Being Independent + Accomplished = Driving Our Men Away?

[Najah H.]

Hi ladies,
I wanted to add a discussion that I've been struggling with for I guess my entire dating life! Now, I'm an expectant Mom with my man of two years. Overall, the relationship is good, he's a good man with faith, values, religion, vision and a committment to family. But, we often stumble over "control issues" where he feels I try to control situations. That I often want to act on my own or do things without his input or consideration. I'll admit - sometimes that's the case however I didn't see it as an insult to him. His opinion is that it's disrespectful to not seek him first, go to him and trust in him to make the right decisions. I've been used to doing things on my own and I don't completely look to him to do the things I've already achieved so maybe that's my flaw. I get frustrated that I have to be checking in and can't move on my own even if it benefits us! This article sums it up nicely: http://www.urbanchristianz.com/Independent.html

Any thoughts and have you experienced this in your relationships?

[Bran]

'Mornin',
Yes, I have experienced this in my relationship. My husband often says I have to have everything my way. However, I don't feel like things just have to be "my way." It just so happens that there is a right and a wrong way to do things and the right way just happens to be "my way"(LOL). My supervisor told me something very funny , "When at first you don't succeed, try again but this time do it the way your wife told you to at first!" But seriously ladies, sometimes us ladies can be controlling because it makes us feel secure in our lives. Sometimes we don't save enough "room" for the man to be a man. When a man is happy and secure in hisself, his whole family is happy. But when he is not, things begin to have a "trickle down" effect. We began feeling insecure about somethings and then we look to the men to make us magically feel better. When and if they don't make us feel more secure, then that "mode" kicks in, you know that survival mode instinct that makes you excellent at everything you say and do (except for at home). That attitude might make you feel like you are on top of everything but it breeds more insecurity in our men. Those first initial instincts or fear of loosing control that you thrive off of to succeed everyday are sometimes caused by subconcious insecurity, then in turn it makes the man feel insecure because he is thinking, "She don't need me, she is her own man". Remember Negativity breeds negativity and insecurity breeds insecurity as well.

[Nappykat]

IMO the only thing driving men away.... are the invidual women they choose to talk too.

And if she's smart, she might need to be 'driven away' because he may not be the man for her or her for him.

[Mrs. Hall]

When my husband met me he said that the main thing that turned him on about me was the fact I was very independent. I had a 2 year old son that I was basically raising on my own I was taking care of business. When we got serious with each other I had to learn that it was a WE thing and not a ME thing. It's not "checking in" it's informing him of what is going on and keeping him on the same page as you are. A man needs to feel needed and wanted but if we do everything ourselves what is the man's job in the relationship? Trust me it’s a learning process. I'm not saying lay down and let him control everything I’m saying allow him to walk beside you and not behind you. If your man is asking you to be a little more considerate then you might want to take that into consideration. If he is doing what he is suppose to do with taking care of the family, taking care of you and helping to provide for you all then let him be the "man" of the house. Be happy that you have a man that wants to be home taking care of business. By all means don't lose who you are, we are strong for a reason. But if he isn't meeting your level of expectations with handling business then that's a conversation you two really need to have.
Best of luck..

[Ms. Mines]

I have this same problem. I am a single mother of a 12 year old daughter. I have raised her on my own for the entire time. I went through a time in relationships where I let me control me and typically all that ever did was leave me heart broken and finanically devastated. Over the last 5 years or so I have absolutely refused to let that happen again and have found that men are quite intimidated by my independence and by how I strive to better myself. I've thought for the last few years that I won't get to know what it's like to be in a real relationship because it seems to me that in order to have a man you do have to put him first whether he's right or not and I just can't see myself doing that. So I'll have education and I'll have financial security but no one to share it with because I won't compromise who I am to make some man feel better about himself. If the desicion your man wants to make will hurt your family finanically I say stick to what you know is best.

[Najah H.]

Thanks for the replies ladies. I see there are many sides to this topic that are all valid. I had lunch with a girlfriend who's a single Mom and she is in the same boat where she's been doing it on her own. To Ms. Mines - I can understand your comment because my mother was left financially devastated by her last husband. He had grand ideas and plans, but they never amounted to anything. That type of future is not one I plan to have and have done everything to ensure it won't. My man that I love, says to trust him but letting go or submitting is my toughest challenge to date.

[California Leo]

The problem I have with men who claim to be good, have great values, be religious and committed to family in these situations is that if he were truly all of those things, he would not be fornicating with you for years and years, and he would have been walking you down the aisle THE SECOND you got pregnant with his child.

There is an inherent contradiction here that I find most confusing. And its not just about your dude, I've heard this same conversation from or about men over a thousand times and it never makes sense to me. I don't understand why they would even expect A SINGLE WOMAN to treat him like a husband with deference and respect when he has chosen not to put himself in such a role of responsibility. See, they want the BENEFITS of being a husband - the sex, the love, the family, the devotion and the woman's acquiescence - while he maintains his absolute and total freedom.

No, no, no. There is nothing at all wrong with you, and he needs to understand that. There is a huge difference between a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and that of a God-blessed husband and wife. He cannot take the rules of one and try to apply it only when it is convenient to him. You take the whole package, or you get whatever your woman gives you and you be happy.


Deborrah Cooper
Author, Sucka Free Love! How to Avoid Dating The Dumb, The Deceitful,
The Dastardly, The Dysfunctional or The Deranged!
www.suckafreelove.com

[Kim Crouch]

I think California Leo hit this right on the head and I want to say AMEN!

I've heard this from many of my friends as well but I really do think it's an excuse for men as to why you should let them control. Good relationships don't require one person step aside to benefit the other or that another person bows down before they move forward. i do think that good relationships are ones where the partners naturally want to seek the other's opinions.

[Tracy]

I agree with you as well as C.Leo. A husband and wife should "balance" one another. I was married for a lonnnngggg time and we never had "control" issues. I was stronger in handling household issues, and he was a very very good provider. He respected how I was raising the kids, and I was the same with him, even tho' our tactics were totally different. He knew when he met me that I was a "individualist" sort of speak. If something needed to be done, and I asked him and he procrastinated, then I wasn't going to ask again. I would either do it myself or pay someone to do the job, but it wasn't going to be a argument or a debate, I was just going to take control over the matter because it needed to be done, or needed to have been said. He never had a problem with it, he trusted me enough to know that I was taking over for the good of our family and not for selfish reasons.

[adiaha]

HOLLA! California Leo, I have never heard truer words!