Are Black Women Teaching Their Daughters to Be Mean?

[KimSyne]

My 4 year old son is attending school for the first time. His school is very diverse and apparently four year olds are very touchy feely little people. They just like to hug. Well, my baby is quite popular with the girls.

We recently went to the Pumpkin Patch and one particular little girl was all over my baby. They were holding hands and hugging. She followed him everywhere he went. On the hay ride there was another little girl that was really upset and very vocal about it. He had not played with her. My son is African American while his chosen playmate of the day was white and the little girl with the attitude was Asian.

Later in the day, I asked my son about the African American girls in his class. I asked him if he played with them. His response has started an ongoing discussion in my family, so I wanted someone else’s opinion. (And I know I will get plenty here!) My smart and intelligent four years old said, “The brown girls are mean. They don’t speak and only want to play with me when I am playing with the other girls.” My husband says that he is right.

What do you think?

[Angel Pennington]

I agree with trisha martin. My daughter isnt old enough yet, but I live in a surrounding that I know for a fact will influence the way she acts or carry herself thats why I am starting early with teaching her how to respect herself. I watch what I do and say all the time around her because even though she is one year old doesnt mean she is stupid.

[Kimberly Coulter]

Keli, you are so right. I am guilty of the same thing.

[Keli]

I really agree with Trisha. I have a 5 year old daughter. I agree with Trisha because it took me a while to realize what was going on with her and my boyfriend. They have like a love hate relationship. He's been in her life since she was 1 1/2 so thats pretty much the only daddy she knows. She loves him to death and when he comes around she just wants to be all up under him. Alotough she get's an attitude with him sometimes, and she just pops off at the mouths sometimes and I didn't know where it was coming from. I realized she's picking these thing's up from me. She will see me get an attitude or arguing with him saying mean things as most couples may do when arguing. She was is being influenced by my actions towards him and now it's like how do you fix it? I have a few friends that have little girls that have so much attitude, and pop their little necks and the rolling of the eyes it's amazing that this is coming from a 4 years old. I really think that us as african american mothers have to be more aware of what we are doing in front of our daugther and the actions we are making. They pick up on these things and it's not very pretty coming from a 4 year old.

[KimSyne]

Thanks Joan Wright Lewis for your comments. I agree that we have a lot of work to do. The key is teaching our girls to love themselves and whatever physical makeup they have. It is so unfortunate that the physical supercedes the mental and spiritual. And that is the problem.

Again, thanks for your comments and I look forward to hearing more from you.

[Joan Wright Lewis]

One of the things that I have done, is, I get to know some of the girls. I let them know, they are precious, and beautiful. I have found out that some of them do not like themselves. they want to look like someone else. I tell them some very good and interesting things about their black culture. I ask them questions about being black. Many times the answers are negative. They wish they had straight hair, good hair, light skin, flat booty, more hips, blue or green or hazel eyes, etc. I encourage them to love who they are and I let each of them of know we all look different, yet we are beautiful in our own way. I love to see their faces light up and smile. I also tell their mother what we discuss and encourage them to encourage their daughters also.

This is also true, when my daughters have their white girlfriends over, they usually hate their very fair skin, dislike the waves in their hair. they want to have tanned skin, very straight hair, big booty or their hair braided. Wow! what a world we live in. Mothers must teach their children to love who they are and accept others also. I've only touched on the physical, I've not even touch on the mental state. I guest we have a lot of work to do, huh.

[Joan Wright Lewis]

My daughters attend schools that have mostly white students. They tell me the girls that gets into fights and are mean to them are black girls. My oldest said her school was peaceful with just a handful of blacks. Then the following years more blacks came into the school. Now the school hired security guards in the school. She said black girls pick fights with her, and other girls. She now see fights with girls pulling each other weaves out of their heads. They speak very loud and they meet after school to fight someone. For goodness sakes, they are in high school, she said. When are they going to grow up.

I was just speaking to a man (black) today and he said, he would rather date and marry a white woman, Caribbean woman, or other women than go out w/or marry an African American woman. He said they are loud, got mean attitudes with colorful nails longer than their fingers. He said they are embarrassing. He said they are not soft and lady like. They are tough and mean. and he is sick of it. Well, I told him that not all AA women are like that. I reminded him about the lovely young lady he met the day before. He said she is one, one, one, in a million.

