Are Black Women Teaching Their Daughters to Be Mean?

[KimSyne]

My 4 year old son is attending school for the first time. His school is very diverse and apparently four year olds are very touchy feely little people. They just like to hug. Well, my baby is quite popular with the girls.

We recently went to the Pumpkin Patch and one particular little girl was all over my baby. They were holding hands and hugging. She followed him everywhere he went. On the hay ride there was another little girl that was really upset and very vocal about it. He had not played with her. My son is African American while his chosen playmate of the day was white and the little girl with the attitude was Asian.

Later in the day, I asked my son about the African American girls in his class. I asked him if he played with them. His response has started an ongoing discussion in my family, so I wanted someone else’s opinion. (And I know I will get plenty here!) My smart and intelligent four years old said, “The brown girls are mean. They don’t speak and only want to play with me when I am playing with the other girls.” My husband says that he is right.

What do you think?

[positivelife]

I think there are a number of factors of why some of our Black boys/men think this way and why some young girls are so agressive, children see and pick up a lot from there parents esp mothers,even my own mother, we take so much from them even the things we dont like....then you have peers, the media and so on.
Mothers take on so much burden and stress in day to day life even more so being a single parent, you may or may not notice it but somtimes that negative energy can rub off on your children, i think all mothers should make special time for themselves, make time.....if you can everyday to pamper yourself to de-stress, that way we can be more ready to deal with our families and children and maybe come across less stressed and fustrated and take time out and be more loving to our children....that can be a wonderful start....i mean u can not depend on no-one else .....give more love and send out positive vibes xxx

[Key James]

Wow, this scenario just dumbfounds me! For one, I can't believe that racial politics are occurring at such an early stage in life!

I have a 3yo daughter that attends a predominately white day school. To be honest, I notice that she is more likely to play with the little white girls than with the mixed race or other ethnic girls in her class. I have agonized over this for months, debating on whether to send her to a predominately black day care, but in the end I don't want to compromise on her education. Truth be told there aren't a lot of high quality day schools or day cares in my area that are attended by the blacks here.

I think that you are over-analyzing the situation right now. Pre-schoolers are young, impressionable, and very innocent. Their thoughts aren't very intentional at this age so to say that the little black girls are being mean to him or that they don't want to play with him may indicate that more is being read into the situation than is actually there.

Like I said, my 3yo's bff is a very fair-skinned blonde girl at day school. I think that what has happened is that my daughter has simply picked up on societies cues on what is 'ideal' in this society. Most of the teachers and other kids fawn over the little girl as well, sending the message that 'white is beautiful' to these young impressionable minds. Oftentimes, if her friend isn't there, I will come to the day school and find my daughter playing by herself. The teachers don't fawn over my child like they do some the other white girls, and neither do the little white girls or boys for that matter go out of their way to be friends with my daughter. Why? They've picked up on what is 'desirable' in out society. My daughter is a very shy, even tempered little girl. All the teachers say comment that she is 'well behaved' and 'quiet', as if they expected something otherwise?? Even in light of this, the kids don't make much extra effort to play with her.

I would venture to say that your son has done the same. He has simply picked up on societies cues about what is 'ideal', and 'desirable,' and the result is his preference to play with non-black girls! As a parent, you can do a lot to reverse these ideals about color politics with him. Arrange playdates with other african american kids his age, monitor what he is watching on tv and if something questionable comes up talk with him about it and show him that is okay to challenge these social norms. I closely monitor the kinds of cartoons my daughters watches for these same reasons. We don't do Barbieland cartoons, and although she is a big disney princsess fan I try to expose her to other images of princesses that are ethnic, or route her towards disney characters (Pocahontas, Jazmin, etc) that may look more like her.

Ladies, to imply that little black girls are being taught to mean, or that they are being influenced in this way is short-sighted. Sure, I believe that there probably are girls growing up in questionable environments that have negative influences on their behavior, but they are a minority. I believe that most black women-whether single or married, are raising their children to the best of their ability. Unfortunately, those instances when the opposite does occur, we as a society make generalizations about these occurrences which has the effect of impacting our community more.

[Stacie]

Well, ladies, I must have to dispute some of you. I don't think Black Moms are teaching thier daughters ot be mean. I believe these young women are learning this and some more from either two sources, home and outside of the home. As for a child of 1-6 years old they don't associate color with friendship. I believe that what ever happen between the 4 year old and his classmates was just a simple thing of friendship ralvary. Being a mother of five whose children grew up in diverse neighborhood, I can't recall that they ever said, they had a problem with thier african american counterpart, nor with any other non black counterpart. if they were upset about a situation and it involved a child of a different color, I tried to see the other childs point of view as well. no so much as color.

