Are Black Women Teaching Their Daughters to Be Mean?

[KimSyne]

My 4 year old son is attending school for the first time. His school is very diverse and apparently four year olds are very touchy feely little people. They just like to hug. Well, my baby is quite popular with the girls.

We recently went to the Pumpkin Patch and one particular little girl was all over my baby. They were holding hands and hugging. She followed him everywhere he went. On the hay ride there was another little girl that was really upset and very vocal about it. He had not played with her. My son is African American while his chosen playmate of the day was white and the little girl with the attitude was Asian.

Later in the day, I asked my son about the African American girls in his class. I asked him if he played with them. His response has started an ongoing discussion in my family, so I wanted someone else’s opinion. (And I know I will get plenty here!) My smart and intelligent four years old said, “The brown girls are mean. They don’t speak and only want to play with me when I am playing with the other girls.” My husband says that he is right.

What do you think?

[Yolanda]

I don't think we're intentionally teaching our girls to be mean...I think we're failling to teach them to be soft because maybe we don't know how to be soft. I haven't been successful at finding the balance between standing up for myself and being soft so how can I teach her. Not being soft might be seen as being mean. Does that make any sense?

[Bishop CD Miller Ministries]

Ladies...I agree..and Disney doesn't help!
Raven and Hanah Montanna...got mean spirits!!!
THEY ARE BANNED FROM MY HOUSE...now this
had made a difference but if all of my daughter's friends
are enhaling Hanah's spirit like drinking water...well

It's a spirit!!!

Blessings, Bishop
http://MixedRootsHapas.com
http://ribsandfriedrice.com

[alwysaldy]

Your 4 year old has a point.

So does the other posters. Children learn by example and by influences at home. I agree children will mirror what they see. I start up conversations in the store in the bank in our neighborhood with "anyone". My daughter sees it and she does the same. My daughter was raised in a very diverse community. Her school was majority white with asian, samoa, hispanic, mid eastern etc. she was the only AA in her classes from pre-school to 2nd grade. From Colorado, to Florida, to California.

My baby is dark complexion. In the whole time she was in school not one child teased her about me or her being different complexions. They asked her if I was her mom and after seeing us together saw she was my twin.

We moved back to CA and she's in a majority AA school, with some hispanics. She is teased, by the AA girls about being a different complexion than her mom. About her hair, when I braid it with conditioner and take it down in the morning for her to wear it crinkled to school. She always got compliments before about her hair. She has been teased about being "real black" with "nappy" hair. I have never asked her if the boys say it. She has always said it is the girls.

Her new best friend is from Belize she is in love with her and she loves my daughter. She looks like your average AA little gurl you would never know unless she told you differently. They adore each other and she has the kindest sweetest spirit. Her mom is the same way. We have went to many functions with her family and the women are just so friendly.

I think as AA women in America we teach self hatred to our children when we say nasty mean things about the girl walking down the street, in church, next door, in our family. It teaches them to be bitter and mean.

When we talk about our husbands, boyfriends, baby's father or fathers badly we teach them to hate the AA man. I explain to my daughter how important it is to use her words and not her hands. I stress to her how important it is to speak and behave as a lady. I show her this by the way I treat myself, my mom, my sisters, my friends, my husband, her brothers and our neighbors and strangers. I am not perfect but if i make a mistake i admit it and i let her see me admit it or receive the feedback from my husband, my mom or whomever.

Yes there is an air of confidence in an AA mom who is single or and AA woman who is making her way in the world. Confidence is only mistaken for anger when there is anger. So many times i hear AA women say just because I know what I want, what I will accept or not accept people think i am mean. It is all in how you say it not what you say.

As an AA woman I know what my responsibility is to my daughter and I take that seriously. I am teaching my step-daughter that her mom and i can co-exist in our family without rage and cursing each other or fighting one another. I speak well of her mother and listen when she shares about her mom. (Even when i feel like saying what are you thinking to her mom about our constant battles with visitation, I refrain)

The lost babies on reality TV are misguided. Acting out of the influence of abuse or drugs and alcohol. By monitoring what i allow my daughters to watch I control outside influences. I can't go to school with them, or spend every waking moment with them I know. BUT... By giving them the proper tools at home i am preparing them for when I am not there to say...that is wrong dont' do that.

It is our responsibility to stop the anger, and teach our daughter to love themselves and others.

[KimSyne]

Thank you Brandee. My daughter is striving in spite of problems. She is very secure with being herself and love her hair the way it is. We can raise confident children but we must start when they are born. And hey, tell your Mom that I used to think the same thing about dreds. People do change.

