When is enough really enough in a marriage?

[Tasha J]

I have been married for three and a half years now and my marriage and I have not been happy yet. First my husband has finally admitted to getting married to me for all the wrong reasons. He has betrayed my trust. I have not caught him myself with anybody but i can't trust his as far as i could throw him. I do have reasons not to trust him. He doesn't care what he say to me. Currently i am paying all the bills and the only one working in the house. I could go on and on about my marriage and the things that has been going on. I am ready to just give up on this marriage. I just feel so empty at this time. My husband don't hold me, talk to me or nothing. I really need to know how much does one have to take in a marriage to eventually see that it is not going to work?

[dana gloston-mckinley]

FIRST OF ALL, DON'T LET YOURSELF LIVE IN DENILE DOLL. IF YOU FELT ASHAMED, HURT, OR UPSET WHEN YOU WERE WRITING THIS DISCUSSION, THEN THAT'S A SIGN WITHIN ITSELF THAT HE IS NOT THE ONE FOR YOU. HE HAS ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT HE'S BEEN LIVING A LIE WITH YOU BECAUSE HE MARRIED YOU FOR THE WRONG REASONS. NOW, HE PROBABLY LIKES YOU AND MAY EVEN HAVE SOME LOVE FOR YOU, BUT HE DOESN'T RESPECT YOU. SOME PEOPLE ARE IN YOUR LIFE FOR ONLY A SEASON. SO CHUNK THIS MARRIAGE UP AS A BAD LIFE EXPERIENCE AND NEXT TIME BE A LITTLE MORE PATIENT AND ASK GOD TO SHOW YOU IF THIS IS THE MAN FOR YOU. BECAUSE YOU OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T DO IT WITH THIS ONE OR YOU WOULDN'T BE PAYING ALL THE BILLS.

[Sasha]

I think that you need to make a solid decision do you want the marriage to work on your marriage and does he want the it to work.You both have to want the marriage to work.When you talk to him and he wants it to work then you guys either go to counseling or a pastor if you have one.If he doesn't have any interest in work on his marriage then you need to move on with your life. Me and my husband have had many problems and we worked it out but I also have a close friend and they have been married for 8yrs and they are getting a divorce. So just pray and try but if he is not willing you CAN'T FORCE HIM.But I wish you the best and I know how you feel because every wants to be happy and its hurts when you go home and you don't feel loved because I have been there.

[Angela]

Hi after reading your message i think you have to decide if your marriage is worth fighting for, there had to be some love there in the beginning or your husband wouldnt have married you dont you agree? Sounds like you need to get some counseling for yourself if you husband wont go with you and see if there are any internal things going on with you to figure out why you allow yourself to stay in a relationship if you arent getting the love and respect you deserve whether it be your husband or any man for that matter. i've been in relationships in the past where i stayed with a man because i just wanted to be loved and i thought giving him what he wanted would be enough but NO that still didnt make him not cheat, so i had to decide that hey im worth more than this and nobody should be allowed to treat me any kind of way just because i wanted a man. anyhoo the only way its going to work is with the both of you putting all your strength and effort into it and get the additional help you need. good luck and take care.

[Nappykat]

You got a couple of issues going on here.
First issue - unemployment.
First question - I get the sense you feel overwhelmed with being the only one working and paying the bills, so do you think the relationship would get better if he got a job?

2nd issue - feeling
2nd question - Are you resentful that he is not working and helping you out financially? Does him talking to you like he does make you feel unloved and taken for granted? Could he be talking to you any kinda way because he feels the pressure and resentment that you are giving him from being unemployed and he doesn't know how to deal with it? This goes back to Question and issues 1 - if he got a job would both of your feelings about the situation and the situation itself improve?

Are the feelings for the unemployment creating a rift between you and he thinks its difficult to hold and talk to a woman who is hurt and resentful that is not financially helping out or contributing the household? It you put yourself in his shoes - this may be what he is feeling. If you all are religiously traditional couple - it can very hard on a man's self esteem and psyche when he know he is suppose to be a bread winner and bring home the bacon and yet is not able to do that for whatever reason - and a woman who feels he should be doing that can be bitter, cold, and resentful herself. In situations like this, men are known for becoming more verbally aggressive (and sometimes physically) aggressive instead of trying to help a woman with a her feelings and emotions.

Has he been reaching out to someone else - particularly another woman? And you think there is a probably of cheating and that's why you don't trust him? Or has he been leaving little clues around that may indicate cheating? You do not have to answer this question - these are just questions that may help you gain insight into your situation.


Also ask your yourself these questions -
Why did you get married?
What expectations did you have that you think your husband is not living up to or how have those expectations been been been disappointing for you?

