Let Daddy Take the Kids, and you Pay CS

[Nappykat]

I was just wondering, why doesn't more women let the father of the kids take care the children, and you pay him child support?

That's exactly what I want to do, because I get tired of being the 'daily' parent - the daily cooking, cleaning, chores, and all the daily stuff that goes with raising kids. Men know is hard, that why they leave the women to do it.

But I know you can't have it both ways. If you don't want to be the daily parent, then you should pay CS to the parent who has actual physical custody of the kids.

And no, this does not exonerate you from being a parent at all (at least not me). I would still do my kids hair, talk to them, and be an involved parent (you know what I mean - so you have involved fathers but you are the one who actually has the kids).

I know some of the first comments I get with that is 'why would a mother abandon her child?'

Bullshit. Men can be nurturing. Women are not abandoning. It's a new way of thinking and a new way of doing. Why always be traditional? if it can work, use it.

[Jasmine]

I'm not sure what to say to this and I'm just going to give an honest blatant opinion on this matter. The first thing that comes into mind is that Women alone control the when and how they will how children. If a woman is not ready for the enormous responsiblity of motherhood they can choose to terminate teh pregnancy but once they choose to continue teh pregnancy and have that child, the mother is assuming all responsiblities of the child. Sure there are many women who do not have physsical custody of thier children and the main reasons for those are not that she is tired of doing it all but that she is unfit or uncapable of being a good functioning mother to her children.
I am sure being a single mother is very hard, I am one and there are times when I want to jump out my window but you have to remember you asked for this life. If you want more help, consider asking the child's father to be more involved. Women are everyday challenging new stereotypes but you think about how your child will see your request when they grow older. It won't be seen as a mother challenging social norms, it will be seen as the mother who did not want her child.

[Nicholle]

Girl, If I let my kids dad have custody of them, they will grow up to be just like him- a big kid. He is the quintessential Disneyland Dad. When they are with him, it is video games, playing football, eating, sleeping and then repeat.

He used to keep them after school 3-7pm, and was responsible for picking them up from school, feeding them a snack, getting homework done and giving them dinner. Half the time they came home at 7 oclock at night (with an 8pm bedtime) and had not had dinner, and the other half, the homework was incorrect or incomplete. Lets not even talk about if they had an extra curricular activity! They NEVER made it to baseball practice on time, with a glove and water bottle. All three of these items on the baseball practice checklist would not be done simultaneously.

He is a stay at home dad to his new family, and I don't know if that woman knows how he treats their son or not. When I go to drop my boys off with him on weekends, he always sound annoyed with the little one. He speaks to him very sternly and as if he is bothered by this child doing things small children do. I am so happy my boys are old enough to tell me exactly what goes on when they are with him, where they went and who they were with.

No, I would not trust my ex to raise my sons into smart, educated, productive, focused and disciplined young men, because he has not done it for himself since we broke up six years ago. We have a totally different set of standards and expectations for our sons, and I realize this is because of class differences. I was raised middle class, and still identify as middle/upper middle class even though I am a student. He however, was raised middle class, yet became heavily influenced by lower class people and has a poverty mentality. I will NOT subject my sons to that.

Having said that, I think that mature, functional, healthy men can be great fathers, within a marriage, as co parents or as single parents.Key words being functional and healthy- mentally, physically, emotionally and socially. It is a great idea, if the men are willing and capable, and the women are willing to pay child support.

(However, I doubt many women will be willing to do this since on average women's incomes are lower than men's')

[KimSyne]

Nappycat,
Now you know you just opened a can of worms. Most women think that it is the worst thing in the world for a mother to be the non-custodial parent leaving the father as the custodial parent. Unfortunately, most people will assume the mother is a bad person or has some serious problem. Well, I disagree. And if you truly feel this is the best decision for YOU, then go for it.

Women are quick to say, "Girl, I wouldn't do that, I wouldn't do this." When they really don't know what they would do until they've walked in your shoes. Please don't listen to them, do what is best for you. I say this because if it's right for you it will be right for your children.

And you are right, men can be very nurturing and most are more than capable of caring for and raising their children. The main problem in my opinion is woman who think that just because they carried the baby for 9 months that gives them the right to decide or control the way their children are raised and with whom. Just because you can carry a child doesn't make you more capable or responsible than a man. We didn't make the decision for woman to carry the child, God did. If we had been given a choice, how many of us would have elected to be child bearer.

I also wish woman would stop thinking that because they are a woman then they must be the better parent. If given a chance, I think most men would surprise a lot of people. Let's consider the state of publlic schools and our children of today. Many of these children come from homes with one parent and that one parent is usually the woman. I wonder if the two are connected.

Another thing, why would you have a child with a man if you don't think he is capable of raising that child. I think women need to take a step back and allow a man to be a man. Not the man we think he should be but the man he was meant to be.

It is not abandoning, if this is the way you feel, it just the way you feel and that is your right. When I was in the military I met a woman who had given up custody to her ex-husband (who was in the Navy) and she joined the Army. I thought this was the worst thing in the world and wondered what was wrong with her. I did not have children at this time. Well, I got to know her and we became friends. She had three girls at that time (5, 8, and 10). She said that she felt that it was her time and that she had raised them alone because he was always away. Did I agree with that, no. But she was so happy and she talked to her girls all time and they were happy. This was in 1985.

