A Son Without a Father

[Ebonie]

I am a 27-year-old single mother of 2 young sons ages 2 and 1. My sons have no relationship with they're father because he is in and out of prison and when he's not incarcerated, he spends no time with them. They really dont know him.
My 2-year-old acts out in very bad ways at times by yelling, screaming, and throwing things. He's a very sweet and smart child, but his temper is out of this world! Some people tell me he acts this way because there is no father or father-figure around him. Is that true? And I am also at a lost because I feel like I will not know in the future how to raise 2 young Black males by myself. Some people tell me a man has to raise a man, but I see women everyday that has raised they're son(s) by themselves and they turned out to be very successful men. So is it mandatory that my sons need a father-figure in they're lives?

[akiyah crey]

good evening eboni,my name is akiyah carey,i also am raising two sons,i'm not a single parent but am very familiar with the power of a two year olds temper.my youngest son marcus began to show serious sign of anger right around two years old.his dad was in the home and i was a homemaker,we could'nt figure out what was wrong,as it turned out marcus was hearing imppaired and was having anger because he couldn't communicate.you can absolutely raise successful,happy wonderful men alone.look my kids had two of us and there were still tantrums,and screaming,and all kinds of chaos.children don't have a whole lot of ways to express themselves,so they use what has always worked.also life just gets too big for us sometimes,and when that happens to our children they have meltdowns.and as far as a man raising a man,that may be traditional,and what we are used to accepting as the truth,but we do what we can,the best way we can.children need love,security,and an understanding person who loves them more than anything .i suggest you read 2 books a month about things that interest your boys,i think parenting is an evolving relationship.they are people,just smaller than us ,so find out what they need,and like and go with that.also there are websites that will tell you exactly what stage your child is at and i'm telling you it helps a lot to know that a lot of these behaviors are very normal for the ages of your boys.god bless you and your family .your boys will be wonderful men! oh go to google.com and type in child development stages.then go to ages 0 to 3

[Nappykat]

I am so tired of single moms being blame for everything that is suppose to be wrong with our children.

Your son may be acting out because.... he's a 2 year old! It's what they tend to do.
That's not really about his lack of a father, that's more about parenting skills. I had a to take a parenting class and got some very good advice. Not always easy to implement because it takes time and patience. But if you're willing to do it - you may find some good results.

Try this - If he is having a temper tantrum at home, put him in his room (or any room) and make sure that all the stuff he can throw is put up. You sit on the floor or the couch and mind your business. Read or something. And let him have the tantrum. Do not give in what he wants while he is having the tantrum. Calmly tell him 'you can have (whatever) after you calm down and stop crying/hollering/screaming' and mean it. This could be 5 or 10 minutes, that why it requires patience. Eventually he will calm down. Once he does, call him over to you, hug him, kiss him, and tell him you love him. Then go about your business of whatever. If it happens again, do it again. He'll get the picture.

If it happens in the open, I understand you will have to leave the place. Go and have a seat. Put your arm around him and hold (restrain) him until he calms down or let him tamper it out again. This may be hard because as black parents, we aren't use to doing this. When white parents let their kids holla and scream and look like they aren't doing anything - we think they are not good parents and we often make comment 'if that was my kid, I'd wup his/her azz!'

Just because we are use to something and we 'turned out fine' doesn't mean we can't learn other ways of doing things. We should give it a try and see if it fits.

Do not try to raise 'two young black males.' That's the wrong focus. There really is nothing different between raising girls and raising boys. Keep your focus on raising decent, respectable, intelligent, harmonious, happy, and content children and human beings. Focus on that and your kids will turn out well regardless of gender they are or what color/race they are. As a woman and single mother - you can do this. Don't let people make you think that because you are a woman and a single mother - you are flawed in raising kids (especially boys) because of this. You said yourself you know single moms who have raised successful boys and children. You can too!

As for your baby's daddy - maybe he thinks he has nothing to offer because he's a jailbird with little or no prospects to change his life. He could have insecurity issues thinking that he's not worth being a daddy so it's best just to leave it up to you. I suggest you write a letter - why a letter? Unlike conversation, you can get all your thoughts across without interruption, disruption, or diversion.

