Hurt Sad and Alone

[TK]

I'm 5 months pregnant with a baby boy. I live in the Maryland area, I'm 31 years old and this is my first child. I'm not married to the father of my child but we live together. He is so unsupportive. We both had been having problems before, but the last 5 weeks have been great. For Mother's Day he spoiled me, we had a nice long weekend in Atlantic City in a beautiful suite. On this past Thursday I want to show him I love him and I appreciate him. I decided to go to Whole Foods and buy Nectars, Apples & Peaches to make him a nice desert. He works 2 pm - 10pm and gets home around 11:15pm. I ran a nice warm bubble bath for the 2 of us, baked the fruit with pecans on top and whip crème. I lit about 4 candles, showered curled my hair and put on a cute little teddy. Prior to all this I called him at 7pm to let him know I have something special for him when he arrived home. I woke up at 1:45am he still wasn't home. I called him and there were a lot of men screaming in the background. He said he was playing poker. And he is sorry and he will leave now. Of course the water is cold so I ran new water for him. I fell asleep again when I woke up he was coming in at 5:47 am. I was so hurt, so mad and this is not the first time he has done this to me. But this is the 4th time. Later in the day he went on to say he's not happy with me I make him mad and I'm lazy I have no ambition. Granted I had a job that paid me 60k I lost that job. And Now I work someone else (bank) I only make 28k. He's so mean to me. I feel so alone and sad. Now Friday he's being mean stayed out playing poker until 3am then Saturday he stayed out playing poker until 9pm then when he finally came home he played poker on his computer. I worked up this morning having pains in my arms legs and feet. I broke down I hurt so bad and my heart hurt also. I went into the guest bathroom and had a mental breakdown. I cried so hard for so long I couldn't stop myself. I tried I did but I could not stop crying. He heard me screaming and crying not once did he come to check on me. Now its 1:39am on Monday morning and his friends have been in our house since 3pm Sunday and its 1:39 the next day playing poker. I have no family here and I do not have money to get a hotel. My heartache so bad. He's so mean to me. I have 2 Pomeranians (dogs) my tow dogs had a puppy last year. I could have sold the dog but he fell in love with the dog so I said this is your B-day gift. Later the dog was nerve wrecking I could not train him. I had an older lady that lost he husband that wanted the dog. He said no I want the dog. Then 2 months later he said lets give the dog away I found another older lady that wanted the dog he said noooooo I want him I will try to train him. Now I'm pregnant tired a lot I do not walk the dogs I let them in the back yard to crap. He yelled at me and said you need to walk them dogs it smells like shit back there. I said well could you help me pick it up. He said no those are your dogs. I told him I have 2 dogs and my 2 are trained I can take them to the doggy park but yours is a hassle to put on a leash. He just looked at me and said nothing. He complains Thursday about the kitchen floors I got on my hands and knees and mops the floor by hand scrubbing. I'm so tired you guys have no idea. I'm so tired and I'm really alone. I can't stop crying.

[Kiri Love]

You're pregnant, and working. He should be doing more chores not less. He's acting crazy to drive you away, and to get out of the hands-on responsiblity. My daughter's father flipped when I was almost 8 months pregnant. It's the behavior of a coward. Wait there's more....

I'll be back.

[TK]

Girl it's so hard. I'm so scared. I'll be waiting to read more....

[Nicholle]

Hi Tremescia,

Sounds like you're really going through some tough times. The first thing I would suggest is that you look out for your health and safety. You basically have four months to get situated and prepared for the baby.

Apparently, the baby's father is not going to be cooperative, as evidence by his current behavior, so you have to focus on your plans for parenting,whether or not he chooses to get himself together or not. Do your part to keep lines of communication open, but do not try to force him or change his behavior. He has to make the decision to step up and be a father.

His behavior shows that he is having a hard time dealing with the new news, and is basically trying to avoid things. His claims that you are lazy and all of his other complaints are just a reflection that HE is miserable, and its up to him to find out what makes him happy, not you.

Work on building your savings, determining how you are going to provide child care if/when you go back to work, and getting back to your goals and life plans, do things that make you happy. Even if you do not have family in the area, you can still call on your family and friends for emotional support during this time. As long as they see you are doing your best to stay positive and focused, they will be able to help you stay encouraged.

