Confused

[Germanie]

Well I am in a current relationship that has its ups and downs. I recently got back in touch with my ex who I was engaged to. He had disappeared for months.and I pretty much called it quits. He contacted me through email and has called. He knows about my situation but the thing is he wants my daughter and I back in his life for good. We did not break up on bad terms but I felt that he was holding out on me about something. The thing that he is holding out on finally came to surface. He is a US Customs Agent which he was afraid of telling me from the start because of the nature of the work. He told me to think back about all the things that we did and how he would have to leave on short notice. When we met he was on assignment then and i did not know it.Well as the story unfolded and everything was adding up I still did not believe what was being said so I asked for physical proof. Then I proceeded to go on the bureau of labor and statistics website to look up the job description and sure enough it said that in the course of their careers they will relocate multiple times and have to leave on short notice at times. Plus he has told me that sometimes he has to go undercover which I did not believe but that checked out as well. The other thing is he wants me and my daughter to move to Phoenix where he is asking to be transferred so the job he has there with DHS will require less undercover work and he would be home on a regular basis. that is a big move for us and I am confused because part of me want to go but the other part says stay with who I am with. I still have questions every time we talk because I wanna know more and why he did not tell me. He says that he is ready to establish his roots somewhere and with me he is tired of living his life with nothing to call home or who to come home to. I look at the fact that my daughter would have the family that she has wanted and myself but I can't just go off of that. He has been good to both of us and so has the current man but he still is dealing with somethings right now but is trying to hold on to me. My family is saying find out more to see if he is telling the truth. What should I do? I am open to honest opinions.

[jasai]

wow. Hold. use your intuition. and don't let fear of loss make you take a false step.

[Mrs Clinkscale]

WOW is right!!! Girl!!!! I can tell there is a lot more to this story. I can identify with a lot of the feelings you are going through right now. It's hard to give advice on how you should handle this situation without knowing the whole story, but based on what you have written, sista to sista, my advice is this...Don't make any moves right now! For you to have been engaged to this man and not know the truth about his occupation raises a HUGE red flag for me! Even if he is telling the truth, there is obviously a trust and communication issue going on here. These two issues destroyed my first marriage. I have learned from that to not settle for less than 100% openess and honesty. The second red flag is the effect on your daughter. (You didn't mention if he is her father, so I'm assuming that he is not - forgive me if I'm wrong) But she is old enough for this to effect her too. Not saying he doesn't care about her, but she is at a very important age. You are considering a HUGE move and you are having doubts yourself as to whether it is the right decision. God gave women intuition as a defense mechanism, we just choose to ignore it...DON'T IGNORE YOUR GUT!! When I contemplated making this move, my son was an important part of the process...we talked and communicated and even visited out here before the move to make sure they could be comfortable out here. That process took over a year. I can honestly say I have no regrets about moving out here and my children are as happy and healthy as they have ever been (even and especially during my marriage). So it CAN work, but what I want to stress to you is that when the time came for us to make that move, I had NO DOUBTS! Question everything and don't hold back. You are considering a life changing event not only for you, but for your daughter too, and you have the right to know EVERYTHING!!! I hope it works out for you and I hope you keep in touch either way! Best of luck!

[NIcole Townsend]

Its so easy for them to ask you to move but you have to consider not only you but your daughter. I dont know what your current situation is but I would take this thing slow so that you go into the relationship with little or no reservations. If it was just you, I would go but with a child its a different story. You need to pray and ask GOD for understanding.