When is enough really enough in a marriage?

[Tasha J]

I have been married for three and a half years now and my marriage and I have not been happy yet. First my husband has finally admitted to getting married to me for all the wrong reasons. He has betrayed my trust. I have not caught him myself with anybody but i can't trust his as far as i could throw him. I do have reasons not to trust him. He doesn't care what he say to me. Currently i am paying all the bills and the only one working in the house. I could go on and on about my marriage and the things that has been going on. I am ready to just give up on this marriage. I just feel so empty at this time. My husband don't hold me, talk to me or nothing. I really need to know how much does one have to take in a marriage to eventually see that it is not going to work?

[Trisha Martin]

If It Don’t Fit…

When I was a child, I remember one of my favorite songs was, If It Don’t Fit, Don’t Force It, by Kellee Patterson. That song came out in 1978 and I could not have known what they were talking about at such an early age because if I had, years later, I would not have stayed in my marriage as long as I had. Actually, I don’t even know if I would have gotten married at all to the man that fathered my three boys. I mean really, in the three years before we even tied the knot, I had gone through an obstacle course full of red flags. As if it were yesterday, I remember pulling up to the church where we were to have our shoe string wedding with my soon to be mother-in-law and our two kids in tow. I can’t remember what we were arguing about, but I do distinctly remember my ex-mother-in-law saying, “y’all sure y’all wanna do this?” If I had known what I know now, is what keeps coming to my mind right now.

But how could I have known? I was only twenty-four and thought I was doing the right thing by getting married to the man that fathered one of the two children that I had then. All I could think of was, if I marry him, God would fix everything. He’d make everything right. Wrong! “God bless this mess,” was the prayer that I prayed often. But in my experience, God doesn’t bless mess; at least He didn’t bless mine’s. I was a good wife; really. I went to work everyday, made sure the kids were properly fed and clothed, and even though I wasn’t an A-plus housekeeper (that’s what maids are for), I did however take care of my business in the bedroom, if you know what I mean. My husband didn’t have to worry about me running around on him. Our entire marriage, I pretty much stayed at home with the kids, so he basically ran the streets with a peace of mind as to my whereabouts, while he was out doing his dirt.

Marrying someone with an addiction is like signing yourself up for a life full of distress, disappointments and dis-ease. “But I love him, and love conquers all,” bullcrap! That’s the lie we’ve been led to believe. Oh, it sounds really great, but take it from me, love does not conquer all. Being a lover through and through, the love I had for my husband and every guy since him, should have been enough to keep everything together. Not! I’ve learned that when loving, you need to make sure that the person you are giving your love to, is even capable of reciprocating the act itself. It’s one thing to say I love you, but if there’s no action that backs that up, then those are essentially empty words. And the act of love-making, if that is indeed what occurs in your bedroom, does not prove one’s love for you. Being compatible in that area is one of the reasons we stay involved even when the rest of the relationship is falling apart.

In closing I’d like to say that when you’re truly in the market for attracting someone you’re considering building a solid relationship with, make sure that person is as close to a fit as possible. Trying to fit a square into a rectangle has never been possible unless you have a hammer as a tool and even after it’s finally inside the irregular space, the original shape is destroyed.

www.freewebs.com/sayinsomethang

[Tasha J]

I really feel that I have been a good wife to him. No I am not saying that I am perfect but I was willing to change my faults just to make my marriage work. But it seemed that when I was doing that he was more bitter. I was like "I am sorry I can't do this". And yes my husband is dealing with an addiction. So that has a lot to do with our problems too. And the sex well we have it when he feels like it. There was a time when I didn't even have to ask for it he had been always on time. Now it is a different story. I am just tired it has been so much going on within these last 3 almost 4 years and it seems as if my husband is in the same position he was in when I met him and it doesn't look like he is trying to change for the better.

[Trisha Martin]

Girl, I'm just gone be REALLY real with you. After I decided to let go of my marriage and trust me, my husband had already let it go, I told God that I was finished crying and praying. I prayed this prayer: Lord, I have prayed and prayed for this marriage. I have trusted and relyed on you to fix it. Lord, I know that it doesn't take you fifty years to fix anything. Lord, I give this up. Lord, I know that I deserve better if only to be by myself. Father, please remove this man from my life. Also remove any feelings that would have me to go back on what you are doing. AMEN! Honey, that very same day, my husband left and didn't look back for a whole year. By the time he wanted to get back with me, it was too late. I was not the same woman that I was before. All this praying that God will fix something that shouldn't have been in the first place is a waste of time. That man does not deserve you. It is up to you to make the steps to end it, however it's going to be. You are not in a marriage, only on paper. Get out while you can and go on with your life. There is life after divorce; better than what you're in. Always remember: Whether you're with this man or not, God is going to be where ever you are. He will continue to provide for you and your children.