Think things through. You can be a good parent without living with your kids. They will still have your support and love.

Be Blessed,
KimSyne
www.scentahome.com

[Trisha Martin]

Nappykat are you serious about this? If you are, hey, that's just how you feel and that's that. But there is a reason that we carry the kids and ultimately are the sole caregivers. In my OPINION, God equipped us with everything that a child needs. Not saying that a father can't be a good caregiver, but most times, men are FORCED by circumstances to be single caregivers and providers. There's nothing like a mother's love. A father brings something different to the table and sometimes it ain't all good. Not that all mommies are good either, but I'm just speaking from a mommy point of view. Do you think your children's father can raise them better than you, if so, go for it? Perhaps you're going through a faze, it happens. I know I get tired of being the ONLY one dealing with my four, but hey, I wouldn't dare give up my time with them. They all I got, you know? And trust me, it gets better. My oldest is now 21 and the others are 19, 11 and 9 and we have great life without involvement from pappa bear. Hang on in there girl.

[DKO]

We are in this situation and we STILL have problems. My husband has full custody of his son and the mother has visitation on certain weekends. When he is with her all he does is play video games all day and night and decides when he goes to bed (he is only 6) while she sleeps and watches her TV shows. He tells us she doesn't spend quality time with him and she doesn't even talk to him about school or any of his other activities. But she complains she doesn't spend enough time with him. She can barely take care of him with the little time she has. Then she had the nerve to have another one 5 months ago and she shipped that one off to her parents in another state 2 months ago and the baby is not back yet. This is a CLASSIC example of why this situation should apply in particular situations. My husband was doing it ALL by himself before we met (paying child care, keeping him during the week and when she decided she didn't feel like showing up on the weekends, etc...).

[Nailah]

My uncle raised twin sons to be great young men! He of course had the dedication of the family including myself. He took them to the doctors & daycare. He made sure they ate (healthy meals & snacks), were in school, and active. Oh not to mention well traveled(they have a great life). Eventually he found a supporting wife/mother figure who is a partner in parenthood. He had the children from 1 yrs of age til about 12yrs on his own. (And with us too) Cause I love my family. I'm proud of my Uncle! My twin cousins are now Exceptional young men at 18 years of age.

[Nailah]

Quote by Kimsyne: I also wish woman would stop thinking that because they are a woman then they must be the better parent. If given a chance, I think most men would surprise a lot of people. Let's consider the state of publlic schools and our children of today. Many of these children come from homes with one parent and that one parent is usually the woman. I wonder if the two are connected.

Another thing, why would you have a child with a man if you don't think he is capable of raising that child. I think women need to take a step back and allow a man to be a man. Not the man we think he should be but the man he was meant to be.End Quote:
Wow! Powerful Message in there Kimsyne!

[Trula]

I would never do it because I cannot be replaced as their mom. Men cannot be mothers. Men are not women, women are not men, mothers are not fathers, and fathers are not mothers. I know in this 'liberated' age we live in, this may be an old-fashioned way of looking at it, but I'm cool with that.

If it's working for you and your children, stay blessed.

[LindsMom]

Well for me, I feel that I am the more stable parent. I have the home, I own my car, I have the degree and I have the better income and job prospects. I feel that I'm always thinking ahead, seeking more opportunities for greater exposure for educational and cultural activities for our daughter. She's a thriving, rambuntious (is that a word?) 4 year old and I'm excited and love to see her grow every day. I don't see it as a hinderance with me having custody, its a part of who I am even though I could pay the child support if he had custody of her. Some may not agree with me, but it feels natural to me that children be with their mother, not to say their father couldn't be just as responsible. I just wouldn't want to be away from my child.

[LaKeisha Stiff]

I think it takes A REAL WOMEN to do make that decision. I will never understand how a woman feels a man is good enough to lay up with and have a child by, but he's not man enough to raise the kid.

If that's what works best for the parents and the child it makes sense to me. If more women could or would do this it would be a lot less bitter mad at the world people walking around. I don't care what anyone says, mothers need breaks too. Just because we are the ones that bare the children doesn't mean we have to be the ones to bare all of the responsibility.

This is in no way abandoning your child! You can't be an effective parent it you're mentally and physically healthy. My biological father raised my half sisters on his own, and they got all the love and affection they needed. He was still able to raise them to be young ladies. Just like a single woman can still raise her son to be a man. People need to stop discrediting men so much.

[KimSyne]

AMEN, LaKeisha! Well said, and you are so right...It takes A REAL WOMAN.

[Danielle]

^ i completely agree with you. i don't have children, but i keep a child/ren on a daily basis which is why i'm on this site.

i think that if this is what you think would work for you then that's what you should do. obviously, you trust the father to take good care of the children, or you wouldn't be here discussing it. i don't think any of us can pass judgment on any man about raising their children. i come from a large family where there are many single fathers and they do a great job on raising their children, they maintain healthy relationships with their ex's which is the key, i think. most of them are raising girls so all of the women in the family chip in to help them out.

anyway. i don't think this means you're a bad mother at all or incapable or anything like that. i think that mama lakeisha is right... you need a break and there will be times where he will need a break so as long as there is balance i'm sure all will work fine. :) good luck and godwilling all things will work as they should.