Apparently, your husband had expectations for this marriage and his spouse and it seems he is also disappointed with those expectations as things have not turned out the way he may have expected.

It may help to understand why we got married in the first place and what we expected and how the balances out with the person we are with and the very nature of the relationship itself.

Nobody can tell you when to walk away from a marriage. You just have to know. From my experience - those that want you to stay are the ones deeply into their religion, fear that finding a black man is very hard, and will say that you should stay so you can save face in the eyes of god and and the community. Personally, I don't think these people are worth listening too.

Then others will say you should just up and leave like that. They may be the ones waiting on the back burner to snatch up your man as soon hit the door. I don't trust them either.

Speaking of trust - I don't doubt whether or not you have a reason to trust your man, but the trust issue is a on you and not him (because you are the one writing this and sharing this). First - you don't trust him because.... he told you he married you for the wrong reasons? He was being truthful so how is that a betrayal of trust? You can be sad and disappointed but that doesn't make him untrustworthy.

He doesn't cares what he says to you - that makes him insensitive, not necessarily untrustworthy.

Or he cheated. Yet you say he haven't caught him with anybody.

This means either you been cheated on in the past and some residual trust issues, or he's leaving you wondering with little clues laying around here and there (like a late night fall call that he takes elsewhere and promptly hangs up when he thinks you're listening).

Trust is a 100% give thing - there is no half-assing. No half trust. So if you haven't caught him with anybody or doing anything then it's a waste of time wondering about and not trusting him. If you have residual trust issues from a past relationship, that's not his problem to solve but yours. He has nothing to prove to you or disprove and trying to prove to someone that you are not cheating is a waste time also. Either they trust you or they don't. Again, there is no half-steppin. If you think he is cheating or doing something wrong - then ask him or snoop around and confirm it. If you can't confirm anything then leave it alone, let it go and go on about your business. If you do confirm that he's been cheating - then you know what you gotta do. Leave or stay. Women often fear leaving a cheating man so they prefer not to confirm their suspicions and pretend like they don't know. And when I say 'fear' I don't necessarily mean for their wellbeing, I mean fear of being alone, lonely, missing him, and being financially destitute. If he is cheating and you decide to stay - counseling may help. Getting employed may help. He could reaching out to another woman because of the stressful situation at home - which could ease up with employment and thus negate the need for reaching out to someone else. If that is the situation - the your marriage may be savable if that is what you want. If that is the case and you want to save the marriage - and his is willing to let the other person go - then offer him your 100% trust again if you can.

If you feel like none of that will help and you are just tired... then you make to make your decisions and stark making arrangements to leave or separate. Maybe you need a separation instead.

[Mommy Dearest]

Only you can decide that! And trust me useless you are in a physically abusive relationship and feel fear for your safety and even then you are the only one that can remove yourself from your marriage. Trust is at the basis of every solid relationship, along with communication and above all sincere love. If you do not have a combination of the 3, a healthy relationship can not thrive, grow or recover from damage. All things are possible with God but God is love and if there is no love at the core your relationship, He is not in it. As the Bible says, Love Conquers all, if give the opportunity. The question is have you and or your Husband given it the opportunity too? If you want change you must put the effort towards making that happen. Love is not just a warm feeling it is an action word...have you taken any action? Talked about the state of your marriage, openly and honestly. Shared the good, the bad and the ugly, together or with mediation. I'm 43 and been married 23 years with 3 kids and experienced the highs and the lows of matrimony, holy and unholy! God can fix anything if you as a couple give it to Him, all of it. Recognizing each ones role and responsibility to the covenant of marriage, as He designed it. But only you and God, can know if you should stay in the relationship, whether its His will or not. Ask Him, Pray and ask for confirmation whether you should stick it out and what you should do, in regards to it healing. He knows the true hearts, minds, motives and desires of man, what you and your Husband are capable of withstanding. Stay encouraged and pray for the answer and the help send from Heaven above!