[Sharonda Penn]

Well, being a person that have been married for now 12 years, I can tell you there will be more to come if you don't nip those issues in the bud right now. Just yesterday, my husband and I argued all the way home, that's with our three kids in the van. Our home is about 20 minutes away from his job so it was a really hectic drive for everyone. I was doing the driving, I mind you. We are sharing one vehicle, and we just had a newborn September 10th. I decided not to return to work from my leave because of the high expense for childcare. Our children is 10, 7, and newborn. Our daughter is not mature enough to keep her and her brother home before and after school so we will have to also pay for that if I return to work. We are stressed out because our issues are overwhelming us.
Don't give up on your marriage because you think he is cheating. Know he is cheating, and then make the decision to leave or not. Way all your options before you make drastic decisions. My husband and I both had to deal with each other bad habits. My husband for instance don't like to clean up behind himself, he's so dramatic with everything, talk to me and the kids like we are idiots. I like to shop a lot for my children. I don't overspend. I just spend our savings money. When the kids act out he wonders why. Not thinking that it's because of our behavior towards each other. Good Luck!

[ayesha]

I would say that the answer lies within God. Matthew 19:9 says And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery. Marriage is not easy but it is a vow for better or worse. It seems as though you are not ready to leave him, you are really hurt by his actions. God is able to do all things. He can fix your marriage if you give it over to him. I have only been married for 8 years and things are not perfect but they are not the worse. Speak to those who have been married for 20 plus years, those who have a good relationship with each other. You will see it took work and many would say lots of prayer. That being said you need to love and like yourself and a man can't give that to you. If you decide to stay, focus on God, don't look to your husband at this point. He is probably not happy with himself and directs it towards you and look for his source of happiness in others(if he's cheating). I would forgive him and pray for him with a loving heart weather you stay or leave because he has issues. But you have to get your love for yourself back be that person who you like and love and you'll know what to do.

[LaShonda]

Have you taken your concerns to the Lord? The best advice I can give is asking the Lord for help. Then, listen to that inter-voice. It will tell you what to do.

[Tasha J]

I have taken my marriage, myself and my husband to the Lord. There has been times when I truly felt that us being apart was coming form God. He has left on numerous of occasions (times I put him out and times he left on his own) I end up bringing him back because he might call me and say he is sorry and want to come back and do right or I may just be tired of being here alone with my kids. But every time he has come back he would go doing the same thing over again. Although I am not praying daily for my marriage at this time I am still believing God will answer.

[Carol Sowell]

Dear Tasha, Please know you are in my prayers. I've had my share of ups and downs. Marriage is hard work even when things are going well. One thing I know is that love is not enough. What I mean by that is, you need more than *love.* You also have to have a mutual trust and respect for each other. If something is not right, you MUST communicate, and I mean both of you, not one sitting and listening to the other. You must also be brutally honest with each other no matter how hurtful that might be. Respect each other during this discussion or many discussions. Get help if necessary. No matter how hard it is to discuss the problems, no matter how tired you are it must be done. I've read a number of the replies and find them very heartwarming, and also very realistic. Remember your vows. Discuss them. Are both of you living up to them? Vows are a solemn promise and pledge to each other, a serious commitment, supposedly till death do you part. There is a reasonable assumption in a marriage that each of the partners will uphold the marriage, contributing to the union in a way to preserve the marriage through good times and bad. That means doing the adult things required such as holding a job to provide income, being an emotional and spiritual support for each other as a good husband and wife...and parents if there are children. This all demands substantial sacrifice for both of you, but the rewards can be great. A few rules. Write down the issues that need to be addressed. Don't be petty. Remain as objective as possible,(it is hard). If there have been other battles which have been resolved, do not bring up past history, discuss the immediate problems and agree to how they will be constructively handled. If it's the same old problem rearing it's ugly head, it needs more discussion. Let each other know what you expect from the discussion. Do not be accusatory and do not use foul language. Agree to conditions to rectify the problems and stick to them. Spell out what will happen if either of you are not doing your part. None of this, "you never take out the garbage, you don't have a job, you're never home, you throw your clothes around for me to pick up, you this, you that." Don't pick up the clothes...if they are not in the hamper they will not be washed. If the garbage is full and has not been taken out, it stays in the trash can. If no job is obtained, no beer, cigarettes, sodas etc, will be forthcoming How about deodorant and shaving cream? Ask each other, "how do you plan to correct these problems?" Write down the commitment to action and then go back to see if it is working. Above all, remember what marriage is...a union of two people who pledged a solemn vow. There is no way to know what if any faith life either of you have, but I can tell you there is a third person in your marriage and He is God. Put it in his hands. Ask for his help, but do your part. "Facta, non verba"... which is latin and means "deeds, not words."

