Are Black Women Teaching Their Daughters to Be Mean?

[KimSyne]

My 4 year old son is attending school for the first time. His school is very diverse and apparently four year olds are very touchy feely little people. They just like to hug. Well, my baby is quite popular with the girls.

We recently went to the Pumpkin Patch and one particular little girl was all over my baby. They were holding hands and hugging. She followed him everywhere he went. On the hay ride there was another little girl that was really upset and very vocal about it. He had not played with her. My son is African American while his chosen playmate of the day was white and the little girl with the attitude was Asian.

Later in the day, I asked my son about the African American girls in his class. I asked him if he played with them. His response has started an ongoing discussion in my family, so I wanted someone else’s opinion. (And I know I will get plenty here!) My smart and intelligent four years old said, “The brown girls are mean. They don’t speak and only want to play with me when I am playing with the other girls.” My husband says that he is right.

What do you think?

[Trula]

where my comment go?

[Trula]

My daughter is 19 and is very sweet and good-natured. I myself am not an aggressive or loud woman, so i think it's all what they see in the home. I definitely think a big part of it is so many black children are being raised without a father in the home...so many young girls may not know how to act around men; may not understand that the loudness and aggression is a big turn-off. A man wants to feel he can protect you, not have to fight you or have you arguing with him all the time.

[tata]

I wouldn't say we are directly teaching our daughters to be mean, its a cultural thing. We all know the stereotype of the strong Black woman. As a young mother, looking back on my high school days...I felt almost obligated to make sure no one disrespected me. I went to a multiracial school and got into several confrontations and fights with girls outside my race because I used to believe that any form of disrespect was an affront to my race. Cultrally, black woman have been taught to not take any mess, to always be the toughest. I remember thinking how humiliating it would be if anyone outside my race were to "beat" me at anything physical wether that be sports or fighting...funny how I didn't feel that way about grades. I think the problem is that as black women, we tend to think of ourselves as just that, black woman and not think of ourselves as individuals.

[Evelyn]

As a Black mom with three daughters I will say that I am definitely not teaching my daughters to be mean. I teach them that skin color makes no difference because we are all the same inside. I tell that they they can do, and be and have anything that they set their minds to as long as they work for it. I tell them that race should make no difference in who they make friends with or hang out with. I can, however, relate to Kim's son's comment because I have experienced the meanness of Black women myself. Because of my light complexion, many Black women assume that I am of 'mixed' or bi-racial heritage, and act in a hostile manner towards me.

My girls are smart, confident and self-assured and they have plenty of friends of all races. My eldest child is bi-racial but she has dealt with similar hostility towards her from Black girls her age. Consequently, her BFF is also bi-racial.

Black women have had a lot to deal with in life, but everyone has their struggles and challenges. I find that some people tend to carry a chip in their shoulders and project their issues on to other people that they encounter. I think it's time to let it go. Times are changing, but if we hold on to the past then we will carry it into the future.

Four year olds are brighter than we give them credit for. We as moms really need to be conscious of our behavior, our demeanor, our choice of words and our choices in the people that we associate with because our little ones are watching. The way your children behave towards others is a direct reflection upon how they are being raised. They will do what we do more often than they will do what we tell them to do.

[Germanie]

I think that a lot of the black girls today have these ideas because of their environment. Yes i agree with KimSyne when she said it was an observation that her son was making. But for him to noticed that is amazing and it does have a lot of truth to it. I have a 17 year old cousin who moved from the hood to where I grew up which is a mostly white area and the black girls there make fun of her because she is a straight A student on the National Honors Society and is now attending LPN school while in high school. She has been accepted to a four year college for RN before she graduates this June. Most of her friends are white girls and the black girls talk about her and make fun of her taste in music. I asked her if she was cool with any of the black girls and she said no because they make fun of her and talk about her. I think a lot of it has to do with jealousy and when they see their moms act like that towards others they act like it too. It has always been environment to me.