Been there done that,
Mommy Dearest

[Mommy Dearest]

Only you can decide that! And trust me useless you are in a physically abusive relationship and feel fear for your safety and even then you are the only one that can remove yourself from your marriage. Trust is at the basis of every solid relationship, along with communication and above all sincere love. If you do not have a combination of the 3, a healthy relationship can not thrive, grow or recover from damage. All things are possible with God but God is love and if there is no love at the core your relationship, He is not in it. As the Bible says, Love Conquers all, if give the opportunity. The question is have you and or your Husband given it the opportunity too? If you want change you must put the effort towards making that happen. Love is not just a warm feeling it is an action word...have you taken any action? Talked about the state of your marriage, openly and honestly. Shared the good, the bad and the ugly, together or with mediation. I'm 43 and been married 23 years with 3 kids and experienced the highs and the lows of matrimony, holy and unholy! God can fix anything if you as a couple give it to Him, all of it. Recognizing each ones role and responsibility to the covenant of marriage, as He designed it. But only you and God, can know if you should stay in the relationship, whether its His will or not. Ask Him, Pray and ask for confirmation whether you should stick it out and what you should do, in regards to it healing. He knows the true hearts, minds, motives and desires of man, what you and your Husband are capable of withstanding. Stay encouraged and pray for the answer and the help send from Heaven above!

Been there done that,
Mommy Dearest

[Marie]

Hi Tasha,
YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU ! You are a beautiful, worthy, and strong woman. Happiness cannot be found in a man....It is in you. Love yourself to find someone who gives you the love and respect you deserve as a child of God.
PLEASE DROP THE BUM AND MOVE ON TO A RELATIONSHIP FULL OF JOY INSTEAD OF PAIN.
Prayfully Yours, Marie

[LaShanta Holloway]

You know, my Granny used to tell me all the time "Can't nobody tell you when you've had enough but yourself." In every situation, you have to know when you're done being fed up and when you're ready to make a step toward changing your situation. If your union wasn't built on love, trust, honesty and all the things that God oversees, then it's time for you to really step back and see "What's in it for you?" If you can't find one good thing that is beneficial to you (and it seems like your husband is the only one benefitting from your marriage right now) then you have to start making moves to fix it for you. If you have kids then you also have to work out what's good for them as well. You can't go on being unhappy when you're supposed to be happy and in love and all of that. It's terrible to think that you would have to end your marriage, but you have to do what you've got to do to make things right for you.

When is enough enough? When you say it is.

Good luck Sis,
Shana

[Marisa B]

Speaking as a woman who had to take off similar shoes...I listened to everyone saying how a good woman stands by her man. I listened to the statistics about divorce among people of color. I waived the lifestyle I desired for myself, my child(ren) and that which I could not live with anymore. I kept putting everything (morally right) before the one thing that you have to allways consider. You have to consider yourself and the life you desire to live. I sacraficed and sacrificed but my XH admitted the same, he married me to fix whatever was wrong with him. I was suppose to be the cure for his unhappiness. There comes a time when we have to say its not about him or her but me and not think being selfish is always bad. I thought of me and then my child. For if I was not happy how could I possible raise my son to be healthy and happy. I wish you enough...

[Kimberly Robinson]

I can relate to how you feel. I have been in a relationship for about five years. I, like you, am the only one working, paying all the bills, and going to school. In my case, I have caught him chatting onlline with other females and two have actually called my house. I have a big heart for him so I thought that things would get better, but this last time did something to me on the inside. He chats with whoever online, and then when I say something to him or ask him something, he gets mad. He's a real jerk. I want to trust him, but it is really hard. We have a child together, which makes the situation harder. I am torn on the inside. Nevertheless it is only a test from which I can live, learn, and grow from. I know couples who have been together for years, so I look at them and say "All things are possible".

[Tasha J]

I also go to school. This one particular woman has called my house and has kept up with the different cell phone numbers that he has had. I asked him every time I have found her number in his phone how did she get the number but he could never tell me why. I even tried calling her to (not to go off on her but to speak to her woman to woman) she got all smart and crazy with me. Don't get me wrong I came in the relationship with him trusting him but when I caught him talking to a female on the phone from my church about what I had told him about her, at that moment my trust was gone. We have a child together and I also had a child before we got married. We had problems with him excepting my child after we got married so that was a issue but now that has been resolved (thank God). I have been to the pastor and not to mention we go to Church always. My pastor is always speaking on marriage so we are hearing the word often. That is the main reason why I have stayed but it is just getting to the point that I am empty and fed up.

[Trisha Martin]

I'm sorry, but a man who does all that stuff can not love you. Why do we continue to give our love to unworthy men? Men seek out women who they can manipulate and control. A woman that puts up with lying and cheating is a prize to behold. If you tolerate that, then he can get away with just about anything. It is not worth it, even with a child. Staying with a man just because you have a child is poor excuse that we women use to stay in an unfulfilling relationship. When men keep us all out of tune because of cheating and lying, then how can we be good parent to our child, especially our female children? It is truly time to LET GO and LET GOD!!! God will supply the needs that our men aren't supplying. It is better to raise a child and deal with life in general with a peace of mind and that can NEVER be accomplished by being with someone who does not ENHANCE our life. and of course, that's just mi3centsworth.