Waiting for the ring

[Londa]

How many ladies of you ladies are in a long term relationship with your boyfriend, have kids and live together but have no plans to get married. How does this make you feel? Are you comfortable with living like a wife with the girlfriend title or does it bother you that you were good enough to have this mans kids but you aren't good enough to be his wife. Tell me how this makes you feel. I am currently in a 7 year relationship with 2 kids by this man but with no ring we have lived together for the past five years. Whats the deal? Do you ladies think i'm at fault for letting this happen. Speak your peace!

[Talon Thomas]

Hi sista girl

I have one baby out of wedlock and his father and I have a good relationship but we do not live together. The answer to your question is very simple just think about it from his viewpoint. Why should he marry you? You are already doing everything a wife does he gets all of the perks of having a wife without any of the responsibilities. If you were given a car, and never had to pay for it, would you..... NO of course you would not! This man of yours is only doing what you are allowing him to do and that is not stepping up to the plate. He maybe a wonderful father and provider and perhaps even a good boyfriend but it takes more then that to be a good husband. And I say this out of love but. It is your fault for letting yourself get into this kind of situation.After baby #1 you should have say ok enouf is enouf. If you want better put your foot down that’s what I did, and believe me when I tell you it works. Men are not like us they have to hunt like animlas out in the wild,it's in their D.N.A if you’re giving your whole self mind body and soul without making him work for it guessed what HE NEVER WILL!!! Be a strong woman a demand your worth and if he can't be a real man about it count your blessing DON'T MAKE BABY # 3 WITH HIM FOR GOD SAKES BRAKE THE CYCLE and move on.

[Mahogany Momma]

Londa, I can't throw stones because I am in the same boat so we going down together, lol! My hubby and I have been living together for 4.5 years, and we've been together for over 5 years with 1 son. We get asked that big question alot, 'When are you getting married!!'. My response is when we are ready. We certainly want to get that done, be right now we are saving to get a house, and would rather invest that money into a house than a wedding. Plus, we don't want a huge wedding, but a nice one, so we want to do it right without putting a lean on the house to get it!

So, for us it's a matter of saving to get it done as we like, as a opposed to spending for more things we can afford. That's the topic for us now, I can speak for the years past. I guess at some point we went through growing pains and then for a few years we just were happy as it was, but we do want more in the future.

Honestly I think culturally speaking we do get married as quickly as our white counter-parts, who I find will get married after 2 or 3 months of dating. I know some of it has to do with slaver / separation. Some has to do with how social services is setup and dads have to be invisible for low-income moms to get government support. For the rest of us I think it's just because it's normal. I have lots of uncles, few of them are actually married to my aunts. My grandmother just go married past her 60th birthday!

Marriage is a new norm for us. And with the publicity of our first family and black families in media like via reality tv, I think it will slowly become more of a norm for all. -lh

[Angie]

First of all I don't think that it's because you're not good enough to be his wife. If it was that he'd probably be gone a long time ago and you'd be stuck with just the kids. You made the mistake when you decided to share a house before taking those vows. Now he's all comfortable in the way you're living now and doesn't think there's a need to get married because he knows that you aren't going anywhere. Why? Because he knows that you wouldn't want to break your family up. So you "settle" for living with a man that you're not married to and is not giving you any signs that he wants to finally marry you. A long time ago when I was younger(not that I'm old now:-)) and just beginning to want to be on my own, I thought that I would want to move in with my boyfriend. Then I thought about all the times my family would talk about how it wasn't good to "shack up" with a man. They would say if a man wanted to live with you then he should marry you. Your man has his cake and is eating it too. What more does he need? Nothing!!! Because you're already giving it to him. You've been together for quite some time now. If he truly loves you he shouldn't have a problem with spending the rest of his life with you legally in God's eyes. Don't you think you deserve that for yourself? I do! Just pray to God for direction on how to deal with the subject of marriage to this man. I pray that things will truly work out for you. Just keep the faith sista!

[Unique]

One thing I have learned is not to be brought outside of your charter because of someone else values. If your standards are marriage and for what ever reason you put that on the back burner well perhaps it is time to stand firm again.