[kelly ann]

It's enough that you're not happy... He's already divorced you mentally, so what are you really waiting for? I feel you, my husband did the same thing he checked out on the union for selfish reasons and forgot to tell me. Don't wait for another three years for him to leave... Leave him and take care of you!

[pgcountywoman]

Please preserve your mental health at all costs. Right now, from what you have described, you are in an abusive relationship. It's abusive in several ways: financially, mentally, and moreover, psychologically. The only thing you have shared that you are getting out of this relationship is pain. Life is too short, and if you are beating yourself up, please stop now. We all make unwise choices. For the sake of your mental health, please talk to a counselor of some sort. This can be done to preserve yourself rather or not you choose to stay in this marriage.

[KimSyne]

You talked about what he said and what he does. But what about you? Why did you marry him? What has changed? Why doesn't he have a job? Half America is unemployed right now. Is he looking? Have you guys considered other ways to make money (home based businesses).? Do you love him? When he said what he said, had he been provoked? These are questions that I don't expect an answer too. But you need to be honest with yourself when you answer these questions for yourself. NO ONE ON HERE CAN TELL YOU WHEN ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! Only you can determine that. But I will say:

Every relationship is a challenge. And you are going to go thru something with whoever you choose to be with. You have to learn how to make it thru the challenges. I promise you that if you guys could work thru this your relationship will be so much better and stronger. The kind of relationship that you can only have when you have experienced things together. No one said these things would be easy and fun. Any one who has been married for more than 1 week will tell you that it takes work. If you are willing to work your way thru it --it can be the most beautiful thing in the world. Not to mention the benefits of a two parent home for your children.

I hope this helps. But it will never work when you speak negative terms about it. There is POWER in words so be careful that you always speak positivity in all that you do.

One Love,
Kimsyne

[Nappykat]

QUOTE
"I really feel that I have been a good wife to him. No I am not saying that I am perfect but I was willing to change my faults just to make my marriage work. "
END QUOTE

What does this have to do with the price of tea in China?

I swear... women.

When a person is fed up and treating you wrong, it really doesn't matter how good a person has been to you or how you good you been to that person. I really get tired of women in particular talking about things like 'I did everything for him! I cleaned his feet, washed his dirty drawls, took care of his children, ran his bathwater, cook, cleaned, and was there for him to talk too. HOW COULD HE DO THIS TOO ME!!'

What they don't realize is that that doesn't matter. It won't matter what you do or how good you look. It won't keep a person from cheating or treating you wrong unless cheating is treating you wrong is something they don't want to do in the first place.

An what if you take your concerns to 'The Lord' and he is telling you to LEAVE NOW! Can you handle that? Maybe the purpose of this relationship was to serve whatever purpose it was suppose to serve in your life and that's it and now it's time to go. But oh sisters - a good man is so truly hard to find so they don't wanna deal with the possibility of leaving one they already got. A half of a man that treats you bad is better than no man at all.

Ain't that right sistas?

And it case it ain't evident, I'm being sarcastic but it is how a lotta sistas feel whether they actually say it or not.

God is able to do all things but make a perfect society than can follow his rules and not be 'tempted' by some lower creature like a snake and a tree. If he can't get it right the first time and he is suppose to be perrrrfect.... well good luck with that. I personally wouldn't wanna put all my eggs in a basket of a jealous, vengeful, arrogant, homicidal maniac but that's just me.

And I don't think you're really reading because you said nothing about the advice you been given you just adding mo bits and pieces to your problems. So I think you just wanna air your problems and not really think about what you might have to do. Maybe this is something that you asked for. Think about it. 'God' really does have a twisted and sick sense of humour. She will answer our prayers for one thing and then add a little bit that you never would want but didn't say you didn't want. Like you get the gorgeous man with the good job and the holy-roller faith only to find out he's an addicted alcoholic with a mental disorder who blacks out and tries to kill you because he didn't take his medication (an incident in Lisa Nichol's book 'How to Overcome Anything')

Certainly not what you asked for.... maybe .... - but maybe its what you need to be clear about our yourself and clear in your intentions and to learn something.

QUOTE
"But every time he has come back he would go doing the same thing over again."
END QUOTE

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Peep that and try doing something different like leaving... if you can and that's what you wanna do. If not - hold on and say the hell with it and do what you do. If you can take care of yourself, then take care of yourself. Let him stay there and quite thinking about him and do whatever it takes for yourself - not him. Be social, go out with friends, take some time out at the gym, shop, sleep, eat, and be merry. Sometimes when a man finds out that he is no longer the center and object of your world he is surprise and may start treating you right (mainly to become the object and center of your world again since he is no longer being noticed by you.... but I just sayin that sometimes his behavior does change as a result of being IGNORED by you).