I want to leave but want to stay for my baby

[jasmine]

I am 20 years old and I have a 11 month old babygirl (she will be one in two weeks...she grew too fast lol) and she is the love of my life. However, I had her at 19 years old and I was in college. I had a big struggle about whether or not I was going to keep her, but in the end I did what my heart told me told me to do and I decided to keep her. Since that decision I have been through alot. I had to live in a group home/homeless shelter for a year because my mother wouldn't allow me to stay with her since I was pregnant. I also had to drop out of school and quit my job because I had no one to watch my baby nor did I have the funds for daycare. Her father is in her life but we've had our ups and downs also. He is a good father to her and he loves me but sometimes I think it is control more than love. We've been on and off for 2 years plus. And there has been some verbal, mental and physical abuse. He wanted me to marry him our first year together but I felt I wasnt ready so I told him no. Well now he is about to join the military and wants to marry me again and wants me and my daughter to pack up and move with him. Right now I am staying in an apartment funded by the group home I stayed in but I have to have a job to keep staying here and if I don't have a job with in a certain time they are going to kick me out. I did find a job but I do not have anyone to keep my child so I couldnt take the job. I don't think marriage with him will work out and I am scared to leave and go to another state or country with him by myself.

I really want to believe that I love him and I do. However I am not "in love" with him. The reason I know this because whenever we are intimate with each other, afterwards I feel wrong and dirty when usually I would cuddle with him. I want us to have a healthy relationship as far as with my daughter but I think if I break it off with him he will no longer come around to see his daughter anymore. I want to tell him its over but I have no one else supporting me and my child financially but him. I am confused and scared. What should I do?

[Nappykat]

You got pregnant at 19 and your momma put you out? I would never advocate putting out a pregnant child but you were a grown woman! Well.... technically anyway. Maybe that's 'tough love' so you can get your act together but 'tough love' is sooo.... misused by a lotta of people. We tell girls to keep their legs closed and not be with a boy and expect that to work and not understand how they wind up pregnant with that bit of ignorant information alone - and then we wanna practice 'tough love' by putting them out. That's not 'tough love' to me. That's just says we are pissed off and reacting instead of being pro-active.

Anyways, probably neither here nor there so on to your dilemma. I think it's a wise choice not to marry and pick up and move with him before or after he joins the military. You already said there is some verbal, mental, and physical abuse -that doesn't necessarily subside with marriage and a move. But you said he's a good father (as long as this abuse was not to your baby or in front of your baby I hope) so keep him in your baby's life at least. Allow access and allow him financial care of the baby. That is important for him, you, and the baby when it can be done. This may be an issue of control - and he has all of it since you say he is the only one taking care of you financially. You up and move somewhere you don't know with him and have to rely on him, he's got all the control and that abuse may get worse.

Apply for state funded daycare. Any state that has TANF benefits may have state funded daycare. If you work you may have to pay but it would be way less than paying for it alone. But you also gotta know that anytime you get government assistance, they usually try to after child-support from the father. This may or may not be a problem for you - but it ain't something you should worry about. It releases some of his control on you while you try to get and maintain your own independence. Also try applying for Section 8 or public housing which will lower or eliminate your rent depending on income. There is a bit of a weight in urban areas (anywhere from 1-6 years) but if you are willing to move to a more rural, white, and slightly metropolitan area ('metropolitan' meaning they have public transit usually) you can get in a lot quicker - usually some weeks or months. Check www.socialserve.com to see if have low-rent housing in your neighborhood.

Try enlisting the help of your mother. I know she put you out for being pregnant but she may still help you in other ways. Talk to her and tell her you need your help for baby-care while you work so you can maintain your apartment and such. If she loves her grandchild and wants to see you succeed, she may offer that as long as she knows you are trying to do something. An incentive (if you need one) is that the state will pay her for the care of the child while you work or go to school.

And go back to school. I'm assuming when you say you 'dropped out' it was college. College is great and you definitely should go back and get your degree if you can. But college is also anywhere from 2-5 years long depending on your credit load and type of degree you are receiving. Since you need to work, you may want to upgrade your skills for a better job by going to some vocational school for a time. Vocational school is usually full time days, or full time evenings but it's usually less than a year. They have license practical nursing, medical coding and billing, administrative business typing and clerical, HVAC, message therapy, cosmetology, and some others. Consider that and that way you can work and make more money and still go back to college full time or part time.

HTH