[Nicole Harty]

Londa, I am actually in the same boat as you are. I have been with my boyfriend (baby's father) for eight years now. We have three children together, I thought that we would be married by now but nope. It is our fault Londa, the other ladies make very good points about us not standing up for what we want. I want to be married, I didn't want to have all my children out of wedlock. But he is comfortable and I don't push the issue. Now I suppose if we decide to push the issue and demand that we are no longer walking around as their girlfriend (baby mama) but as their wife. I have been there for him, had three children by him, I have been living with him (or shacking up) the whole eight years we have been together, so why can't I be wifey now? They are getting everything they want, you are taking care of the children and taking care of him and all without that ring, so why should he marry you if he's getting all the perks already? Some women would have already left regardless of the fact that he is a good man, good provider, friend, lover, father, and what not...it's just that you still want the man that you love to marry you. We do need to stand up and if by doing so you lose your man then so be it...if it was truly meant then it will be. Then again there are some women comfortable being the girlfriend, so Londa ask yourself if you are comfortable or do you truly want to be this man's wife and I could ask myself the same thing. I know I am at fault and so I have to be the one to right the wrong...

[Mommy Dearest]

With twisted crimson, the work of an artisan, with precious stones engraved like seals, in a setting of gold. The work of a jeweler, to commemorate in engraved letters each of the tribes of Israel., Sirach 45:11 Apocryphal...Whether full price or clearance sale...I want to show and tell...the whole wide world that we fell...in love. With a sign and symbol of...our commitment...to one another. We'll go...the whole...nine yards...yes, our two will be come, one beating heart. But before our life can get a jump start...together...my beloved fella. "If you like it, then you better put a ring on it"...proving you're committed to it...preventing other men from stepping to it! And please insure it, in case I lose it. I'll engrave my initials on yours...and proudly have yours on mine...for I am my beloveds and my beloved is mine, Song of Solomon 2:16...whether you purchase it new...recycled or reused...I'll be happy to be visually sealed to you...my beloved.

So if ya like it...put a ring on it...my beloved,
Mommy Dearest

[adrienne strachn]

oh, i like this,,,,, i may use this for my daughter... adrienne

[Najah H.]

This is a great topic. I'm entering into a situation where my man and I have a baby on the way (both of our 1st) after 2 years. We don't live together, but we will before the baby arrives. We agreed on that because it's the best thing for the baby. A child or children need their Mother and Father. We are vessels that carry these angels through and we are the first teachers. Now, on the desire to get married (or not), everyone has to decide what that means. I read some responses about saving up, being comfortable, why "buy the milk when you have the cow", etc. Getting married is a simple as going down to the courthouse for a marriage license. In a few minutes you can get married, legally. But, the process of a wedding is a bigger deal. A deal many of us can not afford or don't wish to spend on - I don't think that's an excuse not to get married.

Marriage is a committment before God to me. Right now, my man and I have committed to our child but not to "US". We go to the jewelry stores and he talks/asks about rings I like which is comforting but no guarantee a proposal is coming. I know men have to feel they are capable of providing and 1000% sure their woman is loyal, faithful, comforting and a place of peace. If a man doesn't feel 1000% sure about that he WILL NOT commit. Sure, he loves you and adores his kids but a marriage is much more. I suggest we examine what our men want and put aside our feelings for a minute. What you can do to please him so he wouldn't want to be ANYWHERE else but with you - peace and paradise. Many blessings ladies and keep the faith. NH

[SYRIANA MY LOVE]

I DONT THINK YOU ARE AT FAULT. IN DUE TIME HE WILL PRESENT YOU WITH A RING IF IT'S MEANT TO BE. BUT YOU SHOULDNT RUSH ANYTHING. IT SEEMS LIKE FOR THOSE THAT HAVE BEEN LONG RELATIONSHIPS AND THEN DECIDE TO GET MARRIED THINGS BEGIN TO FALL, BUT IT'S UP TO THE BOTH OF YOU TO KEEP IT IN PLACE. I HAVE A GUY FRIEND THAT HAS BEEN MARRIED FOR TWO YEARS, BECAUSE HIS GIRLFRIEND KEPT ASKING ABOUT A RING. BELIEVE IT OR NOT IS NOT WORKING OUT FOR THE BEST...DONT BLAME YOURSELF. LET HIM BE THE ONE TO COME AND PURPOSE TO YOU. GOD BLASS AND GOOD LUCK!!!!