Let him know that just because he's in jail, his kids still love him, want to know him, and want contact with him (this I know personally, as I am currently away from own children). Let him know that he can still teach them from behind bars - he can tell them the mistakes he made and why they should be avoided. He can tell them what good things will change their lives - like education and loving parents who can guide you on your path. When he's out, tell him how important it is for him to be there in person to talk to them, hug them, kiss them, and show them some affection. In doing this - he could change and lift up his own self-esteem too. Kids don't care about what you did in the past, how much money you got, what you can or can not do - they want love. They want affection. They want to know that you are there for them. They want you talk to them - either in person or with a letter. He can do this. You may have to show him the way and the how.

Good luck. And I agree with everything Akiyah said.

[Neicy]

I couldn't have said ANY of this better myself. The stuff I was going to say would have came across a ton more judgemental than I was intenting it to. If you follow half of what this person is telling you....you should be on the right track.

[Kyna]

I don't think that a 2 year old having a tantrum has anything to do with the lack of a father or father figure. Now you've said that your children don't have a relationship with their father, and if I am understanding this correctly (and not assuming too much) if they've never had one then how can they miss something that they've never had? That's my opinion of it. I can say this because I am the single mother of 2 children- a 7 year old son and a 4 year old daughter- neither of which know their father. They know his name and how to dial his phone number but everything else is, well everything else. My son had meltdowns and my daughter will still try to have them to this day. As a matter of fact, she's having one RIGHT THIS MINUTE because I am on the computer and she wants to be on the computer-she'll be ok, she has to wait until her turn. With my children, I had to learn to redirect their attention/frustration and explain to them (on a lever they could understand) that no means no, not now means not now, maybe means maybe, bad behavior doesn't get rewarded and if you keep this up then you definitely will not get (whatever it is they wanted at the moment). I use all methods: timeouts, naughty chair, sitting and thinking about bad behavior or their feelings, and the belt. Whatever seemed fit at the time. I'm not bragging but I am complimented all the time on how well behaved my children are in public (got one today from two older white men at the dentist's office...mom we like your style with your children). Patience and consistency were and still are the key for me. You have to do what works best for you and your children. Just remember that they are kids and they won't get it the first six or seven times...but by eight or nine they'll get the picture. As far as trying to reach out to the father and ease his mind about being absent or trying to force communication with them, I have no comment because I don't do that. I keep the same address and telephone number so the line of communication is always open (even for collect calls). But as far as me telling my children about their dad, not gonna happen. They will know him for who he shows them he is, not for what mama said he was. So what I am saying is that meltdowns, in my opinion, have nothing to do with the lack of a father or father figure because sometimes not having one at all beats having a piece of one all of the time (which can sometimes do more harm than good). Contrary to popular opinion, you can raise great men as a single mother. Hell look at President Barack Obama- he is the product of a home headed by a single mother.

[LindsMom]

I loved your comments. You are a practical no-nonsense type of mom that all of us can appreciate and you're doing the right thing by keeping the lines of communication open with your children's father. Staying in the same neighborhood with the same phone numbers gives fathers no excuses for not seeing their kids. I agree that it shouldn't be your job to explain to your children what type of man their father is when he should be doing it. The only approach mothers of sons (or girls) can do is let the children know how much you love them and how much the extended family loves them. It would be inappropriate to speak on behalf of the father if he's not around.

[Tray]

He is doing what 2 years olds do. There are lots of successful men raised by their mothers.

[Joyce]

I can relate See i have a three year old who has about the same temper tantrums (if not worse) My girlfriends have said things like "Black kids don't act like that ... He acts out like a white kid"(How utterly ridiculous) I am always being blamed for his behavior. His father isn't in his life either but that has never come up in a discussion on why he acts out the way he does.

[Bran]

Ebonie, dont "pass the buck". Even if ther father was around you might still complain that he is bad influence anyway because he does not sound very mature. I am a strong believer that kids should be around their fathers but only if the father is a good influence. I am thankful that my kids are being raised in a house with both parents regardless of the relationship between us, and alot of times their dad teaches them things that I wish they had never learned. Ebonie, just do the best that you can and remember OUR HEAVENLY FATHER IS A FATHER TO THE FATHERLESS and that goes for your boys and their daddy! Who told you that crazy stuff about your sons behavior is because his dad aint around, thats BS, my sons are bad when he is there and when he is not. I promise to God, I know what it is like to be a single mother, I havnt always been married and some people say the most ignorant things sometimes. I dont think people know how badly young black mothers single or married are oppressed and are victims of prejudiced inside and outside our own community.

