Waiting for the ring

[Londa]

How many ladies of you ladies are in a long term relationship with your boyfriend, have kids and live together but have no plans to get married. How does this make you feel? Are you comfortable with living like a wife with the girlfriend title or does it bother you that you were good enough to have this mans kids but you aren't good enough to be his wife. Tell me how this makes you feel. I am currently in a 7 year relationship with 2 kids by this man but with no ring we have lived together for the past five years. Whats the deal? Do you ladies think i'm at fault for letting this happen. Speak your peace!

[Tamala]

I know this may seem crazy to many of you reading this post, but why must black women, mothers especially, settle for life without marriage. You live with him. You are raising his children. On the surface you are a family. Many of you have successful careers and don’t need a provider. I am proud of how far we have come. But, marriage has benefits that go beyond the title and the certificate. These benefits are so important and tangible; gays and lesbians are fighting for them. So the other question you might need to ask yourself is whether you are worthy to receive the legal and civil rights associated with marriage. Check out any website on the subject of marriage rights or benefits. Marriage entitles you to financial benefits like social security, disability, and Medicare benefits. My grandmother could not have survived on her entitlements only when she retired after surviving cancer. She had a small pension she earned working for the local school district, but she was able to triple her social security benefits by drawing her long deceased husband’s benefits. He died while my father and two aunts were still children. It may surprise you but her husband earned more money than she did, and even now 60 years later, many men earn more than women performing the same job. Employer sponsored healthcare benefits also come with the certificate. When you are married you can choose the better plan between the two of you or pick and chose what’s most cost effective for your family. I saw someone say they were saving to purchase a home together. Marriage protects your interest in this community property. In most states, a home cannot be sold without the spouse’s consent. The law was made to prevent men from leaving and liquidating the all the assets or running off with money. Marriage even entitles you to a portion of his retirement assets in many cases. In general women and children have better lives because of marriage. Now, most us are programmed to care for our children and man, marriage ensures you are treated fairly under the law for doing what comes naturally to you. So let’s say you live with your man. You bought house together and he has a child with a high school girlfriend. You spilt the 30 year mortgage for 10 years and manage to pay it off early. Unfortunately he dies in a car accident in the 12th year of your relationship. His mother has never liked you and doesn’t allow you to visit him in the hospital in the last moments of his life. His sister is making arrangements for his burial and decides to cremate him against your wishes. His only surviving child with his high school girlfriend legally petitions to collect her inheritance…the entire contents of his 401k (you worked to put him through college) and half the market value of the house you owned jointly with him for 11 years. What were your rights as his girlfriend again? Don’t say anything about common law. Many states like Florida don’t recognize these “relationships.” Instead of “playing” house with him, you should be in a relationship with someone that wants you to be happy, healthy, and secure no matter what the future holds. My father just retired from the military and has opted for lower retirement benefits during his lifetime to ensure that mother is cared for after he’s gone. He chose an option that pays until she dies. You deserve more. You deserve the same rights same sex couples will likely be lined up in courthouses and maybe churches to receive soon. I do believe all human beings should be equally protected under the law. Unfortunately, the state of black marriage today tells me black women will again be denied basic human rights under law because of our unwillingness or inability to enter into marriage. There will always be good and bad marriages, pray that you will be part of a good one. You wouldn't go into a business relationship without a partnership agreement, or use your credit to get a mortgage without know the terms, so why get into such an intimate relationship without a marriage certificate to protect your interest. The implications of having a child together last a lifetime not just 18 years. The bankruptcy from a failed business or mortgage lasts maybe seven years and we taken these things so seriously. You and your children are worthy of the protection and security of marriage.

[KimSyne]

I think you should do what works for you. Of course it is your fault for whatever situation you find yourself in but there is nothing wrong with what you are doing, it's just a matter of choice. If it ain't broke don't try to fix it. If it is working...let it work. Marriage doesn't change anything but your last name!