Check out the pages, blogs and videos on this site. There are a lot of women who give great advice and have lots of life experience for you to draw from.

Believe it or not, things will not ALWAYS be this way. They will get better. If you have insurance at your job, you may even want to enlist the help of a counselor or therapist to help you get prepared for motherhood, and the changes in your life that you are about to undergo. Just remember, everything will work out. Maybe not the way you imagined, but they will work out. Finally, I am going to give you the advice I got when I had my first child. You are still you, just with a baby. Be true to yourself and do what you know to be right.

Good luck!

[Nappykat]

Yeah, what Nicholle said.

And I say MOVE THE HELL OUT!!

Let him deal with stuff on his own.

That's just some negative energy that you don't need in your life right now - because even if you do what Nicholle said, he still gonna be there talking his sh*t and trying to make you feel miserable.

You need to forget about him and concentrate on you. If you can't move out, then IGNORE him and do whatever it is that you do. Clean the kitchen you when you wanna clean the kitchen, not when he says so. Whatever he complains about, tell him to do it his dam self or it will stay like that until you decide when you're gonna do it. Put them dogs outside and let 'em run and poop. If he gotta problem with that, tell him he need to take care of the dogs if he thinks you ain't taking care of them properly. Tell him that since he thinks you are lazy, then he needs to see what real laziness looks likes and he can do everydam thing for himself that he is complaining about.

That's gonna be hard for you I know. You seem like a people pleaser, and you seem to definitely believe in either 'pleasing your man' or 'submitting' to your man - which is why you in pain right now. And a lotta people complain about stuff but they don't wanna change it because they are complacent. It's what they know and they fear change. Maybe that's you too. So change it, or live it and leave it.

That pain in your arms and legs is a physical manifestation of the emotional and mental burden that you are carrying - hurt, pain, emotional void and not having you or your emotions nurtured. You can't rely on the outside (i.e., your man or your fam) to help you with that. That change and cure for that comes from within and starts with you.

So what I wanna know, why are you afraid of displeasing him but you are not afraid of displeasing yourself? Contrary to popular belief, put YOURSELF before everybody, including your child and your husband. When you are happy, your happiness will spread and everybody will be happy too. You gonna stay miserable if you trying to please everybody else for the sake of their happiness and forsaking your own. So which and what kind of energy do you want to exude? Make a decision, and start thinking like a confident and powerful woman that you are.

[Jocelyn Riley]

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through so much. Pregnancy is supposed to be some of the best times in our lives, and you should not be letting anyone bring you down.

Try to communicate with him how you've been feeling, calm & cool, without being overbearing or emotional. And if he still doesn't hear you, leave him alone. You shouldn't be stressing. He may just need some time to adjust to the idea of becoming a father, or he may just be a jerk. Either way you need to let HIM figure it out.

Instead, focus on yourself, your health, and your unborn child. You'll find all the love you need & more in your baby boy. Take some pregnancy classes, get a massage, connect with friends, whatever you need to do to reset your focus, DO IT!

You're gonna need all the positive energy you can muster up to get you through your last few months & help you make the transition into motherhood. Its the most beautiful thing, as women, we can endure & you should be enjoying every precious moment!

[akspeede]

Tremescia,

I am so sorry you are going thru this. Your baby's father is not prepared emotionally to accept this wonderful new baby into this world. Wow I know this is hard. I can say from experience that it will take an act of GOD to make this brother change. It sounds as if he is trying to run you off. (I am not trying to be cruel by saying this). My daughters father tried the same thing shortly after she was born. This fool gave me problems shortly after I got pregnant and then proceeded to step up his crap, harrassing behavior, mentally and emtionally abusive behavior after my daughter was born. In order to prevent either me or him going to jail. I moved the hell out. This is year number two with out my PIA. He was not ready to be a father let alone a husband. No one taught this brother what it means to be a man. His mother handicapped him. The only family I had in the area was an unreliable, aunt and she only helped me when it was to her benefit.