[EducatedDiva, MPA]

I'm also the mom of two sons (10 & 3). The first thing to know is that you will never be able to turn a male into a man; this is in regards to both the father and your sons. I've never been stuck on "well, if my boys don't have a dad, they won't grow into men." Yes, it is imperative that you surround them with positive male role models: men who will talk to them about wet dreams, teach them to tie a tie, explain to them how to treat a woman. . . but that may not necessarily be a father figure. There are great examples in books (Dr. Ben Carson, The Three Doctors), onscreen (Will Smith, T.D. Jakes), and in everyday life (the coach, the teacher, the troupe leader, the youth minister, the neighbor). Your best gift to them is being the best mom you can be. Your next best gift is seeking out those natural male supports who will support the standards you set for your children. I wish you the best. . . and as for the 2 year old, I agree with the other mom who said, your 2 year old is probably just 2!!! Don't sweat the small stuff! Two year olds are frustrating, demanding and sometimes down right annoying, but they're just little people trying to figure out this world. Hold on, before you know it you'll have a kindergartener!

[LindsMom]

EducatedDiva is so right. What are women supposed to do just because their raising black children (girls included) by themselves? There's almost this assumption that black males without fathers in the home are headed to penitintery just because their being cared for by their mother.It really angers me how society feels the need to label our kids and it just adds mental stress to mothers who want the best for their kids. Its well documented that children (in your case your son's) are not necessarily disadvantaged just because their Dad isn't around. The more educated the mother, the more likely children will be fine and on track just like the kids who have Dad living with them.

I'm not advocating single parenthood, but stop second guessing yourself and raise your boys the best way you know how. Of course there are financial strains with being a single parent, but again the more educated the mother, the more employment options she will have. To bring this back to your original concern though, just make sure they have a balanced view of black men by involving them with extended family outings that include uncles, grandpa's, ect. Also as they get older (and with your supervision) involve them in sports and other activities that boys like. If you're doing the best you can, that's all that anyone can expect from you. Your kids are still very young, don't worry yourself too much at this point. The issues you talk about are developmentally on target for a two year old and his "tantrums" are very normal. Just love and nuture your children, its way to early to worry yourself.

[Royale Williams]

Ebonie,

I am also a young single mom rasing two sons. Their ages are 7 and 5.My oldest son's farther is not involved at all. My youngest sons farther is, but he lives two hours away from us. So we see him once a month.I totally understand what you are going through. I believe what has helped me in raising my sons is the power of pryer,love and encouragemnet of the child . I am constantly giving positive feedback to them. I also tell them about their dads and have their dads pictures up in their bedrooms. The behavior can be a sign that your son has resentment that his dad is not there or it could be the terrible two faze.Kids throw tantrums no matter who's in the house.I've said things to my boys like Oh ,mommy loves you too, when their acting out.( Reverse Psycology).
The tantrums are normal adolesent behavior.Start setting rules and boundaries.By this I mean let him know what you will and will not tolerate from his behavior.

[Katherine Hayes]

Hello Ebonie,

My name is Katherine Hayes, and I am also a single parent raising a 3-year old boy. I definitely understand what you're going through because I'm in the same boat. I have a son who is without a father. However, the difference between you and I is that the father of my son does not acknowledge paternity. He's one of those type of fathers. My answer to your question is that it's NOT mandatory that your sons have a father-figure, but it would really help. I also want to point out that there are several families that have both parents, but still struggle with behavioral issues with their children due to issues in their relationship.Children learn what they see going on in the household. If they witness domestic violence, infidelity, and other forms of instabilities, there could be a possible chance that they are going to have the same issues, or similar one. But just remember, this is more on an individualized basis. Everyone is different. Your son could very well grow up to the be the sweetest person in the world. This is just my own personal opinion. Keep your head up and stay strong, my beautiful black sister. You are still in God's hands and everything is going to work out for the best and none of your efforts will be in vain. Please add me as a friend and stay in touch. I talk to you later.