get in where you can fit in, and a lotta black people tend to hang out there.

[Kris]

Thank you for offering your perspective on this. I realize by your previous post that you were not comfortable with my thoughts on the adoption, because of the general perception that white folks are 'saving' black children as a mission out of charity. That is not my motivation at all. I only want to be a parent to a child that does not have one. The concerns that drove me to reach out to this community message board were purely in the interest of the child, and in the hopes of doing what I can to preserve her heritage and identity for her, because I know that there are needs in her life that I can never truly address, because I am white. That is why I reach out. Not for me. For her. As any good parent, I will do the best I can to raise her right and will give her the best I have to offer.

I'm glad to hear that your daughter is being taken care of, but it saddens me that she's in the foster care system, because it does appear that you are a very caring parent. I certainly hope that you'll have some resolution there, so that she can come home to you. Good luck.

[Nappykat]

QUOTE:
I'm glad to hear that your daughter is being taken care of, but it saddens me that she's in the foster care system, because it does appear that you are a very caring parent.
END QUOTE

Because only bad or lousy mothers/parents have children in the system right?

I'm not trying to be sarcastic or defensive. I know that is the perception of parents who have children in the system. There are voices for the children, for the foster and adoptive parents, but none for the mothers and parents who on the other side of that fence. The perception is that 'we' are drug addicts, alcholics, or did something so egregious those are the only reasons that parents would have children in the system.

Despite that it does happen, and it happens.... well apparently not to the 'best of us' but it happens to far too many us - as is witnessed by the number of (black) children in the system. Maybe I'll be the 'voice' for parents who have children in the system - because there is legislation that is working against the parents, and many other things about the system that works against the parents with children in the system. I'm also a child of the system. All of it is a learning experience for me and I do hope I can put this type of experience into something I can deal on a positive basis and maybe turn it into one of my passionate endeavors.

Anyway, I'm sure you've already started the process of adopting this girl and I wish you much luck and happiness. Social and cultural issues aside - universally all kids need love, care, affection, understanding and the basics like heat, food, shelter, clothing, etc. If you got that and can give that - she should be fine and happy and so should you.