Waiting for the ring

[Londa]

How many ladies of you ladies are in a long term relationship with your boyfriend, have kids and live together but have no plans to get married. How does this make you feel? Are you comfortable with living like a wife with the girlfriend title or does it bother you that you were good enough to have this mans kids but you aren't good enough to be his wife. Tell me how this makes you feel. I am currently in a 7 year relationship with 2 kids by this man but with no ring we have lived together for the past five years. Whats the deal? Do you ladies think i'm at fault for letting this happen. Speak your peace!

[Londa]

Thank for the advice ladies. I know that I really want to be married to this man, but I have trusted this man with my life, emotionally, financially, sexually and everything in between and he hasn't failed me yet. I guess I just have to believe he has a good reason for no wanting to get married right now. I know it may sound stupid to some people but I'm just not ready to make a big deal and possibly end what we have all because I woke up one day and decided we needed to be married right now.

[Nicholle]

You have a beautiful family Londa! I hope everything works out the way you desire, and that you two can come to an agreement that works for everyone.

[KimSyne]

You are a smart woman. We can't get mad at the man because we change our mind. The fact that he is there means that he wants to be there. Sometimes we just need to be still...because if you want the ring...put it out there once and continue to do what you been doing. Don't speak on it again. I promise you...it will manifest. Just believe...Keep us posted and be happy! Happiness is not in getting the ring; happiness is loving and being loved at the same time!

[Bran]

I was in the same situation with five kids and an engagement ring. I thought if he really wants to marry me he will bring up the topic of wedding plans sometimes, not just me. Most men don't think that far. Are you happy? If you want to be married, let him know and be frank about it don't beat around the bush. Most women don't want to press the issue because they feel like it is the mans role to take them by the hand and lead them to the alter. Thats so untrue. For years I was like that until I started facing such hardships, I am a religious person and I felt like the hardships where coming along because I was living in sin. At one point we even broke up. I started worryig about my 13 year old daughter and I don't want her to think its OK the "shack up" and play house like your married. So we had a promise ceremony for the sake of our kids, then I felt guilty because it was like we where tricking our kids. Then as I began to better my relationship with the LORD, I realiized something. The basis for my religion is trusting the LORD and stepping out on faith. We had been waiting on the right time financially and emotionally for what, GOD can fix all even stupid boyfriends (lol)! We went through a whole lot just before we got married, things that threatened to break my family up, but we stuck in there and where obedient to the LORD even when it didn't make sense. Girl tell him you are ready to get married and if he is not ready tell him to get out the way so the LORD can usher your "husband " into your life. Your salvation is more important than playing house. Hope this could help you, hope I didn't offend any non religious people that might be reading this (oh well). It sounds like we might have a little something in common, feel free to contact me girlfriend, HOLLA!

[Bran]

Don't spend your time waiting for a ring, marriage is the goal. I had a ring for four or five years before we actually got married and that "ring" will "soup" you up into thinking your married when your not. And there will always be those out-of-town family trips and paper work, and family reunions, and sunday fellowships, and varoius obligations and family members that wil be there to remind you that you are not. Get married first with or without a ring. You can get a starter ring. Men love to say "wife" and "wifee" around their boys (lol) so he will get you a ring. When men try to talk to a women and she says she is married what is the first thing they say ladies.......Well wheres your ring? Then when you show it to him they say ,"Aw!, my bad. So a man knows he better put that ring on your finger if he dont want guys pushing up on his wife. This goes in both directions ladies. Then he has to get you one because he wants a little bling on his finger too! I even know some ladies that got married at the courthouse or at a small church, and she bought her own ring that she liked and he bought his own ring.

[Nappykat]

Think like a man - if I can sex you, have kids by you, and string you along for 7 years, then why would I bother marrying you if I didn't want too? And if you are 'typical and traditional' I would probably be getting all the benifits of a wife (cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids, etc) without putting anything legal to it. That means I'm not legally bound to you in any way - and for some folks that's a good thing. All the 'benefits' without legality binding me to you.

Assuming he knows you want to be married and he hasn't married you (I'm sure you haven't made it a secret to him), then I can only assume that he doesn't want to get married at all or he that doesn't want to marry you. Some men (and women) are only good for a f*ck or they might make good parents so having a baby out of wedlock doesn't look so bad either. But just because you sex somebody and have a baby by them and have a long term relationship does not mean you want to get married at all or that you want to marry them specifically.

