Hurt Sad and Alone

[TK]

I'm 5 months pregnant with a baby boy. I live in the Maryland area, I'm 31 years old and this is my first child. I'm not married to the father of my child but we live together. He is so unsupportive. We both had been having problems before, but the last 5 weeks have been great. For Mother's Day he spoiled me, we had a nice long weekend in Atlantic City in a beautiful suite. On this past Thursday I want to show him I love him and I appreciate him. I decided to go to Whole Foods and buy Nectars, Apples & Peaches to make him a nice desert. He works 2 pm - 10pm and gets home around 11:15pm. I ran a nice warm bubble bath for the 2 of us, baked the fruit with pecans on top and whip crème. I lit about 4 candles, showered curled my hair and put on a cute little teddy. Prior to all this I called him at 7pm to let him know I have something special for him when he arrived home. I woke up at 1:45am he still wasn't home. I called him and there were a lot of men screaming in the background. He said he was playing poker. And he is sorry and he will leave now. Of course the water is cold so I ran new water for him. I fell asleep again when I woke up he was coming in at 5:47 am. I was so hurt, so mad and this is not the first time he has done this to me. But this is the 4th time. Later in the day he went on to say he's not happy with me I make him mad and I'm lazy I have no ambition. Granted I had a job that paid me 60k I lost that job. And Now I work someone else (bank) I only make 28k. He's so mean to me. I feel so alone and sad. Now Friday he's being mean stayed out playing poker until 3am then Saturday he stayed out playing poker until 9pm then when he finally came home he played poker on his computer. I worked up this morning having pains in my arms legs and feet. I broke down I hurt so bad and my heart hurt also. I went into the guest bathroom and had a mental breakdown. I cried so hard for so long I couldn't stop myself. I tried I did but I could not stop crying. He heard me screaming and crying not once did he come to check on me. Now its 1:39am on Monday morning and his friends have been in our house since 3pm Sunday and its 1:39 the next day playing poker. I have no family here and I do not have money to get a hotel. My heartache so bad. He's so mean to me. I have 2 Pomeranians (dogs) my tow dogs had a puppy last year. I could have sold the dog but he fell in love with the dog so I said this is your B-day gift. Later the dog was nerve wrecking I could not train him. I had an older lady that lost he husband that wanted the dog. He said no I want the dog. Then 2 months later he said lets give the dog away I found another older lady that wanted the dog he said noooooo I want him I will try to train him. Now I'm pregnant tired a lot I do not walk the dogs I let them in the back yard to crap. He yelled at me and said you need to walk them dogs it smells like shit back there. I said well could you help me pick it up. He said no those are your dogs. I told him I have 2 dogs and my 2 are trained I can take them to the doggy park but yours is a hassle to put on a leash. He just looked at me and said nothing. He complains Thursday about the kitchen floors I got on my hands and knees and mops the floor by hand scrubbing. I'm so tired you guys have no idea. I'm so tired and I'm really alone. I can't stop crying.

[Kim Crouch]

TK,

I can't say things any better than what Nicholle and some of the other shave said. I w ould just say you need to empower yourself before the baby comes. one thing to consider that I don't think is mentioned is that you're having a boy. I spend a lot of time going around the country talking to mothers with sons and it's so important that you make sure your son is born into a good stable environment: one where he sees a man treat a woman like the queen she is. i would ask you to consider whether this is the type of behavior you want your son to see and to emulate. If not, start thinking of your plan and work your plan.

[Mary Jay]

I am soo happy you posted this thread. I was in your situation when i got pregnant and didn't have the courage to leave until my baby was 3 months old. My pregnancy should have been a lot better. I feel like i am going through the same thing in my current relationship, but just not pregnant. We live in a small town and I've seen him once in the last month and a half. (that was just a booty call) Its like one minute I was the best and he loved me, but now he could care less but won't let me go. You have deffinitely encouraged me to make some decisions in my life,

[TK]

maybe we can chat sometimes

[Nikki J]

As soon as you become pregnant, you are dependent. I can relate to this sweetie. I was 21 when I got pregnant the first time and 22 the second. Same jerk. It seemed like the world hated me. I was asked why I had 2 kids and treated like a failure to society. He on the other hand never felt what I was feeling, never hurt what I was hurting. Why? Because he doesn't HAVE too. That is why they made child support a financial issue. You simply cannot legislate emotion. I was unmarried and in school with very low self esteem. My kids bio dad treated me like a queen while he spent my money and drove my car. He was incredibly smart and HIGHLY MANIPULATIVE. I was incredibly naive. I figured that he would naturally want to stay with me. I was trying my damnedest to be his everything. He would leave for weeks at a time, leaving me pregnant with doors that did not lock and no food in the house. When I complained he said I whined and worried about everything. He hung out with gay men to the point that I got an HIV test. I dropped out of school and moved to another state where I was registered as homeless. I could not find child care or work. I had no family. I was alone and I was a new mother. But, It can't rain all the time. Your tears won't fall forever. This will be the trial of your life. Women pay higher prices for sex, so prepare yourself and be strong. As much we think we are equals, men will never pay how we pay. You have to accept that first. I did. Its been 8 years and my life is better than ever. My kids ROCK and I love being a mommy. This guy had me thinking I was worthless, society concurred. It was all up to me, so I hustled. I hated men for a long time but I hustled.
I have a wonderful man in my life now. He is just about perfect. He works hard and loves my kids. We travel and my kids have a 2 parent household. Sure he gets on my nerves, leaving his clothes on the floor, telling me to get him a beer and than rephrasing it to a request after I eyeball him, etc...but these are things I can live with. But I had to completely shed the old life in order to gain this new one.