[Lisa E.]

I would like to modify the question to view it through a different lense. Are black moms demonstrating rage and unhealthy behaviors towards black men that potentially negatively impact their children? I believe that some of us do. Rarely does a parent want to feed mean-spirited, hurtful thoughts and actions to their children but the children pick up on our actions. I am fortunate to have had both parents present throughout my youth. But the main lesson I learned from my parent's interaction was that a woman should demonstrate a healthy level of respect towards her husband in tone and behavior. Even when my father misspoke or didn't treat my mom as well as she liked, I never heard her speak poorly of him. Even when the children tried to butt in she never allowed us to confuse our relationship with our father with her relationship with her husband (Sometimes, women make the mistake of allowing our children to fight our battles for us). Yet, my mom chose this route of respect without appearing foolish. She had back bone yet she somehow understood that her love for my dad was real and she never wanted to diminish his manhood in anyway. So the parents became the role models. All three of my mother's girls are married to strong, black men. Each of us have had negative relationships prior to meeting our husbands but we always had that image of what a relationship should be. Now that we have our own children, some of them adults and boys. All of our adults sons are or have dated black women. Even my son, who has a wealth of white, asian, and latino friends and tends to be the only black person in his group, managed to find a black girl. However, had he dated a white girl, I would not have cared one iota because I am just so happy he is straight! So, I believe your son is wise to gravitate to the children who treat him with respect. Hopefully he is not rejecting the "brown" girls because he views his race as inferior. That is a different discussion altogether for another posting. Moreover, we are now in a global village. Our children will not think like we do and will be open to new things. Maybe it's time for black women to begin to like "others" instead of worrying about black men going outside the fold. We deserve to be happy and attached. There's plenty of men out there from Africa, South America, Bahamas, and other races whom we can tap. Remember, one doesn't have to african american to be considered black too.

[Tia]

I think Black Moms need to be teaching their daughters to respect themselves and their bodies more. Also to have a good attitude and stop being so loud and disrespectful to people. . I have gone to my sons school and see the same things the lady mentioned about black girls being loud in the hallways and stuff. It's just not CUTE and it makes us look real BAD. I believe the girls that act and carry on like this are the same ones whos mothers act this same way. It's called being Ghetto and frankly we need to stop being this way. It not going to get these people that act this way anywhere by acting like this.

[KimSyne]

Fatima, How old is your daughter?

[Fatima]

I guess my answer is different than everyone else who replied. I am teaching my daughter to love herself and to get to know others before making a decision on what type of person she thinks they are, just as my mom taught me and my sisters and their children and so on. That being said, when my preschooler decides she doesn't want to play with someone or is jealous because one of here friends is playing with someone else, I don't assume it is because she is a mean black girl.

[Nicholle]

Michaela, Germanie and Kym,

It sounds like these girls (and the women around them) are so addicted to self hatred, that when they see alternative views of Black girlhood (or womanhood), they feel threatened, and their only reaction is to attempt to destroy these different representations.

Is there anything that can be done about that? How do we (and your daughters) set examples of difference, when other black women and girls don't want to see them?

[Germanie]

Yes I know what you mean, I live in an apartment complex where the black girls here walk around in groups. My daughter being new to the city and area trying to make friends was called fake. She is the only one here I see would embrace a white girl and play with her and then as soon as they see this either they try to come play also or just be plain nasty to them throwing rocks and dirt. It has also gone to the point where if there is new black girls and if they see them playing with my daughter they would do anything to interfere with them playing together I get annoyed and when I talk to the parents of the children either they sound uninterested or just smile. Whatever happened to parents introducing themselves to the other parents of the children that their child plays with? To me manners and politeness has gone out the window with not only the children but parents too.

[KimSyne]

I have a 13 year old daughter who has been talked about and mistreated by black girls. The problem is that they don't like or appreciate "different". My daughter has worn dred locks for the last 5 years. These kids said that she was trying to act African. When she talked what they considered "proper", they called her an oreo. They couldn't make up their mind what she was they just knew that she was different.

Then she made the drill team and these same people wanted to be her friend. I am so glad that she saw through all this. Some of these girls were terrors, we just went to court last month on an incident that took place last school term.

I would agree that it could be the influence from their surroundings, until my 4 year old son made that statement about the brown girls. 4 year old children are usually surrounded by family and close friends.
I don't think they are being taught as much as being shown how to be mean. I don't think it is intentional but it is still happening.

KimSyne