Please take my advice. calm down, and get through this pregnancy. See if you can take it one day at a time and mourn this relationship you have with him. Because, its going to take an act of God to have him change. If you are a praying sistah say a prayer ask God for strength to get you to the other side and feel the joy of being pregnant and a New Mom. (due to my daughters fathers crap, I let him rob me of enjoying my pregnancy and the 1st year of my daughters life.) He put me through hell. If you have family that you are close with contact them, don't be afraid to do so, whether you are afraid that they will say I told you so or make comments about your life, know that it will be ok. You will need to count on someone for support. If it means you moving to another state to raise your son, consider it, I had to stay where I am and in hind site I should have moved closer to the family I love and would have supported me. This may sound silly but when you think things through and get calm ( emotions run wild when your pregnant and at least a year after you give birth). Make a list of what you will need from family.. like emotional support, help babysitting, food, clothing and shelter. See who is reliable and who could assist in an emergency. Reach out to them and see if they will support you. Please prepare in advance.

Remember you have to take time and keep yourself emotionally and physically healthy for you and your new son.

[Single Mama Diva]

I feel your pain. Although my ex husband was not mean per say, he was very inconsiderate during my first pregnacy. He stayed out so much that I went into labor alone and my sister and brother-inlaw had to take me to the hospital. I cried the whole time I was with child. I will tell you that your emotional pain is toxic to your unborn child. Since he seems to have anger issues see if you can move out. If you can not move out try a few things while you are there:

Let go of your expectations for him to love you
Disconnect as much as possible from him emotionally and reserve your energy for the nourishment of your baby
Create a small space called your "santuary"
When he is around, do NOT solict attention from him. Go in your "santuary" if you can
Stay consistantly connected with someone positive that can help you

Nicholle is right!

Make sure you put something away now so you won't need him. He sounds like he has some serious emotional issues that you CAN NOT love away. I will not tell you to stop crying, because I know what it feels like to be hijacked by your hormones, but do not continue to go to him for love, because he doesn't sound capable.

When you have this baby you will be able to get your self back and think a whole lot clearer.

As Nicholle said, "it will not always be this way". Me and my ex husband are very good friends today and although I remember the pain, the sting in GONE. However, hearning your pain kinda brings it back.

Breathe,

Candi

[TK]

I love this site. Girl i've taken you advice along with Nicole and I tell you I'm getting better. I'm felling better. And I tune his ass out now, he's saying oh you have someone else I just look and laugh. And actually I ran into a few old friends and a ex that I left for him. And he was so amaze how pretty I am( He says) LOL although I am LMAO! And it's funny he will want to do right but it will be too late for us. I look at things different even the grass looks different the trees look different. I can breathe a little more now! Thank you!

[Nicholle]

Hey Tremescia,

I'm glad we were all able to offer you some useful advice.

We hadn't heard from you, and I was beginning to wonder if you were OK.

Good to hear that things are going better. Just keep on moving forward and don't let him fool you or force you into doing anything other than what you have already made your mind up to do.

Keep the idea of a healthy future for you and your baby first and foremost in your mind- and go for it!

Nicholle

[Nikki J]

Yes. Yes. Yes. Where was this site when I needed it?! Candi, this is great advice.

[Pamela Council]

I know how It feels to have someone you love mistreat you. Girl you deserve better. First thing you need to do is take your power back. When we as women love we give up all our power and become so emotional tied to a man we can not fuction or think rational. Pray get your self together for the life you are bringing into the world. Once you take back your power you can take care of yourself and prepare for your baby.

[California Leo]

In situations such as yours there are resources for you. Check with a local shelter for battered women. You may be allowed to stay there getting support and encouragement and guidance for at least a month, while you rest and plan what you are going to do with your life. They can help you with household items, free things for your baby, and with finding a place to live. Sadly, these types of stories are VERY typical from immature, selfish men. All this emotional upset is going to affect your baby, so you need to get yourself AND THE BABY out of this very toxic situation as quickly as possible. Pregnant mothers need peace, calm, rest, and solid nutrition. You won't be able to keep the two dogs in a shelter or even in most apartments, but you can't worry about that. You must focus on the baby and its needs, not on the dogs.

I know for a fact that men show their love in action and their distaste with words. You are getting a good dose of both and most times the negative behavior only escalates as the pregnancy advances. Please start taking control of your life and putting yourself in a place where you can be comfortable and happy.