[KimSyne]

Thanks Rene for your post. I can tell you put your heart into it. I can relate to the mean mother and I too, have been accused of being mean. It may have been justified depending on the circumstances. But like your daughter, my 13 year old daughter amazes me in that she doesn't have a mean bone in her body. She too was verbally and physically abuse by the other girls because she dared to not look like them and their chemically straightened hair. So maybe black women aren't teaching their girls to be mean. I think I know what they are teaching them. Girl, you just gave me an idea. Thank, Rene. I'm sending you a friend request. Have a great day.

[Rene]

Sorry if this is long... My mother is mean. Her father was an alkie who beat her mother. Her mother died from cancer when she was twelve, her maternal grandmother refused to take her and her sister in, but took in their brother. She was sexually abused at a home for girls. She ran away from many girls' homes until she was 16. She got married at 16 to a guy who eventually beat her until their baby was stillborn(I guess she picked a guy like her father)so the marriage was annulled. She got involved with deadbeats one after the other, including my waste of life"father".

I have an ex stepmother who is also mean, but she is also super sweet, and would give you the shirt off her own back. I witnessed her being brutally beaten by my "father"(who was also a raging alkie/druggie) as a young child visiting their home. If anything she is sweet beyond measure to have ever dealt with me in the first place because I am the child of "the other woman" and my stepmother could never have children of her own.

I'm a recovering meanie too(thanks Mommy Dearest!!!)and I guess you could say I had the almost cliche tragic childhood. Molested when I was 3 by a friend of the family, beaten on the regular, bounced around in group homes from ages 5-18, bla bla bla. Yea, I learned to be mean. I learned some from my mom, and the rest from the world. But I also learned to be self reliant, and to protect my self because noone else would. I have an 8 year old daughter. Is she mean? Not even a little. In fact she's so nice she recently got the Headteacher's Award for most supportive and caring. But sometimes it worries me... I mean I absolutely love the fact that she is naturally loving and caring, but I worry because I know how brutal the world can be. I will never teach her to be mean, but I would like for her to speak up for her self because she tends to be extremely shy at school, and that has attracted two bullies(both white kids)like flies to you-know-what. Whoever thinks little black girls are the meanest should see these little white girls in England. Some of it has to do with her going to an almost completely white school, and being not only one of the 4 non white kids, but being one of the 2 American kids, and the new girl to boot. She hasn't caught any flack for being biracial, but that's only because the other non white kids in her school are too, so I guess it's something they're used to seeing around here.

When we were still stateside, there was a pretty little black girl in my daughter's class, and none of the boys of any race would play with her, even though she was as nice and mild mannered as my daughter. She was pretty much ignored by her classmates. She wasn't mean. I think it was because she was one few non-watered down black kids at this school, and she wore her hair natural, and these boys(including the black ones) had definitely learned the "anything but black" meme from society. Hell, sometimes(not very often because it's silly) I feel like I'm part of the problem because of my daughter.

Some of my husband's friends and co-workers(after meeting me)have told him," Wow your wife's really nice!" As if they expected me to be some super b**chy- fire -breathing -she -hulk. My dreads put me in the "dangerous militant" category for some. I find, that as a black woman, it is hard for me to be who I am without worrying if someone is intimidated by me, even if I'm going out of my way to show that I'm not threatening and I'm not b**chy. Why should I have to do that? Why should little black girls have to do that?
sorry for the novel, but thanks for letting me vent.

[Mommy Dearest]

Our children as a whole emulate what they see and or are exposed to on a day to bases. Whether Mothers with bad attitudes or the visual images they are bombarded with on TV and the music then listen too.My sisters and I came from a line of mean black women! My eldest sister was more exposed to their antics than I (I stayed out of their way and played alone a lot). She is a recovering meany and I by the grace of God, never picked up the negative behavior.

[KimSyne]

Yes, Yolanda, that does make sense. It makes sense and it's honest. I think we live in a time where being a woman includes so many things and we wear so many hats that we teach are girls to be multi-taskers, organizers, self-sufficient little mini me's because that is what they see us being.

This is especially true in a single mom's household.

And even more so if this single mom is the product of a single mom's household.

While handling EVERYTHING we forget to tell our girls...it's okay to laugh, it's okay to cry!

Is it intentionally? No, we would not intentionally teach our girls to be mean but we don't teach them not to be either!

Thanks for your honesty Yolanda.