[LindsMom]

Londa why don't you push the issue with him? Are you afraid that it will lead to an argument? If so, he's the wrong man and you need to move on. You know the answer to your situation better than anybody! It's been 7 years and two kids and he should know by now what he needs to do. First I'm not in this situation, but THINK about your kids and what an impression its making on them. Men are getting it too easy and women are allowing them to do whatever they want and women need to put their foot down. I think its a situation where women don't want to be stigmatized as a "single mother" so they live with the fathers in hopes that he will propose or just for convenient sex, or not having to explain to somebody else that you've got kids. Sound familiar?? I know I've been in the same situation and years go by and nothing has changed. Ask yourself if you really love him and if you can see yourself married to him. If you do, let him know how you feel but I would'nt wait around anymore, life is to short. There nothing wrong with waiting, but 7 years is way to long. Anyway I found this website that I thought was cute, the owner of the site is a black woman and she was profiled on TV to help mothers marry their children's father. It's not a good one for my situation (and that's a good thing really!), but if you've got a man that loves you but is just being slow about it, this might help.

Check it out: http://www.marryyourbabydaddy.com/

[Nicholle]

Londa,

Since it takes two to make a baby, two to get married, and two to agree to share a household, it seems as if you and your partner are on the same page on a lot of things. If you all have not gotten married, its because it is not that important to the both of you.

I was in a long term relationship (seven years) with my childrens' father. We were together from the time I was 19 until I was 25. We discussed marriage back and forth throughout the years, but we knew we wanted to get ourselves "right" first. Now, it has also been seven years since we've been apart, and I am happier than I've ever been, I've grown up, I've matured, I've learned so much about who I am, spiritually, socially, psychologically and intellectually. I can see now, why we never married, we were not fully formed adults. In fact, I have only recently entertained the idea of marriage and started back dating. Men and Women know when they are and are not at their absolute best, and in a position to offer something to a mate.

I am sure most of us (who are unmarried) would confess that we were generally unprepared for motherhood when we had our kids, and are still similarly unprepared for marriage. We want it, but are we REALLY ready for the challenges that marriage poses? Are we really ready to sacrifice, lose arguments, alternately lead and submit, suffer through the "sickness" and the "poorer" that's in those vows, and generally devote our life to another person in partnership no matter what. Not just for 18 years, but FOR LIFE?!?!?!

Another thing is the issue of being "good enough" to be someones wife. I have seen my friends marry and divorce, being someones wife often has NOTHING to do with being "good enough." I have seen wives who are at the financial whims of their husbands, whose husbands disregard their opinions, whose husbands cheat on them, and who blatantly disrespect them on the one hand, or who act like an additional kid, on the other. I have seen women who are terrible parents, dont take care of themselves, have bad attitudes, no skills other than in the bedroom, and are generally walking train wrecks get married.

For a long time I thought like this, that you have to be "good enough" to be a wife. That you had to really have your stuff together in all areas before you would be "rewarded" with a husband. But then I began to look around, and see who was married, and I was just in shock. Husbands are just men, Wives are just women. We are all flawed. There is no secret greatness required to get married, its not about being "good enough" so do not beat yourself up about that. (Just watch divorce court and see who some men will marry.)

Marriage is about two mature adults coming into agreement about what is best for them and how to move forward in the best way for them, not for the church, their parents or society, for THEM!

When I was involved with my children's father, I worked hard in my role as his partner. I cooked, cleaned, worked, went to school. He cooked, cleaned, worked and took care of the kids. We both worked really hard to be together and to do right by each other because we genuinely cared for one another, not because we felt "good enough" or unworthy of being with each other.

I say all of this to remind us to be careful about the sacred value that we put on wife-hood. Will saying vows and exchanging rings alter the way you relate to one another? will he be nicer to you? do more for you? become a better provider? will you change the way you relate to him? will you be a different person if this ceremony and exchange takes place? will you be nicer? will you cook better meals? be a better mom? be a better partner? If so, that means you are not giving your best now. and neither is he, which begs the question do you really want to marry him, and why would he want to marry you?

I think if the two of you agree on values for your family, agree that you all want to be together, and agree that you will give your best to one another regardless, then things are solid. Marriage is just saying these things to your family and community. But if you all are already doing this, your family and community will be able to tell by how you all interact with each other.

So, if you and your man are happy, working together as a unit financially and as parents, share values for the family and are content in and of yourselves, then marriage may be something for the two of you to work on. But dont equate your value to this one aspect of life.

[Babydoll]

It's all up to what you want your life to be. If you are good with it this way then keep doing what you're doing but if you seriously want a committed relationship then you should sit him down and have a good heart to heart with no children around. Its been 7 years and you two need to make a decision as to what you two are going to do.