[Brandee]

Although I don't know you I know your son is not being raised to not like black girls just like I know moms are not raising their Black daughters to be mean. With that being said I think some moms are ignorant and passing that down to their kids. And in most cases don't know they are in the wrong. My mom thinks dreds are stinky and people who have them are dirty and for a while I thought that too until I knew better and that came with age and experience. my mom thinks the idea of not chemically altering your hair is ridiculous and has had a curl since the 80s. yes girl!! but my heart goes out to your daughter and its tough when kids get to an age and everything is about group identity and "we dont like this" and "we dont like that"...

I really enjoyed reading all the posts and I am a memeber of mocha moms here in Dallas and if its ok I would like to share your story and see how the conversation goes at one of support group meeting.

God bless you Kimsyne!

[KimSyne]

Great post Brandee and you raised some valid questions. And no, my son is not being raised to not like the black girls. If anything it is just the opposite. But I still stand by my statement when I say that some of our black girls have some how "learned" to be mean, inconsiderate and have a problem with other black children who don't look, dress, or think as they do. I have worn dred locs for 9 years and my daughter has worn them for 3 years. We get strange looks and whispers from mostly black females, but at school she was verbally and physically abused by black girls who didn't like her because of a hairstyle.

You know, I really can't believe that this post is still alive after all these months. I think that alone justifies the discussion and is proof enough to me that something is going on.

[Brandee]

Wow it hurts my heart to read that some little brown skinned boys think all the brown skinned girls they are around are mean or scary...and most likely they will keep this prejudice as grown men. at 4 years old our children are developing their social cues and are developing how to have relationships with one another. For the mom whose son only has non-brown girl friends(KimSyne) have you ever thought maybe the little brown girls think your son doesn't like them? Since he's surrounded by non-brown girls at school...so as you post "are Black mothers teaching our daughters to be mean" she could be posting, rather thinking, "are Black mothers teaching their sons not to like Black girls"

And at that young age, I think parents need to step in and teach. If your son thinks Black girls are mean, then he needs friends that are Black girls and maybe Black boys,too. So its your job to make it happen.That way he'll start to know that mean is mean and is not designated for one particular race. Because if you don't you get the teenager who thinks his Black female classmates are scary mad. And yea, as a former Black female teenager it plays into our insecurities or distorts our developing self and group identity when you see Black boys embrace with open arms our opposites...kinky curly hair for straight, dark skin for fair, broad nose for thin nose, and so on...And as our children grow up it becomes harder and harder to break those prejudices.

Quick story one day I met this interracial couple (man-white, female-black) our kids took ballet together and on the first day -all the parents introduced themselves. He introduced himself and his wife and was "chatty kathy" with me and she really didnt say much to me but chatted it up with the other white moms. I told my hubby about it because I thought with both of us being the only Black moms that we would have talked more, and he gave me his opinion (good-bad-or-indifferent)...he said people who date, marry or have a majority of friends who don't look like them have some issues/insecurities with who they are. according to my husband people like that have chosen "literally" not to see themselves or love themselves. people they chose to love....ie girls who only have guy friends, guys who only have girl friends, Blacks who only have non-Black friends, Whites who only have non-white friend. so I was like what about people who only associate with people like them, he said both types have insecurities about who they are, one chooses not to validate who they are while the other is constantly trying to validate themselves.

[Kelli]

girl it is so true, although we don't want to believe it. Brown girls come off as rude and don't want to be a friend until you find another friend.

[Jermica]

No, I don’t think that Black Women are teaching their daughters to be mean. I think four year olds are emotional little people and they don’t view gender, race and skin color the way adults do, unless they are being taught to. I find it hard to believe that every black girl in the class is mean all the time. I have a four year old daughter that goes to a mixed race school and all the children of both sexes and all races get along sometimes and sometimes they don’t. That’s how young children are. As far as teenagers and adults, sometimes black women are aggressive and more outspoken than our white counterparts. That’s because we often times have to be. Black women have been the lowest “man” on the totem poll in this country for quite sometime. If black men are so offended and afraid maybe they should stand up for us and treat us with the respect we deserve. I think black men like to use the “black women are mean” excuse because the want to date or marry a white women that they can rule over and boss around. Yes there are some black women that are mean and loud, and I don’t blame black men for not wanted to be around them or date them. I wouldn’t want to be around them either. But not all black women are like that, just like not all black people eat chicken.

[Toni D.]

Wow this is sooo deep yet sooo true. My kids are going through the same thing in school too and they go to elementary school.