So if that's true, then I ask you why you let a relationship string along for this long when you knew (probably from the get-go) that it didn't look like it was leading to marriage? Women give up sex for future marriage, security, love, and relationship and that hardly ever works out that way - because the truth is when a man lays down with a women he already knows if he gonna marry her or not - either now or later. And that's doesn't entirely depend on her but on him and what he wants. If he ain't ready to get married, then it doesn't matter how long you been with him or how many babies he has by you it ain't gonna lead to a marriage. He has to want it and he has to want it with you. You can't force that. And if you do force that - is that marriage then worth it? I dont personally think so.

The only advice I got for that is - let it go or stay and leave it be.

First thing to ask you boyfriend - does he want to get married at all.
If he says 'yes' then the next thing you want to know is does he want to marry you?
If that's yes, then you want to know how long do have to wait for marriage.
Then you have to decide if you want to continue to wait or should you let it go and look for another future husband (for I'm sure you don't since you spent so much time with him and want to marry him - but that means you may have to continue to wait - do you want to continue to wait?)

Now if the answer to the first 2 questions and the last question is 'no' then what?
That's why you are asking us instead of asking the 2nd important person in your relationship - him.
Be prepared and don't be afraid of the answer. Act on it and act on it in a way that condusive for you.

[KimSyne]

Nappycat:
I love you because if nothing else...you keep it real. Keep doing you...it looks good!

[Ruthy M. Tyre]

First of all, I don't like the word "fault". I prefer the word accountable. Are you owning the choices that got you to where you are? Have you looked at what drove those choices? How do those choices align with your values? Are you willing to make new ones in order to achieve a different outcome? What have you been committed to? What is your future commitment? If your situation is really working for you, then what needs to change? If it isn't, then what needs to change? I have coached ladies in your situation and there is no "one size fits all" answer. I wish you well in figuring out "the deal."

[Mrs. Hall]

Most men after about 2 to 3 years have a clue if they want to marry a woman or not. 7 years with no real interest of marrying you, it's all about what you require from him. If you require him to come home every night, then that's what he is going to do, if you require him to be faithful then he'll be faithful but if you have no requirements about marriage then he is going to go with the flow. You have giving him everything a wife would give him so in his eyes why buy the cow when you already have the milk...or however that saying goes. My son was about 1 years old when his father and I got engaged. Then he started saying "Marriage is just a piece of paper". That was code for he wasn't interested in marrying me. See I was his barber, his cook, his seamstress, I was his alarm clock, his secretary, his baby mama, I was doing everything a married woman would do so why marry me? We split, I wanted to make room for someone who wanted me, not just wanted what I was doing for them. A year later i found that man. To me marriage is a goal that we all should be working towards. 7 years in a relationship and you all are not working toward that goal, then what is really going on? He might have marriage issues, just talk to him and see his views on it because when you are in a 5, 6, 7 + year relationship and still just his baby mama, your requirement level might not be where it should be. If he can’t eventually meet your requirement level then reevaluate your situation. No one should be comfortable not working towards a goal.

[Sari Ramirez]

Hi
im currently going thru the same thing we have a 4yr old and have been living together for 5yrs!! At first i didnt really think about marriage but now im starting to want to know if we will ever marry,he is always telling me we are not on the same page but i really dont think we ever will because we are so different but at the same time we have a good ralationship.

Im starting to feel that im not the love of his life and we have discussed this because i need to move on if it will never happen,i dont want to continue this relationship and down the line find out he wants out and by that time im 40,so it is an issue that we are having right now but its not breaking us.He shows me he loves me and is a good father but sometimes i have my doubts only because i dont have a ring.............but then again should a ring be the only thing to really make it complete????

Now a days with so many people getting divorces i think men are just afraid of making that kinda commitment,they want to be sure that everything in their lives is complete.

[Lea]

Definitely you are at fault and he has responsibility also. What shacking meant for me was very demeaning and hurful. Unlike some of the ladies here. I did not wait for years and several children later.I decided not to wait any longer after a year of waiting. When I experienced the delivery table and we still did not get married, I was bitter resentful and done. Our woman in the society have to set higher standards. Even the woman that were passive and did not demand in the old days were unwed mothers also.

[Lea]

Stop the madness, Men are not afraid, Men Love extreme sports i.e. football with the risk of breaking bones and the bloody knuckles of extreme fighting sports. As Ladies we have to stop making it seem as if Men are not conscious of the decisions they make. Men are very calculated they are thinking about themselves mostly. That is why they strategize on ways to avoid getting married.

The Biggest strategy of all is being silent when it comes to the subject. Therefore the wait out game works for them.