No, it's not fair, and it never will be. Maybe you can rest in knowing that women suffer for long periods but have love and children at their side when they become elderly. Men often opt to party and have fun all their lives, take advantage of the 'weak' until they are old and frail hiding from fatherless hoodlums that prowl the streets. All they can hope for is a nurse with warm hands. So take this pain and turn it into gain. Don't shortchange yourself again. You are a mother and that is a huge, unpaid task. It's the free work you will do before you can even consider working for pay. Take care of yourself and your baby. You may not get it back financially, but it will all come full circle for you. You will be repaid in ways that you can't even imagine. Be strong, don't beat yourself and see to it that this dark period is temporary.

[Josina Miles]

Hi Nikki J,
My father gives me the weirdest advice when it comes to men. I don't know if its smart or I should ignore it. However, he tells me to stay single. He had discouraged me from getting married to my husband and said that I can have babies, but don't get married. I should have listened. I will never get married again to anyone ever again. I have one child and 1 on the way, and I am so happy about my children, but the men I think are disposable. Do I sound jaded?

[Kim Crouch]

I don't know if this sounds jaded as a lot of people feel this way nowadays. I am still a firm believer that the best household for a child is a 2 parent household where the mother and father are committed to each other. I always want to see marriage as ideal option for sustaining black families. However, this doesn't mean you should marry just anyone but I also don't think you should just have kids by anyone either.

[Nikki J]

Hi Josina :)

Give yourself some time. Do not let the bad men define the good ones. Don't put a wall up now that could prevent yourself from being happy in the future. I have a life I could have never dreamed of today. But I had to go through the fire. Man that journey was ugly. I was broke, skinny, hungry with dry hair and ashy tear streaks on my face.

Consider reading Women Who Run With The Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes Ph.D. Reclaim your power and self esteem and an appropriate and suitor will arrive. Do not become bitter or prove that you can do it on your own. That is self destructive. Men are not the enemy. I have a loving fiance, a beautiful life etc, but I never would have gotten here if I had never wondered what the root problem was and worked to change it.

If you have a boy, you do not want to give him the idea that he is disposable. You also don't want to manipulate him out of his strengths. It is so important that we learn that men and women are like yin and yang. When we work together it is a perfect union.

Jaded is good for a little while. It opens your eyes! Love, pray, forgive, and move on. It took me nearly 10 years to complete that task. GET THAT BOOK! Read other womens stories from AROUND THE WORLD. Women who suffer without resources worldwide. You are surrounded by resources that they will never know exist. Endure for them. I kept a photo of an afghani woman and child as a reminder of what obstacles I do NOT have...

[Josina Miles]

Hi TK,
I am new here. However, I feel your pain. Its very difficult living with someone in general and compounded by the fact that you're pregnant, making less money than you did before and having someone in your face acting superior and neglectful. This sounds like a classic case of taking someone for granted. Men seem to think that once they knock you up, they have you and the work ends there for keeping the relationship alive and healthy. You mention that he plays poker a lot, it seems. Do you think that he may have an addiction to poker? This is as addictive as drugs. I was married (well still married but separated) to an alcoholic, who is also the father of my 4 year old daughter. I was constantly disappointed by him choosing alcohol over us and never made me feel appreciated or wanted. He never came home after work, always would go to the bar and never spent anytime with his daughter. I left him before she turned 2. I know he loves us to this day and he hasn't been able to move on in all these years, but I was being tortured living with him. Is it possible for you to sit down with him and talk to him calmly about how you feel? This must be such a stressful time for you and with your body going through all these hormonal swings, its difficult to stay sane. If you two want to be together, you should try to take the focus off the relationship for a while and focus on you and the baby. Go out and do other things to take your mind off of him and relax you. Try yoga or exercise.

[TK]

Girl relationship PLEASE LOVE has turned to HATE. I'm angry, sad, bitter and you want to hear something F*** up? When I heard about Steve McNair I said he got what he deserve. I've been on the both ends cheated and being cheated on and it's never good. He cheated on his wife F***ing dog so I do not feel sorry for him. And this bastard I live with he has no idea my plans are to leave, once I deliver my son I'm moving out of state with no warning when he come home I will be gone. This bastard told me he will never mess up my life, he'll marry me, he'll love me. I fucking hate him! I found out about a girl he was seeing HURTFUL but what can I do? SHIT nothing NADA ZIP but cry. Sorry cry and continue to hurt and hope it will all go away soon.

[Kimberley]

First I want you to know that you can get out of this bad situation and be happier. I feel for you, and I see you free from this man and able to love your child in a healthy home.

But you have to believe that you can do better alone. Please make some strides today to get out of there so you can take care of your health and the health of your unborn child. Go back home to loving family and you will begin to see things more clearly.

Do not continue to give yourself away, because you now are living for two. You would not want to bring a beautiful new soul into this unloving home. You can get outta there. Please let me know how you are doing by posting updates.

[Kimberley]

Ria:

You have such a story to tell. Keep the spirit about you and never let that happen to you and your children again. The thought that another person could take us through such hell is maddening and we have to take back our power.

[Lea]

I have been through this exact situation. I got out of it and yes the emotions ran high for my little girls dad. Sooner than later is the key. This is not a marriage and u r worth so much more. If u have the income to make it. Move when the lease is up file child support and don't look back.Don't worry about who he should be think about the Man he is now. Make sure to wear protection you don't want him to bring more than a bad attitude.

Now that I am single and not dealing with the stress of a wayward Manchild. Life is so much easier and dating has really been great for me. You may not want to think about that now but a lifetime with the wrong partner husband is not worth it.