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So Alundria started this discussion about a sexually abused kid called 'my son' and then promptly closed it after I made my comments. I am not the most tactful person in the world, and sexual abuse is a sensitive subject. So when I made my comments I guess she felt 'attacked' and closed the thread.

That's too bad because it's a very important subject and I always think I got something worthwhile to say or share.

So for reference - I'll say this. I was a an abused child (that includes sexually). I know sexually abused men - men abused as children by both women, and by men. I know of men who were raped and abused in prison. Now I'm no expert and would never claim to be, but I have an excellent ability to relate to people intellectually and emotionally and be able to do a summation of their feelings, behavior, and the causes behind it - things that even the person themselves were not even aware of until I made it known and then it 'clicked' and made sense for some. But sometimes I do run amuck and make errors in judgment - for which I am more than willing to stand respectfully & peacefully corrected.

So anyways, Ms. Alundria, I am sorry you felt the need to close the discussion because of my comment. I did not mean to offend or attack you and I'm sorry. However, I do stand by my comments. I felt there was undue focus on the sexuality of a sexually abused boy because he was caught with another male ('he likes women!'), and sexuality should not be the focus, but the abuse. I know that homosexuality is viewed as a moral and ethical wrong for the acutely religious, but the focus of that and sexuality mars and displaces the focus of the abuse. But my message was apparently lost in my flippant response to your thread.


When boys and men are abused by men specifically, they often become confused because of what society says are acceptable ways of masculinity and manhood. Society is a problem because those accepted ways of masculinity and manhood are so narrowly defined our young men going errant with ways to fit within it - and this includes being 'hardcore' (not soft), sagging (only nerds and corporate conformist wear their pants high - and that equals weakness), not trusting or giving your feelings to 'bitches' (that makes you vulnerable - to a woman no less), disrespect (soft-spoken respect equals weakness), getting all the pu$$y you can get (because 'real men' love sex and women - and women become sexual objects to used and glorified) and always viewing other men/boys as a threat to take yours or test you physically with aggression.

And when I say society, that includes US - black women - because we believe that a lot of this is what makes a man. We encourage boys to sexually active and straight, encourage him to be aggressive and not take 'no shit' off of anybody and to fight, not get taken advantage of women, among other things. The difference might only be a matter of degree, but it is essentially the same thing.

That kinda explains the difference when a boy is abused by a woman and by a man. Most guys abused by women do not even recognize their problems, their 'damage' because abuse by a woman is trivialized and thought of as 'good' or positive. Sometimes it is even joked about and made fun of - such as the case with the white teachers who sexually abused the young teens boys - and they were made to look like predators instead (especially if they were black). But believe me, they are damaged.

But when a boy is abused by a man or older male - he feels emasculated and effeminized from the abuse. He feels he has essentially been made a 'punk' or a 'sissy.' Boys may glorify sex with 'older women' but suffer in secret shame about abuse made by a man.

And the thing with boys in particular (more so than women), they often do become sexual abusers when they have abused - moreso if the abuse is by a man. My guess is because that type of abuse may be more physically painful (if anal sodomy was involved), coupled with feelings of weakness, inadequacy, loss of manhood and masculinity. Their victims are often younger, weaker, and smaller. Victims can be male or female - but not surprisingly always children. Boys are chosen NOT because the abuser may be 'homosexual' (and putting those two together is a shame because they are NOT mutually exclusive), but because he is repeating the type of rape and abuse he experienced - male on male. He wants to 'weaken' another male the same as he has been weakened. You can't 'weaken' females by softening them up, making them 'punks' and taking their masculinity - only males. So boys are chosen for the abuse.

If you understand that - then you know why I 'attacked' the focus of sexuality and homosexuality in the thread. It means you have lost the focus of the abuse - and you can't help someone if you don't empathize and understand them and their behavior. Often they don't understand their behavior and you have to help them understand.

Women/girls tend to take their damage inside. Boys/men tend to take their damage outside. And when these two wind up together (and they often do) - what you have is an insecure abusive man beating up on low-esteemed woman who in some way think she deserves it. So now you may have also been given a reason for domestic abuse.

I spent a lot of time on that and I hope it was helpful. I may come with solutions later - or feel free to post your own.

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very well said. it's all about discussion. everybody won't have the same opinion, but we should be able to disagree, respectfully. i read the blog, i read the post and i posted as well. i hope the conversations regarding these hard to face issues can continue, because the more awareness is brought out, the more we can help each other...help each other.

~Spirit
I didn't see the original post...you this was well written and absolutely true.
Well put. I could not have said that better. Speechless, but enlightened.

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