[Delicate Mommie]

wow...I don't see this at all in my daily experiences. All of the black women I know are the, "Too Nice," sort that get rum over and taken advantage of. What we need to find is a balance. I have twin daughters and I teach them to be ladies. Some are so hell bent on teaching their little girls that they don't need a boy/or man, and that they should be independant that many forget to teach and encourage femininity,gentleness, kindness respect and compassion. I don't see ladies anymore, and that above all else hurts me. I do notice that the higher my husband climbs up the coporate latter, the more I am faced with interacial issues as we apparantly "move on up." My son has not had the same experiences, but i do notice that is ideas about beauty seem to be distorted from our people. We need to focus on self love and self-respect when we teach our children who are faced with subtle racial issues on a daily basis. We have placed them in a world where racial stereotypes feed them and leave their bellies filled with lies. Lets us feed our children the truth of our value and worth and beauty and strentgh...so that they will not have to go hungry and take what the media and others feed them.

Stay the light,
delicate

[Kafi Payne]

No. Black women are not teaching their daughters to be mean in the same way that black fathers and mothers are not teaching our sons to be thugs but perception is reality and if the "story" that is being sold to our children is that there is a very narrow way to be a black male or female then that is the act they are going to put on. Black girls are not "mad scary" . . . they are intelligent, sensitive, creative, talented, loving, energetic. Black women are going to college at unprecedented levels, getting PhDs, law degrees, medical degrees, starting businesses . . . For some reason we are able to teach our black girls how to be resilient and strong and make it but our boys seem to be falling through the cracks . . . Why are we failing them? Black girls don't need to worry about whether or not black boys like them. They're busy getting a high school diploma and applying to college. Perhaps black girls are seeing their moms be resilient, follow through and get the job done despite the madness, and be advocates for themselves. When Black boys do this, they are criminalized and labeled overly aggressive. We have to be soooo careful with the labels that are put on our children especially at such a young age and I would take my child out of a school where they are getting the message that black girls are bad and white/asian girls are good because trust me it is no accident that he is getting that message (and that's all it is-a message)

[KimSyne]

I assure you that this did happen and that the moderaters had nothing to do with this post.

Thank you all for commenting and frankly, I am surprised to see this blog is still alive and well. To give you a little background: My son was at home for the first 3 years of his life. This is his first year in school. I just noticed that he was always surrounded by the white, asian,and latino girls. These girls would hug him in the morning when he arrived and again at the end of the day. If he missed a day, they would run up to him and say we missed you.

I didn't say that "black women are scary" and I don't think that statement has been made in any comments here.

No, I don't believe that all black girls are mean, nor are their mothers. But my experience as an African American mother, veteran, student, daughter, wife and friend is yes, like everyone else we do have some issues. This is where we should discuss these issues. We may not agree with it but black women have a reputation for being mean. And I know that each of us has experience being around a mean Sistah. Or too loud sistah. And with the burdens that some of us carry around, it may be justified. I think we should all check ourselves and how we treat and talk to each other, our men, our kids and just how we portray ourselves. I will not allow the media to determine who and what I am. To think, they think that President Obama and his family are the only successful African American family in the US. They didn't know we existed. Or better they didn't want to know.

But I do see a problem with our girls being mean spirited and just down right hateful. I have a teenage daughter that has been talked about because of her hair and called oreo because she speaks correct english and she cares about her grades. So the black girls says that she wants to be white. PLEASE..I guess it is possible that this could come from television but I just really don't buy that it all comes from tv.

Someone asked what my son was watching on tv. The children don't watch tv during the week. There are no televisions in their bedroom. They watch mostly older cartoons, if any. We don't encourage them to watch Disney. My son has been reading since he was 3 so he reads a lot. I think he was making an observation and that it has a lot of truth too it.

Now if you don't believe that a lot of our girls are mean spirited and actually worse that the boys these days...go to UTube or just search the internet. Just because we deny it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

[sispositivemind]

this is ridiculous. how the can yall have black sons and they say such stupid things. "black women are scary". please, are you scary when yall put that food on their plate? i actually think this thread is false. what i mean is made by the moderaters to drive traffic to this web site.

[positivelife]

give more love